The Follie Files

well now that I've started I can't stop

2009-01-18T10:49:00.003-05:00

So why didn't I update for almost an entire year? Well. Hmm.
I just felt weird writing about my pregnancy. Which was wholly uneventful and perfectly normal; despite my constant certainty things would not work out.
Once I felt him move - which happened very early - around 15 weeks - I counted movements every single day. Even when at first they didn't happen every day. And the first movements weren't these magical butterfly type movements. They were little taps, kind of like water dripping or something. So I wasn't sure for awhile it was him.
Then I rented a doppler so I could obsessively check for his heartbeat. Sometimes several times a day. I left work during planning more than once to drive home and check it if I felt like he hadn't moved enough that morning. And that happened a lot. He was an infrequent mover. He had days of crazy movement and days where I hardly felt anything all.day.long. Those were very long days.
I spent so much time worrying and fretting that I failed to notice my due date approaching with lightening speed. Maybe I was in a state of denial. As much as I wanted a baby I knew I had NO IDEA what to do with one and that scared me. So not much got done in preparation. Things stayed in boxes and wrapped in gift bags.
At the first of November I was large. But I carried him all in the front so I looked rather comical. One day at work, three women stopped me and asked when are you having that baby?? He is down around your knees!! And my mother, who just two days prior, aptly described me as a "pregnant bowling pin".
I was undeterred - my due date wasn't for three more weeks! I had plenty of time to unpack the quadrillion baby items - most of which I had no idea what they were for - wash and organize his clothes, clean the house and prepare everything for my long term sub. Oh, and pack a hospital bag.
Even though the midwife had checked me for dilation at 36 weeks because I was having this annoying cramping and pressure - it was really annoying - and pronounced me 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced - I still wasn't convinced he would be here before the due date. Even though she said as I was leaving "I'll probably see you before next week!"

Back to the day at work when I was minding my own business. I really had to pee and it was almost time for classes to begin after planning. So I sat down to pee.
And my water broke. Right there at work in the bathroom. How unceremoniously . . . normal.
Of course I freaked. Called my doctor who said get to the hospital NOW.
After quite the ride on the highway - the contractions started 2 min apart - none of this 8 min then 5 then 2 - no, I was in Labor. Transition nonetheless. I was 4 cm and completely effaced when I arrived. I'd been in active labor for a few days and just didn't know.

After a very easy labor and an even easier delivery, he was born about 7 hours later. Perfect and healthy. I remember bits and pieces but my most vivid memory is directly after his birth he was placed on my chest and I just kept repeating "Hi! I am so excited to finally meet you!" He seemed rather nonplussed by all the festivities. He just wanted to nurse immediately and be left alone. In retrospect, I would've fought harder for that time.
Maybe next go around?

oh, apron strings! she spilled the beans.

2009-01-17T10:47:00.002-05:00

Yes, he is here. He is healthy and has a very hearty appetite - just like Daddy.
He is fond of:
1. eating
2. crying
3. crying some more
4. the ceiling fan
5. anything outside
6. sleeping on his tummy - I KNOW. Don't tell anyone. He has to, actually. He has an abnormality in his larynx that makes it almost impossible for him to sleep on his back. Which he will eventually outgrow. We have a fancy pants monitor that checks for movement every 15 sec. So I don't have to check to see if he is breathing all the time.
7. the light up butterfly on his play gym
8. smiling and cooing at 3 AM when I want him to pleeeeeasegobacktosleep.
9. grunting
10. riding in the car
11. spitting up
12. hiccuping

This whole baby thing has thrown me for such a loop. I was under the impression they bascially ate and slept and stayed awake a little here and there.
What? did I just hear laughter? Maybe that was my own. Anyway.

Sometimes (well, a lot) he cries and I don't know why although I am thinking it is from being overtired. Turns out he just doesn't fall asleep when he needs to! Revelation.
My anxiety has been ramped up to Level Fifteen. This is out of Ten Levels. I worry about everything. Is he eating enough? Too much? Does he have reflux? Actually, yes! Let's medicate! Oh wait, is it safe to give that to a tiny infant?
And on and on. Gah. I am tired of course, perhaps more from the constant and incessant worrying than the sleep deprivation.

coming to an amusement park near you - the IVF rollercoaster.* UPDATED

2008-03-22T06:55:00.007-04:00

What a last few days. I wanted to wait to update until I had a clearer picture of what's going on in there.
Monday (9dt3dt) I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go to the drugstore to pick up my M.etformin and had to go inside to get some lip balm. If I could've gone through the drive thru I think I would've been ok. Of course, I chose to walk down the aisle where things like tampons, pads and - oh yes! those things - are kept. In a haste, I bought a box of generic tests. I thought I could sneak a test once home without D knowing (he is anti testing early) but whaddaya know, he is HOME. At like 5:00. I can count on one hand the times he's been home that early. He saw them in the bag and gave me this disapproving look. Undeterred, I tested.

It was positive almost immediately, and very visible but still light. In the afternoon. 3 days before my beta.

I didn't take one Tuesday.

Wednesday morning, it was darker, but it was in the morning.

Thursday morning, it was maybe slightly darker than Wednesday, but not by much.

My beta on Thursday (12dp3dt) was 257.

My progesterone was "well over 40, and we don't take a measurement over 40", as the doctor said when he called - I mean, WTF? I need to know that number - and my estrodiol was +2,000 which is like insane freakishly high. So, I am down to one estrace tablet a day instead of two and stay on 1cc of PIO a day.

Today, I went in for my repeat beta. It needed to be 514 to double within 48 hours. OF COURSE, in true tipsymarie fashion, it was 492. Just shy of doubling. OF COURSE I was feeling confident and ok with that first number only to get this news today. I know rationally it could still be ok, but I would just like some peace of mind if not for a little while. I go back next week for another beta.

One thing I've already considered is that both implanted and one did not make it, hence the high first beta and would also explain the almost but not quite double for the second beta.

Please, please let this be ok.

*Speaking of an IVF roller coaster, how about the trains shaped like giant sperm? And a cave along part of the tracks shaped like a uterus? Classy, no?

Updated to add:

Sorry to get all whiny titty baby on you all. I realize we are very lucky to have even gotten this far. After flinging myself about in a fit of ridiculous self pity and incessant worry all day long I came to the conclusion that it is very, very early and this is to be expected. Please.let.it.be.ok.

5dp3dt

2008-03-13T18:37:00.003-04:00

I feel like a real IVFer with my title.

Only obsessing going on around here these days. I was doing pretty well not obsessing until I went in for a p4/e2 check this morning. My progesterone came back at 32, and they want it above 15. Of course, even though it is fine by my clinic's standards, I am not happy with this number. I found a study talking about p4 on day 14 in IVF cycles and its correlation to a successful pregnancy. It was in the hundreds, like between 350-500 or some other such crazy number. That's in 7 days.
I have read everything google has to offer, and it is mostly conflicting information or information not specific to my current situation. Did you know there are no less than 5 ways progesterone is supplemented in an IVF cycle? Or that some clinics differ on their dosage of progesterone? Yes. It is riveting reading; so much so I spent two hours at work today reading about it. The only thing I have to show for it is a crick in my back from bending over the computer and a headful of relatively useless knowledge about progesterone delivery systems in subfertile women during superovulation induction.
It was like a slipped back to almost 3 years ago - the infertile googling queen. I can quote useless information like nobody's business.
But I digress . . .on to the more entertaining parts of this post:

Symptoms (?) are really nothing that can't be attributed to the PIO, so I'm not getting too excited about them. Although I do have one that is proving to be a joy. My massive bloated abdomen that preceded me entering a room is back. It was certainly an issue the couple of days following the retrieval - it was very uncomfortable and even a little painful - but luckily it started to resolve itself by transfer day. Well, now it's back. I wore a loose fitting dress to work today because I can't get my pants comfortably fastened and I looked about 4 months along. Maybe 5 after lunch. Even my nurse this morning was taken aback - you know you've reached a new level of freakdom when you can surprise a veteran IVF nurse with your bloat.

Monday.

2008-03-10T15:57:00.002-04:00

I got the call today that there were none left to freeze which wasn't a surprise. When 9 out of 14 arrest before day 3, it doesn't look too good for freezing.
I am hoping the two that were transferred are strong and hanging on as we speak. Healthy babies have resulted from embryos just like them, so it could certainly still happen for us. It was simply a shock to hear so many didn't make it by Saturday.

Anyway, on to more pressing details.
Today I have twingy ovaries and an achy feeling in my pelvis from time to time. I really noticed it this afternoon during acupuncture and this morning carrying groceries in the house (the twingy ovaries, not so much the achy feeling). I felt kind of conflicted about carrying something slightly heavy but I had to get them in the house. I think leaving chicken in the car on a 70 degree day (that's right, 70 degrees. Jealous? Don't be. It will probably be snowing next week. That's March in the South for you.) is not advisable.
I go back to work tomorrow and while I'm glad I took today off, I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things and put this out of my mind as much as I can until next week. I am excited and scared all at the same time, and despite my best efforts, I am already attached to those little globby bobbly ones.
Remind me at about this time next week I said I would not test early. Because I don't want to be held at the mercy of a pee stick. Right. Remind me.

transfer

2008-03-08T15:03:00.002-05:00

Well.
Here are the stats:

26 eggs retrieved on Wednesday.
18 mature.
14 fertilized.
9 arrested before day 3.
2 grade II embryos showing some fragmentation transferred today.
3 are being watched; but I don't hold out much hope. They didn't look too good.

So now we wait.

following dr.'s orders is usually advised

2008-03-08T04:44:00.002-05:00

I decided that the egg retrieval went so well that following the rest of the instructions for the after parts was unwarranted. "Drink plenty of fluids" and "don't consume many carbs and stick to high protein" did not sound at all like the self rewarding fest I felt was due once home and in the days prior to the transfer. Granted, I was bloated all to hell from the stims and have PCOS so really, that puts me in the 5% category for developing OHS.S but what does that ol' doctor know that I don't? Please. I read the internets*. My body can take some delicious carbs and dairy. Me hungry!
I instructed D to go to the store and purchase avocados, tortilla chips, doritos and american cheese once we were home from the retrieval. You know, mostly healthy stuff.
Turns out the avocados he purchased were not right - either under or overripe - I mean, gawd, I just had surgery, can't he choose a decent avocado??
So instead, I consumed one and a half cheese sandwiches with mayonnaise and mustard and roughly half a bag of doritos. That was lunch.
Dinner was Wendy's.
I know you want to get judgy right now, and if you must, go ahead. Because I would too if I were reading this.
The next morning, I got up and felt all bloaty and abdominally crampy - kind of like being constipated. I thought it was weird but I went to work anyway. I didn't want to sit around the house all day and go stir crazy.
My diet was not much better this day either.
Then came Friday, and oh my. I was soooooo uncomfortable I started to freak out that I had OHS.S. At work I was so snappy that I just stopped talking unless I absolutely had to. I was forced, out of pain and discomfort, to follow the doctor's orders.
Turns out I feel better this morning because I watched what I ate yesterday and drank plenty of water. Yeah. It works.

I've already forgotten to take medication twice. I am so type b about this cycle I can't even tell you. Like too much and not in a good way. Like as in doing it to avoid thinking about what's really happening. I forgot my first dose of estrace the other day; and forgot my antibiotic last night. That's why I am awake at 5 am on a Saturday morning. Because I woke up and remembered I forgot it and that I'd better damn take it because it says so on my lis*t of instructions, which I've also misplaced more than once.

I will leave you with some embarrassing things I said once coming out of anesthesia from the egg retrieval:
1. To the nurses: "You guys are the best. This whole experience was great. I love you." Can I get a prescription for versed?"
2. To D: "This is the best cranberry/grape juice EVER. We need to get some." (this is not that bad, except it's an open room with curtains separating the bed and I don't like strangers to overhear me sounding moronic. right, because that's what's important at the moment.)

*it turns out that reading the medical journals online is in fact not the same as earning a medical degree and doing a residency in obstetrics and gynecology; eventually many years later, specializing in reproductive endocrinology. no. it's really not the same.

versed rocks.

2008-03-05T13:54:00.003-05:00

Just got done with retrieval and I'm at home.
Apparently, my clinic likes to ICSI some but not all the eggs . . . we went ahead with it because at this point, why not? I'm not sure that we even need it, D's results have always been great and we've been pregnant twice before so . . . yeah. I don't know.
I will post when I know more tomorrow!

smallish sigh of relief - stim day 6

2008-02-28T19:23:00.002-05:00

This is hard to type.
Everything looked normal today - from the u/s to the bloodwork. Of course, it is still early in the stim phase so a lot can still happen.
Go back Saturday.
Eeekk!!

thursday is a long time from now!

2008-02-24T11:05:00.002-05:00

I started stims last night and I am freaking out that it won't be enough. I don't go in for monitoring until THURSDAY. Does that seem like a long time to go for my first monitoring appointment? Why can I not relax? If there was one thing I could change about me (other than the inability to conceive and then subsequently bear healthy children - duh) would be my incessant need to go from "Hey, look at those pretty flowers and beautiful butterflies on this amazing sunny day" to "Oh my G-d, is that a giant black cloud with a giant swirling vortex coming to kill me and everything I care about in one fell swoop" in 10 seconds? I wish there was a middle ground for my emotional state that comprises a healthy response to stress. I think if this were pioneer times or antebellum times or some other time a long time ago, I would not have made it past the age of ten. I would've been one of those women constantly fainting or crying hysterically at something mundane like the washboard or the cast iron stove or something.

In other news of things that are kind of freaking me out, but there is nothing I Can Do About It Because It Is Just the Way Things Are -
At work, I got the assignment I wanted for next year, which is completely shocking to me. Mainly because I am in disagreement with some of our policies and I have voiced that - usually when you do this, it does not bode well for your future in that job, right? In fact, in a meeting in which I voiced these disagreements in a way that seemed valid, it actually was not and my head ended up several feet from my body when my supervisor took out a machete and hacked it as she called my comments "Completely wrong and unfounded." Yes. It was totally awkward, but I am sure it was only so for me. By the end of the day, fences had been mended because my supervisior was kind of cool about the whole thing so I was fine, but others who were there still talk about it and embarrass me, making me think all was not fine and I had only succeeded in making a giant ass of myself.
Anyway, imagine my shock when she took someone who has been in the assignment I wanted for many years and removed her from it and appointed me to it, which I did not know was the plan. Without going into all the logistics, which I assure you are quite boring, I said I wanted it in part so I could work with this person because we work so well together, and I love the subject matter. I never imagined I would actually get what I wanted at someone else's expense. This person is a dear friend of mine and came in my room very upset after she got the news. And when I asked her what flaming backstabbing bitch took her job, she looked at me and said "You." To be accurate, she said it with a laugh.
Silence, gaping mouth. I really did not know what to say. So I stammered on about how it was unfair and such. It was a completely lame attempt to make her feel better and I am sure it failed miserably.
I don't think she is angry with me because she knows I wouldn't do that to her or to anyone else; usually when I don't like someone it's pretty obvious and there is not any need to employ subversive screwing over techniques because I will just tell you to fuck off to your face and there is no reason to assume I would expend additional energy to make your life any more miserable. No, not something I would do.
So, I don't know.
I want Thursday to get here and to be good news, and I want my friend at work to be happy on Monday and not pissed off at me and not thinking I somehow stabbed her in the back even though I know she knows I would never do that.
I am hoping this week is a good one . . . here is to optomism! ha ha. I will try, at least.

yummy recipe I just made up

2008-02-17T13:36:00.002-05:00

I am sure someone has made this before. But I want to continue feeling my genius for right now because this was really good and satisfied my ravenous red meat craving i've been having since starting the lupron.

Vegetarian Spaghetti

1 can Great Northern Beans, drained and rinsed
1 can no sodium diced tomatoes undrained (the no sodium thing isn't important. it's just what was in the pantry when I was hungry today.)
2 cloves garlic finely minced
1/4 medium onion finely minced
dried oregano, thyme and basil
olive oil
thin spaghetti
grated parmesan/romano/pecerino (seriously, I cannot spell) cheese

Cook the garlic and onion in the olive oil until soft. Add the beans and tomatoes. Then add 1/4 palm full each: oregano, thyme, basil. Fresh basil would be even better but i didn't have any. You know, fennel seeds would be good as well but only a very little bit.
Cook the spaghetti until soft. Make sure you salt the water liberally.
Top with a generous amount of grated cheese.

favorite quote from this week

2008-02-16T18:11:00.004-05:00

"You know, you don't really know what love is until you have kids. It's changed my life so much and I can't imagine going through life without them. I mean, I know people do, but man. How empty."
- from a male coworker who knows I've started IVF; as we watched his kids playing. I should add I am not angry or upset at this completely insensitive and rather banal comment because this person might be the biggest idiot I've met in a long time. I don't think he can't help anything that comes out of his mouth even if he wanted to. He also added "just wait, you'll end up with twins." Ah, yes. Of course. And remember, they're implanted, not transferred.

I've started suppression for my Very First IVF. The best part is that I never really stopped bleeding from my last period - my body *hearts* to spot brown on the BCPs, and the Lupron! Oh! Even more so. It's been great being all Leaky McLeaky for the last couple of weeks. I took my last BCP three days ago and started what I believe to be a period today. It seems kind of soon, but who can judge. It looks as though I will start the big drugs this week.

In an attempt to get my anxiety under control, I began taking Z.oloft. I was told I would be sleepy for a few days, but that would wear off, and then my moods would stabilize and I would "see a drastic decrease in racing thoughts, shortness of breath, irritability, and just in general, you will stop acting all crazy and shit." The prospect of not being crazy anymore relieved me greatly, and my husband even more so. I couldn't wait to walk around in a medicated haze, stopping to smell the flowers and smiling plastically at work. Is this everyone's secret who seems so damned happy at work? Unfortunately, it was not meant to be for me. The first day I took it, I was awake until 3 am, wandering my home like a vagrant - chewing on my nails, talking to myself, swatting at invisible Crazy Bugs. It was horrible. So I stopped. I haven't pursued any additional anti anxiety/anti depressants yet, but has anyone else had this reaction from Z.oloft? I will talk to my dr. about this next week when I go in for a suppression check and see what she has to say about my reaction and what I could try instead. I've toyed with the idea of seeing a therapist. I just don't feel like I have that much to say. Maybe I have more to say than I think.
It feels good to write another blog entry again, and I am still the shitty commenter I've always been. I have 39 feeds on my bloglines so I have to excuse as I've been reading everyone's updates about once a week. As always, I vow to get better about this.
I hope I still have some readers out there - there's nothing like a blog about infertility that takes a year to actually get going with some real treatments. What can I say? I love to procrastinate. So do my ovaries.
P.S. I tried to spell check but it's not cooperating. If you see any egregious spelling errors, please disregard. Or print it out and mark the shit out of it in red ink. Whatever makes you feel at peace.

ETA: About the z.oloft . . . it was prescribed by the therapist at my RE's office. After we had our counseling appointment, she stressed that I need to be under the care of a psychatrist while I take medication. She was very responsible about it and did not call in any refills and said she wouldn't until she knew who I was seeing regularly. I really, really don't like to go. I've seen two - once as a teenager and once as a child, and to be honest I found them to be rather annoying - patronizing even. So I hesitate to go. It's also difficult to find one convenient to me, who specializes in infertility/anxiety disorders, takes appointments late in the day and who is under my insurance plan. I am thinking about asking her for a referral to someone in my area because she practices about 45 minutes away - and that's with no traffic in the afternoons. I did like her, so it is a shame.

goodbye, dear readers

2007-12-27T10:22:00.001-05:00

I've decided to stop writing this blog, at least for a little while.
I didn't want to just stop updating entirely. I can't stand it when people do that; just stop with no explanation.

I have nothing really new or interesting to say. Yes, I can't have a baby. Yes, that sucks. How many times/different ways/situations can I say it? It's damaged our marriage (but honestly, things were much, much worse a year ago), my self esteem, and even my outlook on life will never be the same. I just don't care to dwell upon this anymore. 2 1/2 years is long enough to let this run my life.
My mother is in remission from a cancer that could return and most likely will, given it's course. My sister has other health issues that make it impossible for her to have another child, which she was hoping to do in the new year. It puts the infertility my husband and I have experienced in perspective and almost makes me feel ashamed for all of this self centered whinging I do from time to time.
I have so many things in my life that make me happy. I think the best thing for me to do is think about those as much as possible. Which I've been doing more of lately. I still have bad days (Christmas Eve was one of these days), but you know what? Feeling sorry for myself still hasn't resulted in a baby yet. I don't think it ever will, so it's time for me to move on from this self imposed pity party as much as I can.
We aren't cycling now, and when we start, I will have more to say. So, please don't drop me from your bloglines or stop checking in. More interesting and witty repertoire will come eventually. The dildocam has missed me, or so I've heard.
I finally got good and angry at the infertility monster. I am kicking her out (or more likely, locking her in a dark closet at the back of my psyche) for good. And I am going to win this fight.

hot mess

2007-12-15T10:27:00.000-05:00

That's what I've been lately.
I haven't shaved my head and flashed my junk at the paparazzi (seriously, why? why? would this seem like a good idea for any reason?), but for a working girl who can't have no babies living in the 'burbs, I've done things that could be equivalents.
Such as:
- losing it (not the crying kind, the getting frustrated kind) in a meeting at work over nothing - really.
- subsequently getting chewed out in front of everyone at said meeting
- I don't think it was as bad as I thought, several people slapped me on the back and said "You've got a set!" Or maybe for this reason it was as bad as I thought? Who knows and who cares. Oh, me.
- considered walking out while humming "Take This Job and Shove It"; but realized I love too many things about my job to leave. Oh, and I need the money.
- trying to explain to D why I don't want to have sex with him anymore and actually using the phrase "It's not you, it's me." I used to have quite the desire for sexy time, so this is a tough one to explain.
- talking to myself in the car and gesticulating wildly, enough to draw the attention of several people stopped along with me at the red light. On more than one day.
- moving from the depths of despair and then to giddy happiness. All.day.long.
This IVF has got to start soon. Of course, in the true fashion of all things I still have one more test that must be repeated - a sonohystogram (spelling anyone? I don't know about this. Something doesn't look right, but you know what I mean). Which as many of you know, can only be done on certain days of a cycle, and they only had one appointment available in the middle of the day this time. I couldn't get away from work for several reasons. I know you're thinking "Priorities!" but I don't want to compromise work for this even more than I'm going to in a few weeks. So it's out and we wait one more cycle. And mine are unpredictable. Dammit.

how organized are you?

2007-12-01T15:29:00.000-05:00

After realizing that I've never, ever kept track of the many doctor's appointments, blood draws, results, cycle monitoring, test dates and their results, questions for the doctor, etc., I came to the conclusion that it might be wise to start. You know, for FUTURE REFERENCE WHEN I MEET WITH MY NEW RE SO I WON'T LOOK LIKE A TOTAL DUMBASS AT OUR VERY IMPORTANT IVF CONSULT APPOINTMENT; BECAUSE HE MIGHT MAKE US A BABY AND THAT IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
I am so not a type A. And this whole process is very type A. It doesn't suit me in the least. Like planning our wedding. I just didn't care about any of the details. I literally spent about 10 minutes choosing the food selections. It all tasted good and it was a very reputable catering company, so I figured just go with it. I let the venue where our reception was held choose the linens, glassware, and centerpieces. They kept asking "Now Tipsymarie, are you sure it's ok for us to make such important decisions regarding your WEDDING DAY?" I was expecting one of them to explode, but it never happened. Oh man. So high strung and so serious.about.weddings. I tried on a total of 8 dresses over a couple of trips to various small stores and decided on one almost immediately. I ordered my veil and bridesmaid dresses sight unseen from the interweb, and I am not kidding when I tell you I ordered my invitations from Party City. I know, some of you just recoiled in horror. It's ok because those damn things just went in the trash as soon as they were opened. I'm pretty sure the only person who will frame it is me. It currently sits in our living room. The only thing I really tried to plan was the music selection, because I didn't want to hear any annoying Top 40 shit. I wanted people to dance and have fun, so I did make sure we had a plan in place for an open bar that had everyone's favorites.

It was only natural and expected I take a laissez faire approach to things others find to need more planning. I bought my prom dress the night before and decided on an engagement ring design I liked in one afternoon. In perhaps the most the most shocking display of Type B ineptitude, I lost the secret notebook girls keep between each other. The one we spent hours decorating with stickers and puff paint and glitter. Oh, I had several friends stop speaking to me because of that loss. BFF, not so much.

When I was in school, I was not the girl with the pink and green kittened out Trapper Keeper divided neatly among the five subjects. Notes and school work were always stuffed into a desk or locker or under the bed or in the car. My teachers were always beyond frustrated with my lack of organization, or more likely, my lack of motivation to become organized.

On Friday, I spent some time making some really pretty, graphically pleasing calendars in Publisher for our Big Giant IVF Binder. If it wouldn't be so weird, I would send a copy to my new RE so he knows I am taking this more seriously that I have anything else in my life. Nothing says serious like a Big Giant Binder Stuffed with Calendars and Test Results.
I can't wait to make the labels and dividers.

it's 5:40 and i've already been up for an hour

2007-11-22T05:34:00.000-05:00

D runs in our city's half marathon every Thanksgiving (well the last one anyway), and I was supposed to run with him this year. Since I didn't really stick with the running program I started three months ago; I decided running 13.1 miles at 7 am on Thanksgiving was probably not the best idea.
It does not mean, however, that I didn't hear the alarm blare loudly first at 4:30 this morning, and then again at 4:39.
So I went ahead and got up. Lest you think getting up at 4:39 am is a bad idea, it's really great. Really.
I get to see D before he leaves.
I started the Sweet Potato Souffle so I'm not doing that at the last minute.
I might work out. Hey! I really might.

We are driving down to the inlaws later this morning so it will be nice not to rush. Everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I love the smell of dehydrated algae in the morning

2007-11-21T10:34:00.000-05:00

Cons:

1. doesn't fully dissolve in water

2. has a faint banana flavor. I think this was intentional by the manufacturer but it seems a little out of place.

3. because it doesn't dissolve fully in water, sometimes little chunks get stuck in the straw. Well, at least it keeps things interesting.

4. it tastes exactly as you would expect dehydrated greens and algae dissolved in water to taste.

Pros:

1. has several of the superfoods

2. might help with my egg quality

3. might help reverse aging in general

4. Itisgoodformedammit!

if there was a lazy blogger award, i would nominate myself

2007-11-17T09:01:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have nothing interesting to report, so I haven't exactly felt like writing anything.

Currently, my life consists of:
1. work. It's good because it's keeping me really busy, but on the reverse side it's bad because it's keeping me really busy.
2. cleaning, cooking, etc. You know, wifely duties. I've written about the frustrations I have with these time consuming tasks before, so no need to rehash. I don't have anyone to help with the cleaning because I am, oh, what is the word, a freak? The thought of someone else coming in my house and cleaning kind of bothers me. And what if they let the cats out? Or don't clean in the exact fashion I would if I were home to actually do the cleaning, which I am not? As a result, I mostly bitch about the perceived squalor of the house (which I am assured by D that we do not live in squalor per se, but more of an indifference to mess) and then do nothing. I am told that it is a very attractive character trait.
3. thinking about our upcoming IVF which is approaching faster by the day. Literally.
Current obsessions include, but are not limited to:
a. Should I stop drinking caffeine now and switch to raspberry leaf tea full time?
b.What about acupuncture?
c. Dairy yes or no?
d.Wheat yea or nay?
e.Metformin?
f. Alcohol?
g.Exercise that is moderate in intensity (which always feels like a waste of time to me. If I'm going to run, I am going to run, not dodder around like I'm afraid of myself).
h. Organic meats and produce consistently?
i. Yoga?
j.Meditation?
k. No artificial sweeteners?
l. A trip to Tibet to have my hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian-axis blessed by the Dali Lama?

The 90 day egg development rule states that with the exception of (l) that yes, I should have stopped or started doing or taking the appropriate measures listed above but have I done any of them? Um, no. In some ways, I really wish I'd never read The Infertility Cure. It made me too hypervigilant about things I could only fully control if I quit working and pursued getting pregnant full time. I'm not so sure that would be a good idea either.

4. The holidays are coming up. I am not feeling sorry for myself that we don't have any children because I am too busy figuring out how to convince family that we need to stop exchanging gifts and donate to a worthy cause of the recipient's choosing in his or her name. Of course, we would still purchase gifts for the kids, but the adults? It seems kind of silly and overblown. We don't really need anything. It feels ridiculous to me to ask for things just for the sake of having something to open on Christmas. With the exception of D, I think I might be the only one who feels this way. We'll see how it goes.

How about you? How do you feel about the holidays and gift giving?

I'm not nauseous because I'm pregnant

2007-11-01T07:03:00.000-04:00

It would be because I ate a ludicrous amount of Halloween candy last night; directly after consuming a delicious cheeseburger and fries covered in salt and malt vinegar.

That candy. It's deceptive. Packed in those little bundles, calling out to me from the basket near the door. If I just eat one, it's not that bad. The trouble becomes when I've said that, oh, 5 or 6 or 13 times or whatever. Those little ones toddling up to the door had no idea I was pilfering their Halloween joy for my own delight.

I think I might ovulate soon, or maybe already did, but I'm pretty sure I burned my little egg good with all that sugar. And the fries. And the real Coke.

fun with uterine dye

2007-10-25T10:07:00.001-04:00

I just got home from my HSG appointment.
Oh what fun.
The tech was really nice but not the sharpest tool in the shed. When she was explaining the procedure, she kept calling the speculum a "spectrum" and told me the radiologist was going to clean off my uterus with Betadine . . . I'm pretty sure she meant my cervix. Then, she shows me the camera they use and then said "Don't worry, we clean it off after every use" (as an aside, did I really need to hear that? Eeeww.) and then proceeded to swing it around and it hit the xray table. Lovely.
Then the radiologist comes in, and has such a thick accent I can't really understand him at first. He didn't want any towels under my pelvis. This turned out to be a very bad idea.
So, he threads the catheter in, and attempts to blow up the balloon and inject the dye . . . no luck. He went through about three catheters and an untold amount of dye. He kept saying "It's getting stuck on something." (??) Basically, the dye was running right out and not lighting up my fallopian tubes.
All of the poking and prodding and jerking on my cervix was pure joy as he tried maneuvers that I think he was making up as he went along.
Finally, he decides maybe the towels under my pelvis was a good idea. He put the balloon waaaayyy up at the top of my uterus and like magic, the fourth try was the charm. The cramping was very uncomfortable, but not too bad. And the best part? Everything is normal. Yay for that.

Boundaries

2007-10-21T13:52:00.000-04:00

I don't think I've ever discussed my family on this blog. It's not intentional, it's just that I haven't had very much to say. Since I've become an adult and left the nest, the drama waned significantly.
Before I get into this story, I should tell you that the word "boundary" is not one my mother knows well. She's shared things with me I could've lived my whole life without knowing, and at times when I was a child just would go off the deep end. Apparently, I was a very difficult child to raise. I don't remember trying to be so difficult, so I guess I was a natural cranky and independent filly. It wasn't uncommon for her to just lose it, and say she was leaving and not coming back, and on and on and on.

Kind of uncomfortable, but I realize now she was just having a lot of problems.

So there is a little history there, not uncommon between mothers and daughters. I'm always suspicious of mothers and daughters that are best friends. Really? Your mom? I tell things to my best friend I don't tell anyone else, certainly not my mother. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me and my mom because we weren't BFF. But now I tend to think that's normal, whatever that means. But I digress.

Back when I was in the throes of my clomid challenge test, I was worried that the results would be bad. Really worried. So worried I was occupying my time with anything but thinking about it. One day on the phone, she asked me what was the matter. When I told her what a bad result would mean, she said "Well, I want you to do whatever it is you need to have your children."
Well no shit, lady.
We've been doing just that for quite awhile, and this test might omit that possibility. And even if the results are good, we just wouldn't know if my eggs will work until we go through IVF. Which we of course still have to do. So nothing is off or on the table at this point. Upon hearing this, she replied "Have you thought about using your sister?" "For an egg donor?"
Um . . . .
The answer is yes, we have thought about it and we both agree we do not want to use someone we know. A few of my friends have offered (I know! So nice, but no thanks).
So I said essentially that - yes, but we prefer it to be anonymous. Additionally, my sister is not in good health, and has reproductive issues on top of her other health problems. So even if we wanted to go that route and all parties were willing, I don't think we could.
And so she then launches in to this whole. . . .thing. I'll shorten her points for your reading ease:
1. Genetically, you don't know what you're going to get.
2. Will they look like you?
3. What kind of testing is involved for the donor?
4. What criteria do you use to chose the donor?
5. If you use your sister, it will be in the family. (WTF? I don't know, it just seems like a weird point. Valid I guess, but weird).

Then she said, "I haven't said anything about this to your sister, but I know she would love to do this for you."

So what do I take away from this conversation? That my mother has essentially decided the solution to this problem is to use my sister's eggs, and to pepper me with suggestions and arguments until I agree.
I love my mom, but I wish she would not do things like this. She is probably just trying to help, however misguided this may be. Just trying to help is like, the worst phrase ever created. It is usually uttered after said action became nothing but a dismal failure.

quick update

2007-10-20T09:09:00.001-04:00

I didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. When there isn't much going on, I guess I don't have a lot of inspiration to write about gettin' preggs. The rest of my life is not so exciting, so there you go.

My HSG is scheduled for next week, and I am pissed I have to take a day off work. This year is very, very difficult for a lot of reasons, and I don't like to miss any days. It's just that much more for me to do when I return.

I had horrendous PMS the second time in a row - bloating, cramps, extreme bitchiness, food cravings, the works. Followed by a pretty normal period. So I don't know what is up - I kind of find it oddly reassuring. In the past, I had none of these things presumably because my hormones were low. I would just start bleeding whenever. But who knows?

IVF is getting closer . . . . dun dun dun.

I

am

scared.

So where is your degree in therapy again? Oh, that's right! You don't have one!

2007-10-06T12:08:00.001-04:00

When I started this blog, I struggled with whether or not to allow anonymous posting. I decided to allow it, mainly so if someone out there wanted to comment without starting a blogger account they could.
Well.
I received this gem of a comment this week on a blog entry from way back. You need to read it before you read her thoughtful and sensitive comment.

I would wonder if you are really being honest with yourself about your emotions. If you are truly happy, then I would wonder if you really cared very much about your own miscarriage. Is it possible that you were ambivalent about pregnancy to begin with and that the loss of the baby didn't really affect you that deeply? While others laud your attitude, I have to say that it raises red flags for me and strikes me as disingenous. Not that everyone who suffers a loss has to turn into a bitter, hateful hag -- not at all! But the complete absence of sorrow in your post leads me to conclude that you probably really ARE happy for her, and that is is because you really weren't too devastated by the loss of your own pregnancy.

I have to wonder - did she bother to read my numerous other posts? I haven't checked, but my guess is she did a google search and somehow landed on this post. In her haste to pass judgment on someone who has suffered a miscarriage, she undoubtedly did not bother to read anything else.
I'm not sure - is it worse that she DID, and still thought that I was a cold uncaring bitch, or she DIDN'T, and thinks that based on about 3 minutes of thinking?
I'm not so much angry with her response as disappointed. It makes me sad to know that someone out there read this and assumed that I didn't care about my baby, one that would've been born this week.
I mean, come ON. Enough already. Really. I'm good.

PS Have I told you guys about my mom's suggestion that I use my sister for an egg donor? And I told her I didn't think that was a good idea? And she said "Why not? I think it's a great idea!" And I said, "No, really. D and I think it just isn't. We've thought about it and if we need to go that route, we prefer it to be anonymous." And she said "Well, at least think about it some more. Your sister would love to do this for you." (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I haven't?
Well, that post is coming soon. I'm working on it.

The Best of Some Random Things

2007-09-30T18:17:00.001-04:00

I hope this finds you well on a wonderful Monday morning. I need to distract myself from overthinking things, and if you need to distract yourself too (who doesn't these days?) then read on.
I have compiled a best of list based purely on unscientific anecdotal evidence. Kind of like research trials for fertility drugs.

Enjoy!

Beauty Products
I will confess I don't have too many of these on my list. I don't know why, because I am a product freak. Go figure.

Best Mascara
Maybelline Great Lash. Always adds at least 2 extra hours of sleep to my tired eyes every morning. It's been doing the same for women across the world for decades. Don't think I haven't tried others - Lancome Definicils was my choice for awhile, but Great Lash drew me back. To be fair, it is a close second but only because it costs like $20 a tube. I mean it's just mascara, people. I don't care if it's spelled en francais or not.

Best Hair Shampoo and Conditioner combo
I have to admit something before you read any further. I am a shampoo and conditioner addict. I can't get enough. I rarely finish a bottle before I'm on to the next. I've tried them all from Pantene to the much overhyped Aveda line. But I always have the best results, the shiniest, bounciest hair you ever did see this side of the prairie, from Rusk Clean Shampoo and Smooth Conditioner. I do adore them so.

Best Tinted Moisturizer
Cover Girl Tinted Moisturizer in Medium. I love this stuff. It's cheap, readily accessible, and always adds a nice glow to my pasty white complexion. If I don't wear it to work, I always get "Are you sick today?" Can you say awkward when I'm all "No, I'm not wearing any makeup, ass." So, the lesson here is wear it and people will think you've been to the beach, or don't, and they will assume it's ok to ask why you look like shit.

Best Nail Polish
OPI I'm Not Just a Waitress or Innsbruck Bronze. The colors are perfect, they look good on just about everyone, and it never, ever chips or fades. Love them!

Entertainment--Movies

Best Cher Movie
Moonstruck. I love, love this movie. I've seen it about a frillion trillion times and I never get tired of it. It always makes me feel better no matter my mood. "Snap out of it!" Totally. I hear you Cher.

Best Movie That Explains Why Women Like Bad Boys
Goodfellas. The part where Karen hides the gun for Henry because she is so romanced by his lifestyle. And I would've done the same thing. No just kiddin'. I mean, the trash can? Come on Karen.

Best Movie that Exemplifies Why Mechanical Bullriding is Not Only a Sport but Really a Path to True Love
Urban Cowboy. Debra Winger. John Travolta. Lots of drinking, yelling and fighting in a trailer park and bars in 1970s Texas. Ends with Bud and Sissy realizing that after all, they are meant to be. Screw that mechanical bull.

Best Movie for Age Differences in Love and Those Obsessed With Death
Harold and Maude. Who says May-December romances are doomed? Well, this movie, but not for the reasons you might think. It's a bittersweet love story enhanced by way of one Cat Stevens.

Best Children's Movie from the 80's
Bet you think I'm going to say Goonies, but I'm not. Mainly because I've never seen the whole thing. I never sat in one place long enough to watch it. But there was one movie that held my interest. The Neverending Story. It had a main character about my age, it involved mythical creatures, a horse, a princess, and a far away land. Sign me up!

Best Movie that Illustrates the True Soul Crushing Nature of Corporate America in an Uncannily Accurate Fashion
Office Space. It is so hard to pick this movie's defining moment. Perhaps it's the destruction of the fax machine to Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta, or when Peter guts a fish on his desk because let's face it, he just doesn't give a fuck, the discussion of flair at Chachie's between Joanna and her manager, or Milton's red stapler. Truly, there are just too many to list here. If you haven't seen it, you must.

Music

Best Album for Wine Drinking and Making The Eyes at Someone Special
John Coltrane's Blue Train. There is just something about this album that makes me excited and relaxed and inspired and warm all at the same time. I have a feeling it makes a lot of people feel this way, hence it's continued popularity and it's place near the top in jazz history.

Best Albums for Remembering Why the Late 60's and Early 70's Was a Very Special Time, Especially for Those of Us Who Were not Born Yet
Led Zeppelin Three and Four, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, Neil Young's Harvest and Everybody Knows this is Nowhere. I don't think these need any explanation.

Best Album for When You Hate Men for Any Old Reason
Tori Amos Little Earthquakes. Girl and Tear in Your Hand are some of my favorites. When I first heard this album, I think I was 13 and I thought it was the most revolutionary thing I'd ever heard, never mind I was only 13 and had no idea what she was really writing about. Now, I listen and still think she is brilliant because unfortunately, I kind of do know.

Best Album for Getting Your Game Face On
Tupac's All Eyez on Me. I'm just a white girl from the South, but it gets the job done when you need it done. How do you want it? Oh man.

Best Albums for Remembering Why the Early 90s Were Not the Best Time for Music, in general
Color Me Badd C.M.B., Vanilla Ice Ice Ice Baby. They remind me of three things: bad skin, bad hair and crushes on boys who were less than desirable, even for an awkward teenager. Ugh. What a drag of a time. Oh, and they remind me of my best friend's basement, a Halloween party and turning out the lights. And kissing some boy with braces. Which wouldn't have been so bad, but I had them too. So it was just basically a disaster of crunching metal and eager tongues. Ice, Ice Baby, but that was later when I discovered my lip was swollen from all the making out.

I hope you enjoyed this little sojourn into my brain. That's all I got for you today. Hope everyone has a great Monday!

RE nurse + call = normal? get OUT!

2007-09-26T20:46:00.000-04:00

You know that feeling you get when the phone rings during the day, you look at the caller ID, and it's your RE's office? And they are calling you to give you the results of your latest test - that you've already forgotten about? I always get butterflies a little. Because I think it will be bad news. Somehow, I manage to put it out of my head until I hear the phone ring, and then I get this sheer panic all at once. It's really annoying.

So, my thyroid panel came back normal, which is good.

We are getting closer to IVF. And I am getting a little more freaked out every day. But no backing out this time. No no. We are doing this.

well, screw you too thyroid gland

2007-09-22T11:29:00.000-04:00

I've always relied on my thyroid not to fuck up but I guess I should've learned by now to stop relying in general and not act so surprised when the nurse called to inform me that my TSH was a little "off". I have to go back for a full thyroid panel to get a better looky. No big deal really i hope but it's one more appointment. While it's good to get that done and find out what adjustments need to be made, I am just ever so slightly irritated that this is happening on top of the other stuff. But I really shouldn't be as thyroid abnormalities and PCOS are like totally BFF. I'm not going to complain too much, except to say . . . What is up with my endocrine system, and why is it being such a piece of shit these days?*

*I can't beat up on it too much. I passed the c.lomid c.hallenge test. While it doesn't necessarily mean anything great and amazing to pass, it is certainly better news than it could've been. I feel like if this is in tiny font, it won't mean I'm getting too optimistic.

on and off

2007-09-15T20:25:00.000-04:00

There will be a real post later this week. But until then, I supply you with some fluff.

On
1. vodka martinis with extra olives
2. dairy
3. wheat
4. raw veggies
5. running
6. sugar
7. coffee
8. real coke
9. not giving a damn, because if I'm going to get pregnant, I doubt the consumption of the above will stop me.
10. being happy because i'm no longer depriving myself of the above delicious items.
11. better sex with the husband
12. this could be because i bought this. what can i say? it was on the way to the produce on the end of the aisle. impulse buy.

off
1. acupuncture
2. being told "we don't know what's wrong with you, but man, you are way messed up"
3. "your tounge is coated and the tip is red. here, buy these expensive herbs of unknown origin and take three times a day, and you will feel so much better."
4. worrying about whether or not I'm doing the right thing as i throw the herbs out.
5. being scared to hold a baby because i might cry
6. being scared to persue more tests and treatments because i'm scared of the outcome.
7. being scared in general of the whole infertility monster
8. identifying my self worth with my inability to have a baby

on overthinking

2007-08-25T22:37:00.000-04:00

I started this post over a week ago, and was too tired to finish it. I know I have been the worst blogger ever, but when you aren't cycling or doing anything at all in that area, life just takes over and I stop thinking about IT. But not really, of course.
I really, really hesitated to post this blog. It cuts to a lot of issues about IVF we rarely discuss. I never see them written about in other blogs or message boards, which always makes me wonder if it's just me that thinks these things or that many of us do but don't talk about them. If you choose to read, know that I am only looking for guidance and nothing more. I am truly and utterly confused by my own thoughts and need some advice.

*************************************************************************************

I have many bad thinking habits, and probably the one of the worst is a tendency to overthink and overanalyze things. It's strange, because that requires a great deal of concentration - but my other thinking bad habit would have to be my AD.D. I never took R,italin, and it seems silly to start that now. I've figured out ways to make my absentmindedness cooky and charming rather than irritating (at least, I would like to think so). It seems to bewilder others so much they stop trying to figure out why someone could forget to shave one leg or get lost on the way to the grocery store (yes. I really did that. That story is for another day.) that they just give up and laugh right along with me.

I've never applied my overanalyzation to IVF, at least not consciously. But I'm fairly certain I've been doing it all along. We were told over a year ago that it was really our only option for a healthy child. But something has been nagging at me this entire time - hence the constant procrastination.

When I think of IVF, I think of sharpness, cold, pain. Really, it makes me think of a large collection of cold steel needles - if IVF could manifest itself, that's what it would be to me. It's such a harsh sounding acronym. I am in no hurry to take the plunge. I feel like it's something we must do to say we've done everything possible to have our own biological children. For a very long time, this was as important to me as it was to my husband.

Then one day, it became less important than" just" being a mom. The more and more I thought about IVF, the less and less I want to actually go through with it. It's incredibly confusing really - some days, I am just so SURE it will work, so SURE it's the right thing to do, and then others I feel the exact and total opposite. And I start to wonder if it's really even worth the money, time, emotional stress. Is it really worth it?

I just don't know.

I feel like I have to do it, to give D a shot at having his biological children. Something I should probably discuss is the fact our new doctor wants me to do a C.lomid C.hallenge Test. He's concerned that my previous poor response to injectibles and the two chromosomally abnormal miscarriages might be due to an even bigger problem. I knew that was coming, the writing was on the wall. A 28 yr old PCOS patient in otherwise good health doesn't have a poor response to meds unless something else is very wrong. And that was two years ago. But I don't KNOW this yet because I haven't actually DONE the test. And no medical professional has mentioned a donor, so it's really nothing I can stress over right now - and even if we use a donor, the big questions are still there.

At this point, it is what it is, and I would rather know before going ahead with IVF.

And then there is the whole issue on which we completely, utterly, totally disagree.

First let me say I wasn't raised in church, and even after all of this difficulty, I am pro-choice. I am not a particularly religious person by any means, and that is why this whole train of thought has thrown me completely off balance. I am fairly liberal in every area of my life, which let me say is quite a feat as I was raised in a small town in the South.
And then these completely foreign thoughts started creeping in. I mean, isn't this complicated enough as it is? I certainly think so, but my brain thinks otherwise.
Whew. Ok, let's get down to the issue.
I can't shake the feeling that something just isn't right about our possible children getting their first starts at life in a lab, floating in a culture medium. And that some of them will arrest in development and die. And if they make it far enough, they could die in my womb. What if we have some left over and they aren't deemed suitable for freezing? By standards that can vary widely from clinic to clinic? What happens to them? Do they go out with the lab waste? I know they do, and I don't think I could bear the thought. What if we do freeze some, and they don't make it though the thaw? Did we inadvertently kill them? What if we decide we don't want any more children (I know, ha ha that I'm even thinking this), and we do have some on ice, if you will - what do we do with them? D says donate them to science, or donate them to another couple. I cannot donate to science, even though it might mean being part of a cure for my mother's cancer - and to another couple? I can't wrap my head around complete strangers raising my child. Just can't.

WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF?

How do I reconcile creating many lives, some that may die, in the hopes of creating some so we can have our children? D says he doesn't think of it like this, but I can't think of it any other way.

What in the fucking fuck do I do now?

And WHERE is my A.DD when I need it?

feminism can suck on my big toe.

2007-08-18T08:49:00.000-04:00

I got all fired up after reading this post at anns' blog. There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that was relatively stress free. I went to work and then came home and relaxed with a glass of wine. I had roommates for years. Truly, it was the best living arrangement. I got to live with my best friends, only had to worry about feeding myself, cleaning up after myself, when I was ready to go to bed, turning off the lights and never having to put the proverbial toilet seat down. No one ever asked What are we doing for dinner, Is my so-and-so clean, have you seen ___________, etc.

And then I fell in love with the most wonderful (and I am just going to say, hottest man) and got married.

And so here we are. I get up every morning at 5 or 5:30. First thing I do is make coffee, which I've recently started drinking again. I know, I know, caffeine = bad. But I love it. Sometimes I do the dishes or some laundry. D sleeps a little later and gets in the shower, gets ready and leaves for work. We both have the same job, and the same responsibilities, and make the same salary. We both leave work at about the same time, 5 or so. So, our work days are about 9 or 10 hours. That's not counting what we do at home almost every night - email, grading, etc.

After work, he runs. I try and decide what we're eating for dinner. Usually, that means going to the store because we're trying to eat out less. Then I come home and cook. He comes home and sits down and talks to me while I'm cooking or watches TV or takes a shower. We eat. He does some work. I clean the kitchen. Then I do some work. We go to bed. I try and go to sleep with the light on because he likes to read.

Sounds like fun, no?

We don't have a housecleaner, because we don't want to spend the money, so the only time to really clean is the weekend. So I will do that but not as often as it needs. We have a fairly large house, which we bought because we were going to have kids soon. Ha. So it takes almost the whole day. Sometimes, he will help me clean, but honestly, he doesn't really clean. So that means at some point I have to go behind him. Which I hate to do. It makes me feel like my mother. But I can't stand the bathroom all gross if I've actually found the motivation to clean. And if you don't clean it for several months and then just sort of clean it, yeah. You get the picture.

He does all the major yardwork which is a huge job, but honestly, it's only 7 months out of the year. He helps out with the laundry too. It's not like he is some caveman or something, but it still doesn't feel like we have "equal responsibilities".

Before I continue, let me just say I absolutely adore my husband and love him so very much. I wouldn't change anything about getting married.
But.
Its all me for the daily stuff. And I hate it. I really do. I resent this whole arrangement to no end. It's just not fair. We work the same hours. I want to come home and relax. I want to run after work with friends (if I had any that ran, which I do not. They are either pregnant or have little babies.) I want to not worry about whether the bathrooms are clean, if we have clean dishes, do we have milk, bread, and on and on.

I know many of you are thinking "Can't you both switch off day to day things?" Well, we've done it for awhile, and then it always ends up falling apart. He's just not going to remember. And it's not going to change.

What the hell am I going to do if we actually have children?? I can't even wrap my brain around that one.

So this brings me to my biggest complaint. Feminism.
But first here is my disclaimer:
I think the feminist movement was wholly necessary and needed, please understand that. But women's roles have morphed into the everythingcaretaker-corportateladderclimber-roommother-breastfeeder-teardabber-cooker-lovemaker-and on and on.

Sure, the workplace is substantially more equal than 30 years ago, but guess what?? That's where it ends. We still have the children, nurse the babies, and, lets face it, take care of our husbands to varying degrees. We still end up falling into the roles of our grandmothers ON TOP OF taking on more and more at work, because we were all told we could do it all.

I suppose the argument here is we have the option to do it all, and our grandmothers didn't.

But I don't so much think it's optional anymore. I certainly don't feel as though it is.
Just about every woman I work with is either on antidepressants or antianxiety medication. They are constantly stressed, and will freely admit they have not one ounce of time for themselves. One is going through a divorce, and told me the other day how nice it was to go home and just take care of her two kids and herself on her own schedule. Once she puts them to bed, she has the evening to herself. She's reveling in all this free time.
I am I the only one that finds that sad and depressing?

So here we are, 30 years later, and I just don't think anyone is necessarily happier for it. Women tear each other apart on childraising strategies, breastfeeding, cesareans vs. vaginal births, natural vs. medicated, and on and on and on. There is no feeling of common sisterhood among the general female population. We are so busy competing at the workplace and trying to do it all in general, it's spilled over into our collective female conscience.

While I don't want to quit my job and stay at home, even if we have children, I just want things to be less . . . .contentious and competitive among women.

I am tired of trying to do it all, and I've still got quite a ways to go.

Screw complete independence.

Sometimes, I just want someone to take care of me.

it turns out I am human after all.

2007-08-12T08:51:00.000-04:00

I apologize for not commenting on any of your blogs this week (and most of last week). Work started back, and I have been extremely busy. Since I work in education, I feel a little weird writing about what goes on at work, but suffice it to say, it is a really difficult job sometimes, and the pay doesn't exactly reflect that fact. After I graduated, I chose between law school and graduate school in education, and sometimes, I wonder why I didn't choose law. Really, I wonder. More on that some other time.
Alright. Let's move on to the entertaining stuff.

Remember this silliness? The shower for my friend who is due two weeks after I would've been was yesterday. For your reading ease, I've broken down the experience into three parts: before, during, after.

Before:
I went to get the gift after work on Thursday, and of course they were registered at Target, the scene of an already embarrassing breakdown. I got the gift and then went to pick out the card and wrapping accouterments*. It was filled, I mean filled, with adorable stuff for babies, baby showers, new moms, puppies, kittens, little balls of sunshine, and the obligatory fairies. There was a lilt of lilac in the air, and a cool breeze flirted with the hairs on my neck. Oh, how I do love Target.

As I was deciding what wrapping paper style and color scheme to choose, which I must say was not easy as there were about a trillion choices, I started crying. Really crying. Not just a little tear here or there. It was awful. I still had to buy the freaking R.ainforest J.umperoo and the card, which I still had to pick out.
Question: How in the fuck I am I going to pick out a card if the wrapping paper is making me cry?
Answer: By continuing to cry, accidentally getting snot on some of the cards, choosing one that you would like to receive at your own baby shower, somehow magically collecting yourself (perhaps from the helpful fairies?) and getting the hell out of there.

During
At this point, I need to talk about AP. AP is the friend who hosted the shower at the mama's house. AP has an adorable one year old boy, C, and a doting, sweet husband. She is a stay at home mom and is a big proponent of a.ttachment p.arenting**. While I am certain she has problems, just like everyone else, to me her life looks pretty damn close to perfect. She belittles her husband in front of him and us (which is so incredibly AWKWARD) and complains about how hard it is to parent in this style ALL THE TIME. Last night, I was curious and read about attachment parenting, and I thought many parts of it sound great, but she is taking many of the philosophies to the extreme. She never sets C down, really, never. They sleep in the floor with him, and to my knowledge, they have not had sex since she was about 6 months pregnant***. They don't use a stroller. They don't put him in the car unless he is sleeping because he cries as he does not like the car, so consequently, they don't go anywhere unless it's his nap time, which may or may not happen on any given day. Yesterday, she was about an hour late because C didn't go to sleep, and as he was still sleeping in the car when they got there, her husband stayed in the car with him so he would not be awoken upon being removed from the car. He was out there about an hour by himself while the rest of us where inside talking and visiting. The men went to play golf while we had the shower, but her husband stayed behind in a back bedroom because C "doesn't feel comfortable around other people" and the only way to keep him happy is to have one or both parents with him at all times. And really, C he doesn't, including his grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I assume this is because they will not allow him to become upset, so he's accustomed to being held indefinitely by his parents, and as a result has virtually no attachment to anyone else, nor any real curiosity about others. He rarely smiled at the other children at the party, nor the adults, and sadly, was so attached to AP he missed out on a lot of things most one year olds would enjoy. I've known AP for many years, and I have my own reasons on why she needs to be needed so much, and I don't think she's aware of why she's doing this to her son, or what the implications will be for him as he grows. So, I keep my mouth shut because it is not my child, my husband or my life.

Still reading?

AP knows how long we've been trying to get pregnant. She doesn't know about the miscarriages or the treatments we've been through, but she knows how long it's been. And, she is L&D nurse, so she has an intimate understanding of the female reproductive system and pregnancy.
Questions/comments I was asked/told by her yesterday:
1. Wow, your and D's kids will be so hairy! (as an aside, WTF?? I am not that hairy.)
2. You will carry well because you are tall.
3. You and D's kids will be so tall!
4. Have you thought about whether you will work or not after you have your kids?
5. And my personal favorite that doesn't have anything to do with the above: as she arrived an hour late - You look so cute! I didn't recognize you!

At this point, I reminded her we've been trying for over 2 years now, so we will just have to see. And she still did not fucking get the hint. By the time D came back from playing golf, I was sitting on the couch, staring intently at the television. I was afraid to talk otherwise I might cry. Eventually, we were alone in the kitchen, and he gently asked if I was upset, and at that point I went into the bathroom and cried a little. Then we got the hell out of there.

After
I cried AGAIN**** in the in the car, thinking about next summer, and their son would be here, and our daughter would not be. We are very close friends, and I know if things would've worked out, it would be like a second family. It was early evening, my favorite time of the day during the summer, the light was streaming down through the trees and I wanted more than anything to be expecting our baby.

Sometimes, I think the universe is a bitter old woman who likes to pick on us when we are vulnerable.

*I've been slightly obsessed with this word lately. I know. Lame.
** I like many of the tenets of this style. It appeals to my inner antiestablishment earth child.
*** Draw your own conclusions on what this means for thier marriage. We would be here all day if I were to expound on my own thoughts.
**** I am not a crier, so at this point I was just getting pissed with myself. I mean really. How many times am I going to cry about this? Enough already.

2007-08-03T20:57:00.000-04:00

This came from Serenity's blog. Interestingly, I got the same result as Sarah.
I've taken the Keirsey Temperment Sorter, the Myers-Briggs, and each time I get the same result. Interesting to know that I can be summed up in about 76 questions!

Description:
ENFPs are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive. They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events. ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity. ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental.

I never would've thought . . .

2007-08-01T15:06:00.000-04:00

You're Spain!

You like rain on the plain, as well as interesting architecture and
a diverse number of races and religions. You like to explore a lot, but sailing,
especially in large groups, never really seems to work out for you. Beware of pirates
and dictators bearing bombs. And for heavens' sake, stop running around bulls!
It's just not safe!

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

I got this from niobe's blog. I never get tired of these.

because my favorite pasttime is armchair psychology

2007-07-26T18:10:00.001-04:00

As I read blogs, I always notice the blogger's name. Sometimes, it is her (or his) real name, but often, an alias was chosen. I usually wonder what motivations were behind the selection.

Some variations I've noticed:
1. an homage to their personality in some fashion
2. a name that relates their infertility experience
3. something that has to do with pregnancy or babies
4. one that relates to literature
5. one that identifies them as a significant other
6. one that identifies them in relation to a location

I find it fascinating - why did you choose/how did you come up with your blogger name?

Thanks for asking about mine.
My name came from my behavior after a few drinkys, back in my 20s. My friends found it amusing, so one decided that this personality needed a name. My name isn't marie, but I was tipsy, so "tipsymarie" was born. Tipsymarie was funny, charming, wacky and totally entertaining. It reminds me of much happier and carefree times. Oh, how I miss you, tipsymarie! Maybe we will meet up again someday.

obsessiveness

2007-07-23T11:33:00.000-04:00

Since we bought our house several years ago, our bedroom has looked the same. We never painted or bought new furniture, and just a few months ago, we finally took down the old owner's window treatments. They were this maroon synthetic silk with gold finials. Pretty bad, but it took us years to remove them. That got us going, and we painted it a little while later. I didn't like it as soon as we began to apply it - just didn't look right. I thought maybe it would grow on me. Then, the window treatments that I ordered came in, and I love them, but they look terrible with the paint. So, instead of ordering a different color, I want to repaint the whole room. I hate it when this happens, because D gets super pissed. So I didn't say anything, and then we painted the bathroom.
I.hate.it.
Today, I got some new paint swatches, um, about 20 of them, because I am going to repaint both the bedroom and bathroom.
And let me add that I hate painting, but I don't want to pay anyone to do something that easy.

This is what I obsess about when we aren't actively TTC.

Um, Bumble?

2007-07-20T07:04:00.000-04:00

I just saw you are pwp on bloglines - please email me - tipsymarie at gmail dot com.

I hope everything is ok.

baby showers bring . . . not sadness, jealousy, grief or anger but happiness?! Huh?

2007-07-18T19:10:00.000-04:00

I am so boring right now. We aren't really trying to get pg anymore*, just coasting. Actually, it is a load off, and I can focus on other things. Which is nice, I mean, I am so tired of thinking about my eggs/uterus/etc. I am excited to see the new wave of BFP's in the blogosphere, it gives me new hope. Ha ha! Hope. Now THAT'S funny.

Sooo, yeah. The baby shower.

One of my best friends has a baby shower coming up - she is due about two weeks later than I would've been if I hadn't miscarried. Now, you would think that:

1. I would be really sad and jealous just at the mere sight of her, with her cute round tummy. You know, because I would be comparing her with what I should look like had I not lost the baby.

2. Unable to cope with said sadness and jealousy, and not really talking to her.

3. Most def not going to the shower.

Nope. This is where I think I am some sort of infertile freak. I am not jealous. At all. In fact, I am really happy and excited for her. I am looking forward to her shower and helping out. It would've been really cool to be due together - we both got married two weeks apart, so having our babies that way would just be the icing on the cake. And the fact that I would've been pg without IVF or any other ART. You know, the whole pg thing is pretty nice for free.

But other than that, no. I am more than ok with it - I can't wait for the baby to get here.

And this is where it gets really weird. She was talking about how soon the baby would be here, and all the changes they would need to make in the house, how they spend money, when they go out socially, etc. And while she is overjoyed to be a mom, she was honestly freaked out about what was about to happen. And I was relieved it wasn't me. Relieved I wasn't the one sitting there, worrying where to put the baby furniture and how the dog will react and where will we get the money for _______ and on and on and on and on. Relieved.

WHAT?!!!

That's what I said, inside my head. Here I am, trying to get pg for over two years, spent thousands of dollars, two mc's, disappointment after disappointment, and I was relieved I am not the one who is pregnant??!!!!!!

Seriously. What the fuck is that? Have I gotten so far down the hole of IF I've come out the other side into some alternate universe?

*Not NOT trying. Just continuing to put of IVF until we have the money, or a reasonable way to get it. Which let me say, insurance in this state FUCKING SUCKS.

what's a girl to do?

2007-07-08T17:08:00.000-04:00

I used to have loads of healthy self esteem in my early 20's. I was blessed with this partially because I discovered that I felt like an unstoppable force of feminine wile after a few drinks, so that made it easier to *heart* myself. I could talk to anyone, dazzling them with my coy charm - or so I thought. At any rate, boys noticed me and paid me lots of attention. This is when I met my husband - when I was on.

My teens, not so much. I always felt rather awkward and for lack of a better word, jumbly. I was teenage angst personified. I scowled as much as was possible for a well loved and supported 16 year old. I had a terrible case self doubt and hated my soft curves and slightly exotic appearance. I wanted nothing more than to be blonde, blue eyed and petite. Subsequently, I had a small flirty relationship with an eating disorder. She and I got along well, but eventually I had to tell her goodbye. High school for me was a mildly disturbing journey through both physical and social anxieties. I could never get the cute guy or master looking like I didn't care what others thought of me when I cared more than anything in the world.

This past weekend, D and I went to his class reunion. For the life of me, I did not understand why he would want to go, but he was all the things I was not. He actually enjoyed his time in adolescence. His ex girlfriend was there. She's all the things women dread in their husband's exes. Tall and lithe, naturally tan, dark long hair and a dazzling smile. Very flirty, and this is not a snarky thing, but could (and would) flirt with a lamppost. And make it look like a good idea. I noticed him looking at her several times - I couldn't tell if he was staring or just, you know, glancing about the room where she happened to be standing.

So the comparisons began between the two of us began in my dinged up psyche. She's this, I'm that, etc. All those feelings of inadequacy I thought I'd left far behind came back in a flood, but now with the added fun of actually being inadequate due to my piece of shit eggs. That mess was back, now with infertility and marital jealousy. Oh, what fun it was.

So I did what any self respecting infertile goddess would do - I had several glasses of wine, shook my hair down and took my husband for a little fun in the backseat of our car at the after party.

After all, I am good at some things.

N.ancy f'ing G.race* is pregnant?!

2007-06-28T23:32:00.001-04:00

Is this real?

And yet my eggs are as useful at creating life as 10 year old K.roger bags? Wait.

I give up.

Not really.

But only because I am a self flagellating idiot who loves a challenge.

*I've never met her. I'm sure she is v.v. nice.

what's going on.

2007-06-20T19:31:00.000-04:00

I am really bad at titles.

I started the acupuncture, and it turns out I am all kinds of fvcked up. It would've been pretty cool if she had actually said "Yep. You are all kinds of fucked up. Welcome."

She looked at my tongue, took my pulse, and palpated my abdomen and neck and shoulders for soreness. This has caused me to apply the same zeal to the color, shape and coating of my tongue that I used to apply to early pg symptoms. I palpate my abdomen as much as I used to poke my boobies. I'm not kidding. I must check about 10 times a day. That's probably not doing me any good. If it did, I would already have a child.

I don't know how i feel about the acupuncture just yet. Part of me thinks it's working, I feel less anxious, but not all the time. My I.B.S. is somewhat better, but not as good as it used to be when I had less stress. (And a considerably terrible diet.) I am going to definitely give it more time, this is only my second week. It is sooo relaxing, although sometimes it hurts when she places the needles. She said that's where I have stagnation. Apparently, I have a lot of that. Stagnation is caused in part by unfulfilled desires. Hmph. I might have some of those too. I've been reading The I.nfertility Cur.e, so I am trying to cut things out of my diet that might make my problem worse. Unfortunately, they are all things that taste really good.

I pretty much don't like many vegetables. Or brown rice. Or chicken. If I could, I would live on diary and refined carbs punctuated with protein offered by way of a cheeseburger. Oh, and co.ke and coffee. And vodka martinis with extra olives.

These days, I am trying to stuff as many veggies down my throat as I can, and considerably less of the bad stuff. I think the first thing I will do once I have a child is order some S.onic. Maybe. I don't think I can mix a drink while still in the maternity ward. I assume they frown on that kind of thing?

We had our consult with a new RE today. Henceforth, he will be known as Dr. Good.

Other options considered for names:
1. Dr. Lowtalk
2. Dr. New
3. Dr. Calmdemeanor
4. Dr. Reallyexplainsstuffwell
5. Dr. Thorough

Yeah. I liked Dr. Good the best too. It's simple, and gets to the point of why we liked him.

Dr. Good and his office staff were roughly 100 times more professional, soothing, and downright calming than my previous RE's office. He went over my entire chart (apparently, it was the longest they'd ever gotten by fax, still not sure if this was a backhanded complement or just an observation of my screwed upness, but anyway, anecdotally interesting), explaining what he would do and why, and what everything meant, and what our odds were if we proceed with IVF. Very thorough, very professional, great sense of humor. Talked to us like we had brains. It was truly refreshing and we felt that IVF with him would be, dare I say, not as anxiety inducing as I feared. We are definitely going with his practice. He was supportive of acupuncture and wanted me to continue with it. They actually tell their patients to use it to manage stress. All and all, it made us feel SO much better about the whole process, and instead of having a huge sense of dread about the whole thing, I can't wait to get started. It will be awhile though, because of the whole money issue. I just love insurance that doesn't cover much.

Wow. I feel pretty good.

I am so sorry to you

2007-06-14T13:15:00.001-04:00

That you had to search for this on google:
no heartbeat at 6 week scan sac very small after ivf.

Because:
1. Your doctor wasn't as forthcoming as he or she should've been about your ultrasound. Don't we all know that familiar feeling?
2. You are all alone, looking for any comforting answer from Dr. Google.
3. There probably isn't one out there and instead you've scared yourself even more.
4. You made it all the way through IVF, and this is the outcome.

Honey, whoever you are, I hope this turns out OK.

And I hope you come back.

a case study in how infertility screws with really good friendships

2007-06-09T09:38:00.000-04:00

1. she got pg on "accident" last sept.
2. they were in no way ready to be pg, her husband just "forgot" to pull out. or he did, and mysteriously she got pg anyway. that's the official story but I'm going with my hunch because he's said things like "what if i got you pg on purpose". right. what if.
3. she kept freaking out she was pg. what are we going to do, we can't afford it, we have to move out of this dump, etc. all i wanted to say was why didn't you use FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL!! but i didn't. 'cause i'm such a great friend.
4. instead, i kind of distanced myself from her for a little while, and stopped talking to her altogether when i got pg. because i was a mess, nervous and neurotic, and we weren't telling anyone because things always were on the verge of disaster. it was just too hard. we were barely functioning as it was.
5. and eventually, she said basically "why aren't you talking to me?" and i told her everything. the pg, mc, d&c. (how's that for an overuse of acronyms?)
6. she was completely understanding and quite possibly was the most supportive of any of my friends that found out. maybe that's not entirely fair, though, because i've kind of refused to talk about it unless someone gently shoves me to, and she did. and i am so grateful for it.
7. pg progresses totally normally. no issues, except for a mild case of gestational diabetes.
8. they induced her monday at 3. she had her baby at 8:30. 5.5 hours. she went home a day and a half later with a healthy little one.

What is the word for this? Envy? Jealousy? Maybe, I guess, but I don't FEEL spiteful or hateful or any of those things. I am happy their baby is here and healthy and they are doing well and have a bright future ahead for their new family.

Someone needs to create a word for this feeling and get it in W.ebster's Infertile Dictionary ASAP.

But first, I guess someone needs to write a W.ebster's Infertile Dictionary.

oh man. i am a giant ass.

2007-06-04T14:16:00.000-04:00

Well, I called to reschedule the acupuncture appointment.

And she remembered me.

And said: "I had you scheduled for an hour(!)." What happened to you?" As in, you cost me an hour of business. I did call first, I wasn't a no show, but I guess I am so used to doctor's appointments that are double booked that I don't even think twice about it anymore.

She was very, very nice about it but I felt really bad.

So I told her I chickened out. She laughed and told me it was not as bad as I was thinking.

I am definately going back and making the appointment.

Really? A whole entire HOUR? I couldn't believe it. A whole hour to talk about my dysfunctional body. Sadly, I am super excited.

Yeah, I cancelled it.

2007-06-02T09:29:00.001-04:00

But after reading everyone's comments, I am rescheduling the acupuncture appointment for some time next week.

Did I mention I had two relatively normal cycles IN A ROW?? The ovulation was decidedly not spectacular, but nonetheless, happened on a reasonable day. I am hoping for a tickertape parade this month, perhaps with appropriately timed sex and, if I'm feeling especially spunky and naively hopeful, pregnancy (like a for real one, not a repeat of the last two, thank you very much). How can one still be so naively hopeful after two years? I have not the faintest clue.

This massive dose of met.formin might be working, even though I am dealing with the GI side effects from hell. Still. Apparently at this dose they are here to stay.

wait! i'm not ready!!

2007-05-31T08:27:00.000-04:00

I made an appointment with an acupuncturist today, and I am about to cancel it. Why? I am afraid of the unknown. It's really irrational, but it is what it is. It's the same fear that kept me from calling a new RE and making an appointment. That I actually did yesterday, and I am waiting for the new patient coordinator to call me back. I got this doctor's name from a friend of mine who did IVF last year and now has a 9 month old little girl, and she's starting all over again this SEPTEMBER. Nerves of steel this girl has. She said she liked this doc really well, and I trust her judgment. So, we are going, hopefully soon. Ah! Why am I nervous??? We've been at this for 2 years.

I am such a scaredy cat.

some things that might be problems if we ever manage to actually have a baby

2007-05-27T10:28:00.000-04:00

1. I don't have that baby holding gene that all women except myself (and A.ngelina J0lie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith) have. I get all stiff and freaked out when someone hands me a baby. I have actually said "no" when someone asks "Do you want to hold _______?"

2. I have NO freaking idea how to button a onesie. What is with all those damn snaps?????? I see zippers in my future.

3. I have only changed a diaper ONCE, and it wasn't messy. And it was roughly one month ago.

4. The idea of breastfeeding scares the hell out of me.

Well, I guess four things is not that bad.

In other news, we are not doing another IUI this summer. We decided just to wait and save our money and sanity for the IVF later this year. And, we are getting second and third opinions this summer. For some reason, this was a difficult decision for me to make. Seems like common sense but it was hard to even admit that maybe other ideas might be out there.

i promise to write a real entry soon, but until then i'm considering myself tagged . . .

2007-05-25T17:54:00.000-04:00

I have been so so busy. The last of the school year is my least favorite time. Too many loose ends that all have to be tied up NOW. Urgh. I will write a real post later this weekend.

If you haven't already, please go and congratulate Bumble. Yea!!!!

MEME INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.

1. Life Lemons
2. Thinking Out Loud
3. Are We There Yet?
4. Max's Mommy
5. The Follie Files

Next select five people to tag: Anyone who reads this and wants to do it, consider yourselves tagged.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Living in a college town, partying and rarely going to class. Not a care in the world. Those were the days.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
On a break from TTC, looking forward to the summer.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. guacamole
2. yogurt
3. potato chips
4. nuts of any kind
5. white cheddar popcorn

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. Wish You Were Here -- Pink Floyd
2. I Can't Wait -- Nu Shooz. In 5th grade, this was my SONG. Skate night lives!
3. Where is my Mind? -- Pixies
4. Waiting for the Bus -- Violent Femmes
5. Just a Friend -- Biz Markie

Five things you would do if you were a millionairebillionaire (A million doesn't buy a lot these days):
1. open an animal rescue farm
2. fix healthcare
3. quit my job (actually, i would still work part time.)
I don't even think I have 5!!

Five bad habits:
1. impulse control
2. drinking (it's hard for me to just have one or two)
3. smoking (no, not anymore but i still think about it regularly.)
4. temper tantrums
5. potty mouth/gossipping

Five things you like doing:
1. driving. I know it's weird. You don't have to tell me. It just always feels good to be going somewhere.
2. sleeping
3. talking. i am a conversation addict.
4. reading
5. taking my dog for walks in the park

Five things you would never wear again:
1. stirrup pants
2. anything with brand logos plastered all over it.
3. black or really dark purple lipstick. what can i say? i was an angst ridden teen in the early 90s.
4. super high platforms
5. fishnets. please see number 3.

Five favorite toys:
Um . . .I don't really have any toys (no, not even one of THOSE), so I will try.
1. BopIt
2. any card games
i think that's it.

so much for taking a break

2007-05-12T11:28:00.000-04:00

The urge, the wemustdoitNOWitistherighttime, hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I don't know why. I am no longer scared, worried about what might happen - well, yes, I still am, but not MORE than I want to do it - the big one - IVF.

I spent a lot of time last night on IVF connections Atlanta board reading patient referrals of doctors and clinics in my area. And, it turns out I might be right where I need to be. My clinic is the most affordable (which I know should not be my deciding factor, but I have to admit, the $8,000 difference between mine and the one I was considering is certainly an issue) and the shared risk program at my clinic actually allows for more FET's. Ha! I am assuming we will get that far. Who knows. Additionally, my doc got the following comments:

1. "Blunt, and a little weird, but you never have to wonder if he's sugar coating anything."
2. "Told me straight out how things were - did not get my hopes up unnecessarily."
3. "I went to him after frustration at my old clinic (the one I was considering) because they did not know how to treat my PCOS."
4. "He is a nationally recognized expert on PCOS."
5. "His bedside manner leaves much to be desired, but I don't care as long as I can get pg."

Ok. That last one was mine.

So, maybe I do have it good - I do not like sunshine and rainbows, and I do agree with the comments. And, I've been told he is a trailblazer on the treatment of PCOS.
Also, my doc does everything - from monitoring to retrieval to transfer. He answers emails on vacation. (I've never emailed him on vacation, but I've heard he does do this.) You are also assigned a nurse that stays with you the entire treatment cycle and beyond. And they always call me ASAP to answer any trite and silly question I have. I thought these things were the norm, but at the big fancy clinic, it is not. You rotate through the nurses and doctors, and I do NOT like the thought of that. So . . . yeah.

I am on day 17 of a ???? cycle, I don't think I've even ovulated yet. I saw some weird EWCM-esque stuff for a couple of days, but who knows what that means. For me, it doesn't mean a lot. So, I am calling next week to get it all going.

Holy crap!

We are really going to do this thing.

P.S. I finally used spellcheck. Hooray for me!

P.P.S. C, I have two more weeks with the little buggers. I am actually going to miss them! This happens every year. By Feb/March, I am pulling my hair out and I cannot WAIT for the summer, and then May gets here, and I realize I am going to miss them. I am probably going to cry the last day of school or something silly like that.

random musings

2007-05-02T19:59:00.000-04:00

There is no coherency to this post, just felt like writing.

1. I talked to my IUI nurse today, well, actually, she left a message. There is a protocol in place, but nothing can get going until I have a pap smear and repeat labs for me and D. I know WHY, but I'm already overextended right now and I just don't feel like going through all the tests again. But seriously, it's making me get pap smears about once a year, which is good.

2. One of my best friends just told me she's pregnant. 13 weeks, and they've heard the heartbeat and things look good. Of course, I am sad and happy at the same time, to which I know we are all familiar. Especially since she's had two previous mc's before this, which is why she waited so long to tell me. I responded with a trillion questions of course, because I like all the details, and she wrote back that she was so relieved I was happy for her. That made me really, really sad, that it even was something she was worried about. It's the happiest she's been in a very very long time, and yet my infertility was a source of sadness for her. The only thing I could think to muster was as flat and shallow as a "Sorry, man."; so I decided to repeat how happy I am for her and her husband. Can't go wrong there, I guess.

3. It's nearing the end of the school year, and I don't remember ever being so ready for the summer. No, not because I will lounge about in La P.erla all day, being fed grapes and having angels brush my silken hair, as all teachers are wont to do in our summers, but because I can focus on my health regimen. Of what this means exactly I do not know, but it sounds really good. Health regimen. As in, do not mess with me and my health regimen.

4. D and I have finally reached a really wonderful place in our relationship, so if you really love each other, it can work. I hate to get all Pollyanna on your asses, but I believe it to be true. I was thinking on the way to work today about everything that has happened since we got married, and no wonder. It's a whole mess of stuff. I will share this later when I stop being so paranoid about who will read this on the internet, or perhaps more specifically, when I stop being so paranoid about getting real. Thanks Dr. Phil, I know I have a problem "getting real". I am still not really sure what this means, but I do know after several glasses of a nice Pinot Noir, I can spill all the details of my emotional issues like . . . {insert the simile of your choice here from the options below}

a. cool water spilling forth freely from a clear crystal carafe
b. an boisterous, wriggling puppy breaking from your embrace to lick you silly
c. slippery, shiny intestines spilling out of a carcass

That last one just would not leave my head. Maybe too much late night Animal.Planet, maybe a little subconscious action. Wonder what that means about the way I view my emotions. Messy? Check. Rather not see it? Check. Totally want to avoid the experience all together? Check.

So, what about some of you? Are you iffy about giving emotional details or are you comfortable delving into your psyches?

wanna talk about it?

2007-04-29T12:57:00.000-04:00

How weird is it to have an infertility blog and yet NOT want to write about your own infertility? So, there is much I have not been sharing due to my inability to write about it - I am not sure of why, but I am certain that it probably isn't a good reason.

Dr. E ran a panel of clotting disorders (because I asked, and I asked specifically for a thrombophilia panel) and it all came back normal. I am not sure what exactly I was tested for, but he seemed to think there was no reason to suspect I had a problem here. Which makes me wonder what all was tested, and when they called with the results, I was in the middle of class, so I could not exactly get the specifics. Yet another reason i am getting a second opinion - I've had two mc's, and yes, my eggs totally suck it which is probably the whole issue. Call me high matenance, but I would like some reassurance before jumping into IVF with PGD I don't have yet another problem.

Speaking of the problem of not talking while at work, do any of your nurses/drs email you results? This would be a huge bonus to me. It would save so much hassle. They probably don't, citing HIPPA or something.

We've also decided to give a medicated IUI one more try this summer. We've technically only done two, and I got pregnant one of those two times, so it seems like a good idea to try it ONE MORE TIME. We are going to go ahead with Dr. E since we've been with him for two years now, and get the second opinions on IVF this summer as well. I am pretty sure I want to go elsewhere for that. Especially now after seeing the group does not have any data on the CDC website for the last year. Even when they did, the success rates were not spectacular - I know you aren't supposed to use these as comparisons, but . . . doesn't everyone do that anyway?

It looks like we will be doing the IUI next cycle after this one, which will be the 4th cycle after the mc. Seems like good timing.

Why not, right?

ohmygodijustate3avocados and I've been tagged

2007-04-23T17:33:00.000-04:00

Three is a lot, but i should explain they were mashed up with lime juice and salt - i think some people call it "guacamole" - and eaten with roughly half a bag of tortilla chips. They were organic blue corn, so it's ok.

What is good about this:
1. avocados are high in good fat
2. it is totally delicious
3. i am no longer craving avocados, lime juice, salt and chips

What is bad about this:
1. avocados are high in fat
2. i ate all the ones i bought so now i have to go back to the store
3. now i am craving something sweet

In other news, this past weekend I set up a nature area in our yard. I know that sounds really lame, even as i type it, it does not get any cooler. But, I like the birds chirping happily in the morning so in order to attract more i put out two feeders and a bath. So there is currently like 20 pounds of bird feed in the back yard, because squirrel proof feeders come in Sam's Club sizes and i needed two to balance out the thing I got to hang them from. i also have a finch feeder and a bird bath.

Ah, the concrete bird bath . . . yeah. That was fun in the broiling heat yesterday trying to get it out of the home depot. As i was standing in line, roasting in the heat, a metformin attack hit me. It may be because I ate a quarter pounder with cheese a few hours earlier, but no fries! Yea for me on that one, thought I'd outsmarted the whole metformin issue. No luck. If you take metformin, you know the panic this induces. Do I leave the line and try to find the restroom with a ridiculously heavy concrete bird bath on my cart? I look inside to see a wall of people. How can I navigate the masses with the cart I can barely push? Do I hope this is just a false alarm? Do I pray and hope I make it home? My eyes darted, looking for a quick get away, but there isn't one. I wanted to scream "Hurry the fuck UP, people! Really, you will regret it if you don't!" but I didn't. This is a tricky game. As my sweating exponentially increased and my heart raced with dread, I remembered I was only wearing workout shorts because I forgot to run the load of laundry with panties. Now, you know enough to truly embarrass me. Yes, I was about to have what can only be described as a butt explosion in the middle of the home depot garden area and I wasn't even wearing any damned panties.

I decided what will be will be, and I am NOT leaving this line, and I AM getting this freaking bird bath into my car, butt explosion or not. It is really too bad metformin doesn't even work for me, and when I mention it to my RE, he says I should be on it anyway. I would be willing to bet if he had to take it, things might just be a little different. Did I tell you I am getting a second opinion? Mainly for this reason. I do not want to take the met anymore.

Everything worked out fine, in case you are still reading this. If you are, bless you.

*******************

Thank you, reality, for the tag. I am pretty sure some of these people have been already, I am doing it again.

Jess at The Problem with Hope (pwp): A couple of years ago, I found her blog doing a search for something IF related. I didn't even know IF blogs existed. I read her whole blog from the beginning. She blows away any stereotypes you have of early 20 somethings, both on the IF front and in other ways as well. Currently, she's expecting from her second IVF (it's v. v. early) AND she and her husband are in the process of adopting a little girl! Oh my. This should make for an interesting blog! For someone who has waited and prayed as long as Jess, it seems as if it's all coming true at once for her.

C at Theoneliner: A shout out to a fellow ATL'er. I love her writing style, and she is so very open about the mental struggles that go along with the IF struggle. She is hilarious, (i guess hence the name theoneliner) and hers was the second or third blog I lurked on regularly before coming out. And, I have her to thank for those of you that read, because she put me out there in support right away. Thanks man!

decemberbaby at "Of Course You'll Get Pregnant!": I identified with her right away because she had just miscarried as well, and she writes about her home improvement projects, which I also love. She seems like someone I would just be friends with anyway irl, and would just happen to have IF in common just because. Isn't it funny how you can tell that about someone just by reading? On second thought, maybe it's not.

Anns at "A Brief History of 'You'": Her determination to get pg after a 10 week miscarriage was what got me reading in the beginning. At the end of each cycle, I kept checking in . . .and then success a few weeks ago. But now, things aren't looking too good. Much the same as my early ultrasound, so I remember that devastation all to well. She needs everyone's support right now.

bumble at "Me the Bumblebee": I just love the way she writes. And, she is young like me, and has a lot of difficulty getting here, and we can all identify with that. She writes about her husband's view on things and how hard that is on her, and it is palpable how much she wants all of this to just be over - her latest post is especially heartbreaking. I always keep going back to her quote "Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway."
Doesn't that just say it all?

Warning: I am about to sound like a giant bitch.

2007-04-15T13:57:00.000-04:00

So, if you don't like hearing bitchy musings, stop reading now. I just read a post over at Carrie's blog about her husband's response to IVF. Now, I do want to say D has been great for the most part, most of the time. To say infertility puts stress on your relationship is the understatement of the century. So, this isn't a complaint about him as it is a ranting diatribe on how hard treatments are on a woman's body. That's something I don't see talked about often, or maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.

Let's think about this. We are told by a doctor in a very clinical, cold and impersonal setting (sometimes whilst on our backs with our legs spread, business open to the world) that the only way to biological children will be administering sythetic horomones to ourselves whose safety is yet unproven. This is usually because there is something wrong with our reproductive systems anyway - things that already put us at a greater risk for cancer (endo and pcos). So to me, adding synthetic horomones to the mix is like adding fuel to the fire, right? Well, my RE assures me, no, this is not true. I remain hesitant at best. It's not his body after all - really - what does he care if I end up with cancer later in life? He won't know know unless I tell him, assuming he's still around.

Then, if the treatment is IVF, we continue this regimen of horomones for several days, during which our lives are completely disrupted by attending countless monitoring appointments, always scheduled at some ludicrously early hour of the morning so we may make it to work relatively on time, blood draws, and trying to take update calls at work in the afternoons. During this, we are bloated, tired, anxious, on edge, emotional, as our estrogen levels are pushed to some out of control limits. That can't be good. Oh, what's that? You exercise to relieve stress? Well, you can forget about that too. All of this while we still at least attempt to continue working, maintaining the house, attending to the needs of friends and family, and nuturing the marriage. Becuase if you're like me, getting the "It's a Woman's Job" manual at the onset of puberty, all of these things, are, in fact, a Woman's Job. Even if she is sick. Even if she is tired. Even if she is having a nervous breakdown. Even if.

If after all of this you are lucky enough to produce a good number of eggs, then it's time for the Retrieval. During this lovely procedure, a long needle is inserted through your cervix, into your uterus, where a hole is punctured in the uterine wall so they may aspirate the follicles sitting atop your ovaries to retrieve your eggs. Don't worry, you will be asleep. Hopefully, this will happen over the weekend, so you won't be missing any work. But don't count on it. You have no control, you are at the mercy of your reproductive organs that have betrayed you many times before. Not reliable. So plan on missing a couple of days.

After all of this, you hope for some mature eggs. Some that will fertilize. With ICSI? Without ICSI? You may or may not know. What is your husband's one contribution? Jacking off in a cup. Yep. That's right. You've put your body through hell, your life has been turned upside down, and your husband has to masturbate. Have an orgasm.* Something you haven't been able to do, and won't be able to do for at least 2 more weeks if not several more months. If you are "lucky".

Now, you are ready for the Big Day. The Transfer. It's not too bad, really, the transfer. You are filled with hope as the tiny blastocysts are placed inside. You think, maybe this is it. Or if you're like me, This better damn well be it. Now, you are the lucky recepient of PIO in your ass for the next two weeks, and maybe longer if you're pregnant. I hope you like painful bruising.
Oh, and it has to be administered 2x a day, so make sure you can work it out with your schedule.

Finally the wait is up. Are you or aren't you? Either prospect seems equally terrifying, and you may be wondering what the hell you just did to yourself. Are you REALLY ready for this, be it another round of IVF or a pregnancy? If you are pregnant, how many are in there? Will it/they make it? Will you make it?

And then, some well meaning, albeit completely emotionally stupid soul asks, "why don't you just adopt?"

*I know it's hard on men too. I get that they are torn emotionally between wanting to "fix it" and being supportive and detatching themselves from time to time because it's just too damn painful. I know that masturbating in a doctor's office while looking at well used porn is far from ideal. This is just me being well, just annoyed/pissed off/downright angry with how one sided fertility treatments tend to be. And I'm not man bashing here. I like them fine.

So, I heard you're trying to get pregnant

2007-04-13T22:11:00.000-04:00

The tech support person was in my room this week to fix my computer. As she was working, we were making small talk, gossip and stuff. Then, out of the clear blue, she says "I heard you're trying to get pregnant."

Well, I thought over my options as to how to answer this question as quickly as one can in 5-10 seconds. As far as I can tell, someone has placed an update of my past and current reproductive history somewhere in the building. Because at least a couple of times a month, a relative stranger brings the subject up, usually when I'm least expecting it.

So, I thought, what the hell. Why not just fill her in. So I did to some degree, how long we'd been trying, that there was a lot wrong, I'd had two miscarriages, one very early and the other at 8 weeks. She is a nice person and all, so really, why not just be open with it all, apparently since it's being discussed in a meeting or something that I'm not privy to. I mean, let me just end the speculation for everyone. It's the least I can do, right?

She told me to take vacation to the Caymans, because that's what a friend of her cousin's did, and she got pregnant with twins. Duh. Why haven't we tried THAT?
It's ok. She means well. And I do like her.

Which got me thinking about the strange upside to a tragic experience.

People have been very nice and accomodating ever since I came back to work after the mc. Sending me "thank you" and "Great job" emails, taking extra time to help me out with stuff - even when I really don't need it - I don't know, I am certainly not talking about it. But I guess other people are or something.

It's not like I'm some fragile piece of china or anything. And I'm really not sure how to feel about it - be glad for the kindness of others or wonder what the hell kept them from being so nice before the mc?

I think I will just be glad.

real, live and in person

2007-04-05T15:08:00.000-04:00

I met theoneliner for lunch today. It was fun and we had a good time talking about, what else, our infertility. Ha! Shocking, right?
And, her hair was washed and she had makeup on not one eye, but two. :) Well done, c.

Anyway, it was funny because we both ordered basically the same thing, a vegetable plate, except she got waldorf salad and i got green beans. Oh man, the fried green tomatoes were soooo good. Yum.

We will have to commiserate over a delicious plate of fried vegetables soon, 'cause it was good times.

funny . . . . or creepy?

2007-04-03T09:26:00.000-04:00

I was reading on a blog, and I think it was Reproductive Jeans, and there were comments about making tshirts for infertility. They were pretty hilarious, so if you haven't already, go check them out. Anyway, Baby Blues posted a link to this website that has ttc shirts:

http://www.cafepress.com/buy/trying+to+conceive/-/go_1

So, I am just going to say . . . funny or creepy??

There is several towards the back that say something along the lines of "Say no to drugs, mom"
and then below in tiny print "I want a natural childbirth so as not to harm my baby". Is the mom in a coma? Can she not say this herself? And, just asking, WHY would you put this on a shirt?
Disclaimer:
I am all for the idea of natural childbirth and if I can get to that point one day, maybe I will do it.
I also don't have anything against epidurals.

I don't know. It just seemed a little bizzaro world to me - especially the one that just said IVF in giant blue letters.

The ones people came up with on Reproductive Jeans were, well, much, much better. Hmph! There's a thought . . .infertility tshirts dreamed up by people who are *actually* infertile!

Opinions?

So, why don't you just DO IVF, already??

2007-04-02T17:41:00.000-04:00

Jess at The Problem with Hope just wrote a very similar post, and she's done it - more than once I might add. Props to you, Jess, I am still too chicken to pull out the big guns.

Man, am I sick of this question. Friends mean well, sure, but they have no idea what IVF is all about. The other day, I really great and very well meaning friend of mine asked me this. She said, "you know, it is probably your best shot." True, she is right. It is our best shot.

But is it our only shot?

Hmm. Of course, no one, including our Dr. E, can tell us the answer to this question.

We met with him today, and as expected, he recommended IVF with PGD given my two previous losses, one conclusively because of chromosomal abnormalities. He thinks the first, an early chemical, was also abnormal. So to be on the safe and proactive side, he recommended the PGD. He also recommended a microdose flare protocol since I respond like a stoned slacker to stims. He does not know why a early 30's PCOS patient would respond this way, but it is what it is.

I am still.not.ready.to.do.IVF.

There are just too many "what if we'd trieds" that I can't ignore. You know, along the lines of "What if we tried going to see the Infertility Goddess in the mountains of Peru. I heard her success rates for live birth are phenomenally high."
So, I talked to D about it last night, and he is fine with waiting a little longer. When I told Dr. E I still wasn't ready (I told him this a year ago at our last IVF consult) he kind of smiled a little and said "ok."

I think well, we did do it on our own, and yes, it wasn't a success obviously, but . . . the "it only takes one good egg" keeps playing around in my brain. Just one. One little ball of genetic material smaller than a period at the end of this sentence. Hmmm. It is unreal the amount of energy I expend daily thinking about something so small.

So what to do? I don't know. I know I'm not ready to do any fertility treatments of any kind. I am ready to relax and enjoy the spring and summer months, working in the yard and taking my dog to the park and remembering what things were like in our marriage cue the music Before Trying to Get Pregnant.

Ah, those days. Spontaneous sex in the kitchen we did clean the counter, don't worry germ phobes, staying out late with friends, just in love and not concerned about the future in the least, because we are young, and therefore entitled to a carefree existence. Right? I do believe we all are. So I am taking that and running with it for awhile, and when I am ready to obsessively worry about things out of my control, I will return to the IVF/ART idea again.

So, we will see what happens and how successful I am at this. I am curious to see myself.

it happened in t.arget

2007-03-31T06:51:00.000-04:00

When I came across the first ultrasound picture a few days ago, in the back of a drawer in the kitchen, I asked D what he wanted to do with it. "Throw it away?", I said, to which he replied without hesitation, "Yes." And so I did, without much thought or contemplation.

When I realized on Monday I would've been through the uncertainty of the first trimester, and into the safety of the second (hey, I can still be optomistic right?), I wasn't really sad or upset, just . . . .nothing. It was weird.

When earlier this week, when I realized a close friend, who is due in June, invited us out to her new house that will be finished in November, I thought that I would'nt have a baby with me too, and we couldn't talk about lack of sleep or chapped nipples (not that I would talk about that anyway, at least not until I'd had some drinks), or onesies, or boppies, or Baby Einstein videos. Actually, we would never talk about all of that anyway, because neither one of us, despite loving them, are all baby people. We would probably talk about work and our crazy families. Not there is anything WRONG with that, mind you, just saying what we would do.

I was in T.arget yesterday, returning some stuff and buying more stuff, which is what I tend to do whenever I go there. And I walked by a display of baby girl Easter dresses. There was one. It was pink and green gingham, with the big white collar, and with little bunnies hopping sweetly along the hem. With matching bloomers.

And I stood there and stared at it. And it was then that I realized, realized emotionally, that our sweet baby girl was dead. And she would never wear that dress.

And, I STILL did not cry. I got a sick feeling in my stomach, I got a fuzzy feeling in my brain. But STILL I didn't cry.

I went and looked at shoes. But I didn't buy any.

I thought about going back and buying the dress. But I didn't.

When I was telling D about it, as we were lying in bed last night, and he was looking at me in the way he does when he wants to make the pain go away, I started to cry. And I cried and cried. It was an ugly, all out snotty cry.

And it felt good to know I miss her, really miss her. Miss who she was going to be, the tantrums she was going to throw, showing her how to plant flowers and vegetables, which birds eat the finch food in the backyard, what ants are good and which are bad, how to pet the cat, how not to pull the dogs ears, where worms live and how to make brownies. And watch her learn everything for the first time, with all the complete fascination and wonderment children have.

"Really, mama, worms live in the dirt? What do they eat? Do worms have a mama and a daddy and brothers and sisters too? When do they sleep? Where do they go to the bathroom?"

I can say now that I am finally dealing with it, and that it is ok to miss her.

Bye sweet girl.

well, what did you do today, tipsymarie?

2007-03-29T20:06:00.000-04:00

A whole bunch of of nothing, thanks for asking. Not really nothing, just nothing productive. Which is wholly inexcusable, since I've been up since 6:45 and it is now 8:00. Yep.

I did obsessively google "weird period after D&C", "period stopping and then starting after miscarriage", "first menstruation after D&C", and on and on. My period is playing a fun game of peek-a-boo. It started Saturday night with some super weird dark brown discharge, which has happened before, then turned our girl red and was steady going until Monday when it just stopped inexplicably and from then until today, barely some staining here and there. Then today, Ms. Red reappeared for like, 5 minutes or something. Actually, before Saturday, I'd been spotting off and on for about a week. All normal probably, but I am tired of leaking. Enough already.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, do you think I should ask my Dr. what's going on? Let's take a brief moment to look into that possibility:

Me: Well, I'm not sure if this is normal or not but . . . (insert above paragraph detailing the leakage).
Him: Uh-huh. Yes, that could be normal for someone who's menstrual cycle was irregular before her pregnancy.
Me: Ok. When you say could, as in the "Could be normal", could it also NOT be normal, and in the event that it is, in fact, not normal, what can be done about it? Also, when should I expect this to stop so I can get back to my sexin' ways? Because this is putting a major damper on that.
Him: There is no way to tell when and if it will change.
Me: So, if YOU were leaking blood from your penis, and YOU had to walk around wondering about this all the time, wondering if it was normal, keeping you from feeling like yourself because it was a constant and continual reminder of your dysfunctional reproductive system and the baby you just lost, THAT'S what you would say?
Him: I have to go speak at a conference on the effects of bedside manner and the psychoemotional state of chronically infertile women. Can I use you as a case study?

I think that is why many of us google like little google freak heads. Just saying.

yes, pictures can be quite helpful to express the obvious

2007-03-29T09:18:00.000-04:00

Seriously. After reading this and getting all pissed off, I did have quite the chuckle at the picture towards the end of the article. That really says it all, doesn't it?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17838128/

Maybe they also need easy to understand diagrams that can:
1. show condom application
2. daily ingestion of birth control pills
3. not having sex

My conscience just put in its two cents as I was typing. And I thought she could be a victim of something horrible, like incest or another form of rape. In that case, I am sorry, girl/woman who abandoned your babies. Maybe you really didn't have any other choice. Maybe you are ridiculously young and scared and didn't know what else to do.

But in case that's NOT what happened to you, the above (#1-3) still apply.

code red

2007-03-27T18:15:00.000-04:00

I was a complete and total raging freak last week. It was really out of control.
Between yelling, sulking, whining and complaining, I cried at the following:
1. traffic
2. the lack of matching/coordinating plants I wanted to purchase for the yard at Low.e's
3. the empty peanut butter jar
4. wrinkles in my clothes
5. the pet food disaster that's been on the news
6. various commericals
7. nothing at all.

I really thought I was experiencing some kind of post trauma from the miscarriage or something. It was exactly 4 weeks ago last Wednesday, so that made sense. And then, I was like no, everyone else in my life lives to irritate me. And that seemed just a little irrational. So maybe that was wrong too. Basically, I was about ready to go to the doctor and beg for some X.anax.

And then . . .

My period started. It had been so long since I'd had PMS mood issues like that I'd literally *forgotten* how bad and uncontrollable my moods are. It is really, really bad. I spent all day Sunday apologizing to my husband. He was as always kind and took it as in stride as much as someone who has never had PMS can.

I was thinking of all the nicknames we use for our periods. Aunt Flo, the monthly visitor, surfing the crimson tide, you know the others. But I bet you didn't know just how MANY names it has. What's that? You would like a link to the website that has all of them? You have time to spend reading about this? Because well, I did. Yep. Sure did. I will warn you, some of them are quite bizarre.

http://www.mum.org/words.html

does anyone . . .

2007-03-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

know jess's email address at the problem with hope? I read her blog regularly and now it's pwp.

what the friggin frick??

2007-03-22T21:59:00.000-04:00

Hi, and welcome to this week's installment of "What the Friggin' Frick". Enjoy, and as always thanks for playing!

1. My husband (I still have not come up with a cute bloggy name yet, maybe soon) and I had a argument this weekend. I should say we argue a lot, but we love each other more. It makes for quite the conundrum. If anyone wanted to make a reality show of our marriage, it would be called any variations of the following:
a. When Total Opposites Marry Each Other: A Case Study in Insanity
b. Why Do You Make Me Constantly Bang My Head Against the Wall, both Literally and Figuratively?
c. Understanding your Partner Through Ill Understood Body Cues: How to Avoid Using Actual Words in a Converstation
d. Wait! I Love You! Wait! You Drive Me Completely Crazy!

Anyway, I think you get the picture. We are totally different, and I wonder how it will work once we have kids. Actually, I can't even think that far ahead.

Let me set the stage: He went and spent close to $200 on himself last weekend, running gear. He's an avid runner. I said not a word about this, because it's none of my business. We're adults, both gainfully employed, and I just don't think I should tell him how to spend our money. This is not a two way street. I mentioned that I MIGHT go and buy myself either this C.oach bag I've been wanting, OR (and that or is important) a pair of jeans roughly the same cost. And then, the comments began. "You know, Tipsymarie, we have credit card debt, and don't you think we should pay that off first?" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) UM, OK, SUUUURRRRREEEEE.

I stewed about this all day, and it eventually erupted into not exactly an argument as much as me saying "We've been married for 4 years, together for 7. Please respect my judgment an understand since I'm IN MY 30s, work VERY hard, that when I want to OCCASIONALLY buy myself something nice, keep your comments to yourself please." Ok, I didn't say please. And it was an argument, complete with looking at past credit card statements at 2 in the morning to see just WHO spent WHAT.

Guess what? We both spend a lot of money on random stuff. Glad we got that one cleared up.

2. Cat pee. Turns out my cat, my sweet sweet baby, has been urinating not on the carpet, but on the inside of the desk my husband built from scratch. So, we had to get rid of it. I felt terrible for him - he spent forever on that desk, and it was really nice. But, my cat has always resented him from the moment he moved in with me. My cat would drag my husband's boxers and socks into his litter box and pee all over them in the beginning. So, I guess all these years later, he's still holding that grudge.

3. Why the hell am I spotting 4 weeks after my d&c? And actually exactly a week ago for two days too. And as of this tuesday, my beta was 7.

Dear horomones and associated dysfuntional parts, oh what the hell, my whole endocrine system:
Please stop being little bitches and do what you are supposed to. Stop making me call the nurse and ask her these questions, having to take her calls at work when I can't really talk anyway. Also, she is tired of me calling. So knock it the fuck off.
Oh, and, hey. One last thing. Making a DECENT FUCKING EGG. Yeah. I'm not asking nicely anymore. Because your performace thus far has sucked hard.
Thank you,
Tipsymarie

How cool would that be if it worked, right?

4. Man, work is pissing me off. But not the kids. Sure, they are frustrating, but they are kids so they have an excuse. No, it's the adults who act like kids with their stupid petty pettiness. Please people. Enough.

5. We have a consulation appointment with our RE next week. If his normal bedside manner is what he's bringing to the table, after all the crap we've gone through there the last 2 years, then we are taking my inches thick file elsewhere. This was not an easy decision to reach, you see, because he's written many books on my condition and actually answers questions on internet forums, which is how I found him in the first place. So, if HE can't help us, who can, right? But then I realized maybe he's not really what we need. Just because he's Dr. Expert doesn't mean he will be my expert. Know what I mean?

blogger

2007-03-22T06:11:00.000-04:00

Blogger is being a bitch. I was going to post the weekly "what the . . . . " last night, but it was supremely unsuccessful. I just KNOW some of you are dying with the suspense. I will get with it after work.

Please go visit Nicole and Serenity. They need you now.

so, work out or blog?

2007-03-17T11:15:00.000-04:00

So obviously I chose to blog. I hate going into my dark, icky basement to get on the treadmill. I call it Cat Pee Cave. This is for two reasons:

1. the litter box is down there
2. my cat does not regularly use the litter box, instead deciding to pee under the desk which is directly behind the treadmill. Yes, I know this is really gross. There's not much I can do, although I've thought of spreading dog hair under the desk. You know, because cats hate dogs? That's pretty nasty too. So I don't know. Whatever.

I worry that I'm doing some kind of permanent damage to my lungs inhaling the fumes.

But really, it's not that bad. I just use it more of an excuse to not go down there and run, I much prefer to go outside, but right now, due to lovely metformin, not so much an option. I'm not much of a woods squatter. Eeew.

The Metformin induced sprinting has subsided a little bit. I stopped taking anything else (like prenatals and calcium supplements) yesterday thinking maybe it was all just a little too much for Mr. Tummy. I don't know why, but I always think of my stomach and associated parts in the system as male.

I fantasize about the day when I can stop taking it AND have a healthy baby. I honestly cannot imagine what it must be like to just get pregnant because you want to, without having to endure metformin, miscarriages, belly shots, butt shots, dildocams, disconnected Drs. (what? maybe my RE? oh? did I just say that out loud? darn.), thousands of $$ gone, early ass morning appointments that you rush to because you don't want to be late for work, every other FREAKING day for weeks on end, blood draws and the associated bruising, (i LIKE wearing short sleeves in July, thank you very much), yes, you could say I'm at the end of my rope, two years in to this mess. And, if one more well intentioned person asks me "Now, WHY don't you want to do IVF? That seems like your best shot." Right, because it's a guaranteed healthy baby at the end.

Wow! I guess I'm a little more frustrated than I realized. And to think I woke up in a fine mood this morning. But, I do feel better. Now down to Cat Pee Cave.

urgh, metformin

2007-03-15T19:32:00.000-04:00

Well, I am not pregnant, nor about to ovulate. There is still hcg floating around, the number was 25 on Tuesday, 3 weeks after the D&C. Really. Any day now, hcg. Hey. I am talking to you. Get out of my body please, pretty please. I'm kind of over this already.

In other news, I've been on 1000 mg of Metformin for, well, forever. And as I read other blogs I notice most are on 1500 or 1700 a day. So I asked my nurse, and she was shocked I wasn't on the 1700 a day. What? No one, in ALL of my countless trips to the dr, has ANYONE said ANYTHING about this. This might have to be part of next week's What the Friggin' Frick.

So, I started this increase day before yesterday, and OH MY GOD. The gastrointestinal upset has been, erm, totally disguisting and most unwarranted. I don't remember this at all when I first started on the 1000 mg, but my husband said he remembered me going on and on about it. I probably did. I am like 80 years old talking to my husband about my bowel habits, but it is reciprocated. We're cool like that, if you can call that cool.

So I am going to brave this for a little while longer, and if it doesn't improve, then I am not going ot torture myself any further. And, it doesn't seem to matter what I eat, because it's a lot of rice and bread and such right now. I haven't been able to eat quite a few things high in fat since I started on this completely ineffective drugs a couple of years ago. But, maybe the 1700 a day will make a difference - right? Yes, right.

what the friggin' frick?

2007-03-12T18:01:00.000-04:00

I hope to make the "what the friggin' frick" a weekly installment. A list of incomprehensible things both from my personal life, other people's business and the news.

1. I've been craving tuna fish salad like crazy. Which I normally hate. With extra onions. Which as I type this sounds just nasty, but I did just eat a whole mess of it.
So, I've figured out the possible reasons for this, due to ALL the extra time I have on my hands lately. Not really, but it is hard to get sarcasm across on the interweb. Maybe I should use more italics, bolding, and other such techniques.
Possibility A: I am pregnant roughly 3 weeks after my D&C, without a detectable ovulation, not that much sex, but we all know that you are SO much more fertile after a D&C. I mean, the sperm practically dance up your hooha, knock on your ovaries, take out the egg for a whirl in a shiny new red convertible, and viola! make a nest in your newly vacuumed and shampooed ute. It says so on all those infertility blogs. Maybe it's boy/girl twins. But I guess they are done for since I am slowly killing them with mercury.
Possiblity B: I am about to ovulate. I read a study linking increased estrogen to increased craving of tuna fish. Hey now, I bet if you asked the google oracle in just the right way, that study exists somewhere on the internet.
Possibilty C: Erm, I am crazy? Yes, this is certainly the most likely of the three. Tuna fish with extra onion? Yep, something weird is going on somewhere in my brain.**

2. In the news, a baby was found in a gym bag in the parking lot of a townhome complex. Up near a fence. It was no longer alive. This bothered me more than I thought it would. I just thought about the baby we just lost, and here was a healthy baby boy literally thrown away. I guess he could've been stillborn, and the mother could be a superyoung, superscared teenager. That's about the only way it's forgivable, and even then I'm not sure.

3. It is 80 degrees here today and will be again tomorrow. 14 years ago here, we were about to have a monster blizzard in the atl. That's the south for you.

4. I am thinking of going to a tanning bed. I know, I know. It is totally bad for you. Like, TOTALLY, Mrs. Tipsymarie, as I was informed today by a girl whom I'm quite sure goes year round, with her mother. So she should know. But, I am tired of my translucent paleness. It's like a roadmap of veins on my chest and legs and such. I still can't help but think I'm slowly being cooked, but hey, I will at least have the glow of good health.

5. I am thinking about getting breast implants. Yes, I am quite sure I am crazy. We can't afford it, the thought of two bags of silicone sitting atop my major organs is just plan scary, no matter what Dr. R.obert R.ey says (um, can you really trust any man with super fakey highlights and shiny, brightly colored suits that look cheap but probably cost more than my mortgage? I am going to say no) and for the sheer fact they are fake. But from time to time, I do fantasize about buxom volouptiousness, and it makes implants almost seem like the best idea ever. I do wonder what any plastic surgery wizard could do with my measley 34 barely A's. Thanks Playtex bras, for your nearly A's. It was awesome buying one the other day right after a prepubescent 13 year old picked one up. Yep, totally awesome.

6. I think my recent foray into abject vanity is to reinvent my femininity. Because, we all know fertile women are really, really tan, with really, really, perky full boobs.

the results are in

2007-03-09T17:16:00.000-05:00

The Dr. himself called me yesterday to explain the chromosome analysis - it was abnormal, very much so, and it was a girl.

I don't think I'm dealing with this in a "normal" way - whatever normal means, anyway. I was not attached to this baby, a self protective measure I'm sure. I spent so much time analyzing pregnancy symptoms and obsessing over every twinge I left no time to feel. I'm sure this was no accident. I don't WANT to miss something that was never going to be.

What I'm most upset about is my lost sense of optomism and innocence. If I ever get pregnant again, I do not think I will be able to enjoy it, to feel an instant kinship with my little life at the first hint of a second line. I will count every day as one day closer to when he or she arrives, missing the sweet details of each day of a pregnancy. I will count every kick, hiccup, and feel tense before every ultrasound instead of heady anticipation.

And when the big day finally arrives, I will not relax and know everything will be fine, because everything has not been fine, and I am the exception rather than the rule.

When will it end? Will I stay awake staring, making sure he or she is breathing rhythmically when they're a tiny baby? Will I let them play outside, even when I can't see them every minute, assuming the worst when I can't find them after 45 seconds of hysterical name calling?

I just want to relax, and let it happen, and enjoy the greatest gift we can get. But I can't.

To me, this is the biggest injustice of infertility.

a little numbness? why thank you!

2007-03-03T10:24:00.000-05:00

This week has been pretty good. Loads of workplace drama to keep me more than occupied. That is addictive, for sure. Oh yeah, and then actually working in between gossipping. And I went out and got drunk last night, I forgot how much fun that can be. And since I haven't had a drink in awhile and take metformin, I was paying for it at 3 this morning. But it was worth it.

Yesterday, I went in for a blood draw to make sure my hcg is dropping adequately. I guess it is? I don't know. Those of you who have experience with this can help me out - it was close to 400 a little over a week since my D&C. When the nurse called she said it was kind of high, and to come back in next Friday. So I guess we will see then. I will probably google myself silly later.

Someone who normally never draws blood did it yesterday. And that is not good. I have very small, thin veins that roll. When someone new does it, they are all "My, your veins are NOT good!" or "In all my years, I've NEVER had such trouble!" Yeah, thanks. I get it. I am a walking dysfunctional bag of DNA who is not bothered at all by your crude, albeit true, remarks.

I digress.

They took it from the vein I have that pops up on the top of my wrist. It happens to sit directly on top of a large bone. And they used a monster needle. It was freaking HUGE. And it hurt like the bejeezus. But at least it was done.

So after I got to work, I was typing and noticed my thumb was numb . . . . ?? And the weirdest part was I did not even care, in fact, I was amused by this. And I thought, hey, I will blog about this tomorrow.

And do you know what else? It was fine a few hours later. No freak out needed.

Laughing again

2007-02-24T11:10:00.000-05:00

I mean, how can you not laugh at this headline?

When fake bull testicles are outlawed, what in God's name is next?

Ok, I fudged it a bit.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17302498/

Hope everyone is doing well and here's to a great weekend!

Crap.

2007-02-23T12:16:00.000-05:00

Well, still doing good physically. But I wasn't prepared for the hormonal fallout. I was planning on going back to work today but I think that would've been a supremely bad idea.

Anyway.

Now, instead of people telling me such gems as "Relax and it will happen" "Drink some wine/robitussin/cyanide" "Go on a vacation - hey, have you heard about that package for infertile couples in the Bahamas? It's supposed to really work!"

I get

"Wow! At least now you know you can GET pregnant - and on your OWN!" And perhaps most unfortunately, the loudest proponents in this sunshine committee are my husband and mother.

Um, yeah. But pregnant with what exactly? I mean, it did stop developing and forced me to go through a D&C. Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to go through this again.

I should explain first that my husband is wonderful and has incredible qualities that I'm so happy to have in a husband.

But.

He has the unnerving ability to look bad news smack in the face and deny the significance of it's existence. For example, this last time my beta numbers were very low but they did double!, he would say excitedly, and then my heart would break just a little more. And then we went in for the first ultrasound and the sac was measuring a week behind dates and the embryo was 2 days behind. And I knew it was only a matter of time. Especially when they moved my due date back 5 freaking days. On the other hand my husband found studies on the internet relating to small sac sizes and fetal demise, and he was sure since the sac to embryo ratio was not great but also not nearly as bad as it could be, we still had a reasonable chance at success. Look! It says here that 75% of sacs of our size with our dates will self correct. And when my pregnancy symptoms would come and go, and were not very strong anyway after the first week, he would say Why do you always have to be so negative, why can't you look on the bright side - the odds are in our favor. And then we would fight, because the last part, the odds are in our favor, well, I just found that to be one of the most incredibly naive things he'd said, maybe ever.

The anxiety of this pregnancy was bad enough, but the anxiety of knowing my husband was about to encounter one of the worst days of his life completely unprepared was infinitely worse.

hmmm, surgery that wasn't too bad, isn't that an oxymoron?

2007-02-21T20:40:00.000-05:00

Well, if it is, then so be it I say. It wasn't bad at all. My doctor actually did the surgery, which I wasn't expecting. So that was nice. He was a little abrasive (ok, a lot) on Monday's ultrasound, but he was a lot more compassionate and kind today. Who knows, maybe he was having a bad day too.

The Good:
1. not a long wait at all
2. the staff was wonderfully polite and attentive
3. booties for my cold feet
4. warmed blankets for my coldness in general
5. wonderful pre op anti anxiety medication. it was lovely.
6. my husband was there and he was great
7. i came out of the anethesia quickly, with no dizziness or nausea
8. didn't have to wait long at all to go home
9. could've walked out of there, but they wheel you.
10. i only had cramping right after, and then they gave me morphine, twice. god bless them.

The Bad:
1. i have freakishly small veins that roll. it's always a crapshoot as to where they will needle me. usually, it is the inside crook of my elbow in the same vein every freakin' time. (that was really fun for every other day blood draws during my stims. but i digress.) anyway, that's what they used today, and it was already bruised, so that hurt pretty good.
2. the waiting room was way crowded, and the seats were too close together. i like my space.
3. there was one tv, and it was the anna nicole smith circus trial. so sad.
4. i had to pee magically after my gown was on and the iv was in my arm and i was hooked up to the bag. that was an interesting sight to behold i'm sure.
5. i wanted mcdonald's in the worst way on the way home, and then we were almost there and i started to feel funny and nauseous. so i didn't get my quarter pounder with cheese and fries.
6. actually, #5 may not count as a bad thing, because no one should ever eat that stuff.

so all in all, it wasn't too bad. if I had a job where I could go in kind of late tomorrow and leave a little early, sit at my desk and stay kind of quiet, I would probably go. But, I don't, so instead I'm going to stay home and eat lunch with my mom. Maybe she will bring me mcdonald's. :)

P.S. Thanks to you all, so so much, for your kindness and compassion. I was surprised at how much I needed this support, and it has made this process so much easier.

Wow.

2007-02-20T22:38:00.001-05:00

First, I have to to thank the oneliner for the shout out. Much appreciated, becuase I actually am admitting I need support.
All of the comments have been more help than you know. For the last year or so, I have been quite the lurker, reading many of your blogs, never really needing or feeling like I had much to write about, but how things do change.

So, it honestly is the strangest feeling, scheduling a time to have someone remove a life that's already died, from you. Sorry, I know that's blunt, but it is an infertility blog, after all - if you can't say it here, then our husbands would have to listen, and well, sometimes quiet is better.

I did go to work today, which was the best thing I could've done. I am a teacher, and of course I didn't tell my kids the news. I just said I'd be out to take care of some things. They were interested, sure, and dare I say even a bit concerned. I don't know, maybe it was my tone, or maybe I was a little too pale today. So for about 2 minutes, they were sweet angels.

And then, it was back to the regular preteen behavior.

Which put it all in perspective. This is a huge deal for us, our close friends and family. But in the big picture, life really does just go on with or without you. And in a strange way, it was comforting to realize the monotony and the predicitability of it all, and if you don't find a way to hang on for the ride, it's going to keep on keepin' on.

more about today

2007-02-19T21:16:00.000-05:00

Not sure if anyone is reading this yet, so if you are, here is what happened today. But to explain that, I have to go back to some time about 6 weeks ago. Or, to be a little too specific, maybe 8.
Anyway.

I got a positive test on a saturday morning. This is a year, almost to the day, of my last (and first) positive test, which happened after the World's Longest Stim, followed by a cancellation, then another stim on quite a bit of drug. It turned out to be a chemical. Followed by another IUI, which was a negative, and we were referred to IVF. We weren't ready. So instead, I decided to go on a break (read: on the pill, off metformin, prenatals, baby aspirin, charting, CM checking, and general daily obsessing). This break was heavenly, normal cycles, predictable periods, only a little spotting here and there.

So, we decided, hey, why not tempt fate? And I stopped pills. No met. First cycle was a wonderous 30 days. But nothing. The next, exactly 7 days longer (which was my pattern before the IUI's. Kind of weird, no?) And then, a positive test. Yeah, I was in shock. I mean, ON OUR OWN? Kind of crazy.

But the inital betas were kind of low, even though they were doubling. So I tried my hardest to remain optomistic. We went in for the first scan, and lo and behold, there was a sac with something inside. And the sac was measuring about a week behind. The baby, fetus, embryo, whatever you call it that early (I prefer baby) was on track. Just the tinest flutter of a heartbeat had begun. My husband was over the moon. He was sure it was going to work.
I, in all my realistic pessimism, was not.

And as much as I love being right, I did not want to be about this. We went today, 2 weeks from the last, and the baby hadn't grown. I think it might have even been a little smaller. The sac was way, way, behind. And no heartbeat.

And so here we are, staring down the monster again. Yuck.

a day of firsts

2007-02-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

Well, this is my first post. It seems fitting, because today I just scheduled my first D&C for Wednesday. I need a place to get it all out, because right now, my husband is upstairs in bed with a migraine, which came on immediately after the ultrasound today. Needless to say, he's had all he can handle. So, here I am . . .