well now that I've started I can't stop

So why didn't I update for almost an entire year? Well. Hmm.
I just felt weird writing about my pregnancy. Which was wholly uneventful and perfectly normal; despite my constant certainty things would not work out.
Once I felt him move - which happened very early - around 15 weeks - I counted movements every single day. Even when at first they didn't happen every day. And the first movements weren't these magical butterfly type movements. They were little taps, kind of like water dripping or something. So I wasn't sure for awhile it was him.
Then I rented a doppler so I could obsessively check for his heartbeat. Sometimes several times a day. I left work during planning more than once to drive home and check it if I felt like he hadn't moved enough that morning. And that happened a lot. He was an infrequent mover. He had days of crazy movement and days where I hardly felt anything all.day.long. Those were very long days.
I spent so much time worrying and fretting that I failed to notice my due date approaching with lightening speed. Maybe I was in a state of denial. As much as I wanted a baby I knew I had NO IDEA what to do with one and that scared me. So not much got done in preparation. Things stayed in boxes and wrapped in gift bags.
At the first of November I was large. But I carried him all in the front so I looked rather comical. One day at work, three women stopped me and asked when are you having that baby?? He is down around your knees!! And my mother, who just two days prior, aptly described me as a "pregnant bowling pin".
I was undeterred - my due date wasn't for three more weeks! I had plenty of time to unpack the quadrillion baby items - most of which I had no idea what they were for - wash and organize his clothes, clean the house and prepare everything for my long term sub. Oh, and pack a hospital bag.
Even though the midwife had checked me for dilation at 36 weeks because I was having this annoying cramping and pressure - it was really annoying - and pronounced me 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced - I still wasn't convinced he would be here before the due date. Even though she said as I was leaving "I'll probably see you before next week!"

Back to the day at work when I was minding my own business. I really had to pee and it was almost time for classes to begin after planning. So I sat down to pee.
And my water broke. Right there at work in the bathroom. How unceremoniously . . . normal.
Of course I freaked. Called my doctor who said get to the hospital NOW.
After quite the ride on the highway - the contractions started 2 min apart - none of this 8 min then 5 then 2 - no, I was in Labor. Transition nonetheless. I was 4 cm and completely effaced when I arrived. I'd been in active labor for a few days and just didn't know.

After a very easy labor and an even easier delivery, he was born about 7 hours later. Perfect and healthy. I remember bits and pieces but my most vivid memory is directly after his birth he was placed on my chest and I just kept repeating "Hi! I am so excited to finally meet you!" He seemed rather nonplussed by all the festivities. He just wanted to nurse immediately and be left alone. In retrospect, I would've fought harder for that time.
Maybe next go around?

oh, apron strings! she spilled the beans.

Yes, he is here. He is healthy and has a very hearty appetite - just like Daddy.
He is fond of:
1. eating
2. crying
3. crying some more
4. the ceiling fan
5. anything outside
6. sleeping on his tummy - I KNOW. Don't tell anyone. He has to, actually. He has an abnormality in his larynx that makes it almost impossible for him to sleep on his back. Which he will eventually outgrow. We have a fancy pants monitor that checks for movement every 15 sec. So I don't have to check to see if he is breathing all the time.
7. the light up butterfly on his play gym
8. smiling and cooing at 3 AM when I want him to pleeeeeasegobacktosleep.
9. grunting
10. riding in the car
11. spitting up
12. hiccuping

This whole baby thing has thrown me for such a loop. I was under the impression they bascially ate and slept and stayed awake a little here and there.
What? did I just hear laughter? Maybe that was my own. Anyway.

Sometimes (well, a lot) he cries and I don't know why although I am thinking it is from being overtired. Turns out he just doesn't fall asleep when he needs to! Revelation.
My anxiety has been ramped up to Level Fifteen. This is out of Ten Levels. I worry about everything. Is he eating enough? Too much? Does he have reflux? Actually, yes! Let's medicate! Oh wait, is it safe to give that to a tiny infant?
And on and on. Gah. I am tired of course, perhaps more from the constant and incessant worrying than the sleep deprivation.

coming to an amusement park near you - the IVF rollercoaster.* UPDATED

What a last few days. I wanted to wait to update until I had a clearer picture of what's going on in there.
Monday (9dt3dt) I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go to the drugstore to pick up my M.etformin and had to go inside to get some lip balm. If I could've gone through the drive thru I think I would've been ok. Of course, I chose to walk down the aisle where things like tampons, pads and - oh yes! those things - are kept. In a haste, I bought a box of generic tests. I thought I could sneak a test once home without D knowing (he is anti testing early) but whaddaya know, he is HOME. At like 5:00. I can count on one hand the times he's been home that early. He saw them in the bag and gave me this disapproving look. Undeterred, I tested.

It was positive almost immediately, and very visible but still light. In the afternoon. 3 days before my beta.



I didn't take one Tuesday.



Wednesday morning, it was darker, but it was in the morning.



Thursday morning, it was maybe slightly darker than Wednesday, but not by much.



My beta on Thursday (12dp3dt) was 257.

My progesterone was "well over 40, and we don't take a measurement over 40", as the doctor said when he called - I mean, WTF? I need to know that number - and my estrodiol was +2,000 which is like insane freakishly high. So, I am down to one estrace tablet a day instead of two and stay on 1cc of PIO a day.

Today, I went in for my repeat beta. It needed to be 514 to double within 48 hours. OF COURSE, in true tipsymarie fashion, it was 492. Just shy of doubling. OF COURSE I was feeling confident and ok with that first number only to get this news today. I know rationally it could still be ok, but I would just like some peace of mind if not for a little while. I go back next week for another beta.

One thing I've already considered is that both implanted and one did not make it, hence the high first beta and would also explain the almost but not quite double for the second beta.

Please, please let this be ok.

*Speaking of an IVF roller coaster, how about the trains shaped like giant sperm? And a cave along part of the tracks shaped like a uterus? Classy, no?

Updated to add:

Sorry to get all whiny titty baby on you all. I realize we are very lucky to have even gotten this far. After flinging myself about in a fit of ridiculous self pity and incessant worry all day long I came to the conclusion that it is very, very early and this is to be expected. Please.let.it.be.ok.

5dp3dt

I feel like a real IVFer with my title.

Only obsessing going on around here these days. I was doing pretty well not obsessing until I went in for a p4/e2 check this morning. My progesterone came back at 32, and they want it above 15. Of course, even though it is fine by my clinic's standards, I am not happy with this number. I found a study talking about p4 on day 14 in IVF cycles and its correlation to a successful pregnancy. It was in the hundreds, like between 350-500 or some other such crazy number. That's in 7 days.
I have read everything google has to offer, and it is mostly conflicting information or information not specific to my current situation. Did you know there are no less than 5 ways progesterone is supplemented in an IVF cycle? Or that some clinics differ on their dosage of progesterone? Yes. It is riveting reading; so much so I spent two hours at work today reading about it. The only thing I have to show for it is a crick in my back from bending over the computer and a headful of relatively useless knowledge about progesterone delivery systems in subfertile women during superovulation induction.
It was like a slipped back to almost 3 years ago - the infertile googling queen. I can quote useless information like nobody's business.
But I digress . . .on to the more entertaining parts of this post:

Symptoms (?) are really nothing that can't be attributed to the PIO, so I'm not getting too excited about them. Although I do have one that is proving to be a joy. My massive bloated abdomen that preceded me entering a room is back. It was certainly an issue the couple of days following the retrieval - it was very uncomfortable and even a little painful - but luckily it started to resolve itself by transfer day. Well, now it's back. I wore a loose fitting dress to work today because I can't get my pants comfortably fastened and I looked about 4 months along. Maybe 5 after lunch. Even my nurse this morning was taken aback - you know you've reached a new level of freakdom when you can surprise a veteran IVF nurse with your bloat.

Monday.

I got the call today that there were none left to freeze which wasn't a surprise. When 9 out of 14 arrest before day 3, it doesn't look too good for freezing.
I am hoping the two that were transferred are strong and hanging on as we speak. Healthy babies have resulted from embryos just like them, so it could certainly still happen for us. It was simply a shock to hear so many didn't make it by Saturday.

Anyway, on to more pressing details.
Today I have twingy ovaries and an achy feeling in my pelvis from time to time. I really noticed it this afternoon during acupuncture and this morning carrying groceries in the house (the twingy ovaries, not so much the achy feeling). I felt kind of conflicted about carrying something slightly heavy but I had to get them in the house. I think leaving chicken in the car on a 70 degree day (that's right, 70 degrees. Jealous? Don't be. It will probably be snowing next week. That's March in the South for you.) is not advisable.
I go back to work tomorrow and while I'm glad I took today off, I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things and put this out of my mind as much as I can until next week. I am excited and scared all at the same time, and despite my best efforts, I am already attached to those little globby bobbly ones.
Remind me at about this time next week I said I would not test early. Because I don't want to be held at the mercy of a pee stick. Right. Remind me.

transfer

Well.
Here are the stats:

26 eggs retrieved on Wednesday.
18 mature.
14 fertilized.
9 arrested before day 3.
2 grade II embryos showing some fragmentation transferred today.
3 are being watched; but I don't hold out much hope. They didn't look too good.

So now we wait.

following dr.'s orders is *usually* advised

I decided that the egg retrieval went so well that following the rest of the instructions for the after parts was unwarranted. "Drink plenty of fluids" and "don't consume many carbs and stick to high protein" did not sound at all like the self rewarding fest I felt was due once home and in the days prior to the transfer. Granted, I was bloated all to hell from the stims and have PCOS so really, that puts me in the 5% category for developing OHS.S but what does that ol' doctor know that I don't? Please. I read the internets*. My body can take some delicious carbs and dairy. Me hungry!
I instructed D to go to the store and purchase avocados, tortilla chips, doritos and american cheese once we were home from the retrieval. You know, mostly healthy stuff.
Turns out the avocados he purchased were not right - either under or overripe - I mean, gawd, I just had surgery, can't he choose a decent avocado??
So instead, I consumed one and a half cheese sandwiches with mayonnaise and mustard and roughly half a bag of doritos. That was lunch.
Dinner was Wendy's.
I know you want to get judgy right now, and if you must, go ahead. Because I would too if I were reading this.
The next morning, I got up and felt all bloaty and abdominally crampy - kind of like being constipated. I thought it was weird but I went to work anyway. I didn't want to sit around the house all day and go stir crazy.
My diet was not much better this day either.
Then came Friday, and oh my. I was soooooo uncomfortable I started to freak out that I had OHS.S. At work I was so snappy that I just stopped talking unless I absolutely had to. I was forced, out of pain and discomfort, to follow the doctor's orders.
Turns out I feel better this morning because I watched what I ate yesterday and drank plenty of water. Yeah. It works.

I've already forgotten to take medication twice. I am so type b about this cycle I can't even tell you. Like too much and not in a good way. Like as in doing it to avoid thinking about what's really happening. I forgot my first dose of estrace the other day; and forgot my antibiotic last night. That's why I am awake at 5 am on a Saturday morning. Because I woke up and remembered I forgot it and that I'd better damn take it because it says so on my lis*t of instructions, which I've also misplaced more than once.

I will leave you with some embarrassing things I said once coming out of anesthesia from the egg retrieval:
1. To the nurses: "You guys are the best. This whole experience was great. I love you." Can I get a prescription for versed?"
2. To D: "This is the best cranberry/grape juice EVER. We need to get some." (this is not that bad, except it's an open room with curtains separating the bed and I don't like strangers to overhear me sounding moronic. right, because that's what's important at the moment.)

*it turns out that reading the medical journals online is in fact not the same as earning a medical degree and doing a residency in obstetrics and gynecology; eventually many years later, specializing in reproductive endocrinology. no. it's really not the same.