wait! i'm not ready!!

I made an appointment with an acupuncturist today, and I am about to cancel it. Why? I am afraid of the unknown. It's really irrational, but it is what it is. It's the same fear that kept me from calling a new RE and making an appointment. That I actually did yesterday, and I am waiting for the new patient coordinator to call me back. I got this doctor's name from a friend of mine who did IVF last year and now has a 9 month old little girl, and she's starting all over again this SEPTEMBER. Nerves of steel this girl has. She said she liked this doc really well, and I trust her judgment. So, we are going, hopefully soon. Ah! Why am I nervous??? We've been at this for 2 years.

I am such a scaredy cat.

some things that might be problems if we ever manage to actually have a baby

1. I don't have that baby holding gene that all women except myself (and A.ngelina J0lie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith) have. I get all stiff and freaked out when someone hands me a baby. I have actually said "no" when someone asks "Do you want to hold _______?"

2. I have NO freaking idea how to button a onesie. What is with all those damn snaps?????? I see zippers in my future.

3. I have only changed a diaper ONCE, and it wasn't messy. And it was roughly one month ago.

4. The idea of breastfeeding scares the hell out of me.


Well, I guess four things is not that bad.

In other news, we are not doing another IUI this summer. We decided just to wait and save our money and sanity for the IVF later this year. And, we are getting second and third opinions this summer. For some reason, this was a difficult decision for me to make. Seems like common sense but it was hard to even admit that maybe other ideas might be out there.

i promise to write a real entry soon, but until then i'm considering myself tagged . . .

I have been so so busy. The last of the school year is my least favorite time. Too many loose ends that all have to be tied up NOW. Urgh. I will write a real post later this weekend.

If you haven't already, please go and congratulate Bumble. Yea!!!!



MEME INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.

1. Life Lemons
2. Thinking Out Loud
3. Are We There Yet?
4. Max's Mommy
5. The Follie Files

Next select five people to tag: Anyone who reads this and wants to do it, consider yourselves tagged.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Living in a college town, partying and rarely going to class. Not a care in the world. Those were the days.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
On a break from TTC, looking forward to the summer.


Five snacks you enjoy:
1. guacamole
2. yogurt
3. potato chips
4. nuts of any kind
5. white cheddar popcorn

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. Wish You Were Here -- Pink Floyd
2. I Can't Wait -- Nu Shooz. In 5th grade, this was my SONG. Skate night lives!
3. Where is my Mind? -- Pixies
4. Waiting for the Bus -- Violent Femmes
5. Just a Friend -- Biz Markie

Five things you would do if you were a millionairebillionaire (A million doesn't buy a lot these days):
1. open an animal rescue farm
2. fix healthcare
3. quit my job (actually, i would still work part time.)
I don't even think I have 5!!

Five bad habits:
1. impulse control
2. drinking (it's hard for me to just have one or two)
3. smoking (no, not anymore but i still think about it regularly.)
4. temper tantrums
5. potty mouth/gossipping

Five things you like doing:
1. driving. I know it's weird. You don't have to tell me. It just always feels good to be going somewhere.
2. sleeping
3. talking. i am a conversation addict.
4. reading
5. taking my dog for walks in the park

Five things you would never wear again:
1. stirrup pants
2. anything with brand logos plastered all over it.
3. black or really dark purple lipstick. what can i say? i was an angst ridden teen in the early 90s.
4. super high platforms
5. fishnets. please see number 3.

Five favorite toys:
Um . . .I don't really have any toys (no, not even one of THOSE), so I will try.
1. BopIt
2. any card games
i think that's it.

so much for taking a break

The urge, the wemustdoitNOWitistherighttime, hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I don't know why. I am no longer scared, worried about what might happen - well, yes, I still am, but not MORE than I want to do it - the big one - IVF.

I spent a lot of time last night on IVF connections Atlanta board reading patient referrals of doctors and clinics in my area. And, it turns out I might be right where I need to be. My clinic is the most affordable (which I know should not be my deciding factor, but I have to admit, the $8,000 difference between mine and the one I was considering is certainly an issue) and the shared risk program at my clinic actually allows for more FET's. Ha! I am assuming we will get that far. Who knows. Additionally, my doc got the following comments:

1. "Blunt, and a little weird, but you never have to wonder if he's sugar coating anything."
2. "Told me straight out how things were - did not get my hopes up unnecessarily."
3. "I went to him after frustration at my old clinic (the one I was considering) because they did not know how to treat my PCOS."
4. "He is a nationally recognized expert on PCOS."
5. "His bedside manner leaves much to be desired, but I don't care as long as I can get pg."

Ok. That last one was mine.

So, maybe I do have it good - I do not like sunshine and rainbows, and I do agree with the comments. And, I've been told he is a trailblazer on the treatment of PCOS.
Also, my doc does everything - from monitoring to retrieval to transfer. He answers emails on vacation. (I've never emailed him on vacation, but I've heard he does do this.) You are also assigned a nurse that stays with you the entire treatment cycle and beyond. And they always call me ASAP to answer any trite and silly question I have. I thought these things were the norm, but at the big fancy clinic, it is not. You rotate through the nurses and doctors, and I do NOT like the thought of that. So . . . yeah.

I am on day 17 of a ???? cycle, I don't think I've even ovulated yet. I saw some weird EWCM-esque stuff for a couple of days, but who knows what that means. For me, it doesn't mean a lot. So, I am calling next week to get it all going.

Holy crap!

We are really going to do this thing.

P.S. I finally used spellcheck. Hooray for me!

P.P.S. C, I have two more weeks with the little buggers. I am actually going to miss them! This happens every year. By Feb/March, I am pulling my hair out and I cannot WAIT for the summer, and then May gets here, and I realize I am going to miss them. I am probably going to cry the last day of school or something silly like that.

random musings

There is no coherency to this post, just felt like writing.

1. I talked to my IUI nurse today, well, actually, she left a message. There is a protocol in place, but nothing can get going until I have a pap smear and repeat labs for me and D. I know WHY, but I'm already overextended right now and I just don't feel like going through all the tests again. But seriously, it's making me get pap smears about once a year, which is good.

2. One of my best friends just told me she's pregnant. 13 weeks, and they've heard the heartbeat and things look good. Of course, I am sad and happy at the same time, to which I know we are all familiar. Especially since she's had two previous mc's before this, which is why she waited so long to tell me. I responded with a trillion questions of course, because I like all the details, and she wrote back that she was so relieved I was happy for her. That made me really, really sad, that it even was something she was worried about. It's the happiest she's been in a very very long time, and yet my infertility was a source of sadness for her. The only thing I could think to muster was as flat and shallow as a "Sorry, man."; so I decided to repeat how happy I am for her and her husband. Can't go wrong there, I guess.

3. It's nearing the end of the school year, and I don't remember ever being so ready for the summer. No, not because I will lounge about in La P.erla all day, being fed grapes and having angels brush my silken hair, as all teachers are wont to do in our summers, but because I can focus on my health regimen. Of what this means exactly I do not know, but it sounds really good. Health regimen. As in, do not mess with me and my health regimen.

4. D and I have finally reached a really wonderful place in our relationship, so if you really love each other, it can work. I hate to get all Pollyanna on your asses, but I believe it to be true. I was thinking on the way to work today about everything that has happened since we got married, and no wonder. It's a whole mess of stuff. I will share this later when I stop being so paranoid about who will read this on the internet, or perhaps more specifically, when I stop being so paranoid about getting real. Thanks Dr. Phil, I know I have a problem "getting real". I am still not really sure what this means, but I do know after several glasses of a nice Pinot Noir, I can spill all the details of my emotional issues like . . . {insert the simile of your choice here from the options below}

a. cool water spilling forth freely from a clear crystal carafe
b. an boisterous, wriggling puppy breaking from your embrace to lick you silly
c. slippery, shiny intestines spilling out of a carcass

That last one just would not leave my head. Maybe too much late night Animal.Planet, maybe a little subconscious action. Wonder what that means about the way I view my emotions. Messy? Check. Rather not see it? Check. Totally want to avoid the experience all together? Check.

So, what about some of you? Are you iffy about giving emotional details or are you comfortable delving into your psyches?