fun with uterine dye

I just got home from my HSG appointment.
Oh what fun.
The tech was really nice but not the sharpest tool in the shed. When she was explaining the procedure, she kept calling the speculum a "spectrum" and told me the radiologist was going to clean off my uterus with Betadine . . . I'm pretty sure she meant my cervix. Then, she shows me the camera they use and then said "Don't worry, we clean it off after every use" (as an aside, did I really need to hear that? Eeeww.) and then proceeded to swing it around and it hit the xray table. Lovely.
Then the radiologist comes in, and has such a thick accent I can't really understand him at first. He didn't want any towels under my pelvis. This turned out to be a very bad idea.
So, he threads the catheter in, and attempts to blow up the balloon and inject the dye . . . no luck. He went through about three catheters and an untold amount of dye. He kept saying "It's getting stuck on something." (??) Basically, the dye was running right out and not lighting up my fallopian tubes.
All of the poking and prodding and jerking on my cervix was pure joy as he tried maneuvers that I think he was making up as he went along.
Finally, he decides maybe the towels under my pelvis was a good idea. He put the balloon waaaayyy up at the top of my uterus and like magic, the fourth try was the charm. The cramping was very uncomfortable, but not too bad. And the best part? Everything is normal. Yay for that.

Boundaries

I don't think I've ever discussed my family on this blog. It's not intentional, it's just that I haven't had very much to say. Since I've become an adult and left the nest, the drama waned significantly.
Before I get into this story, I should tell you that the word "boundary" is not one my mother knows well. She's shared things with me I could've lived my whole life without knowing, and at times when I was a child just would go off the deep end. Apparently, I was a very difficult child to raise. I don't remember trying to be so difficult, so I guess I was a natural cranky and independent filly. It wasn't uncommon for her to just lose it, and say she was leaving and not coming back, and on and on and on.

Kind of uncomfortable, but I realize now she was just having a lot of problems.

So there is a little history there, not uncommon between mothers and daughters. I'm always suspicious of mothers and daughters that are best friends. Really? Your mom? I tell things to my best friend I don't tell anyone else, certainly not my mother. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me and my mom because we weren't BFF. But now I tend to think that's normal, whatever that means. But I digress.

Back when I was in the throes of my clomid challenge test, I was worried that the results would be bad. Really worried. So worried I was occupying my time with anything but thinking about it. One day on the phone, she asked me what was the matter. When I told her what a bad result would mean, she said "Well, I want you to do whatever it is you need to have your children."
Well no shit, lady.
We've been doing just that for quite awhile, and this test might omit that possibility. And even if the results are good, we just wouldn't know if my eggs will work until we go through IVF. Which we of course still have to do. So nothing is off or on the table at this point. Upon hearing this, she replied "Have you thought about using your sister?" "For an egg donor?"
Um . . . .
The answer is yes, we have thought about it and we both agree we do not want to use someone we know. A few of my friends have offered (I know! So nice, but no thanks).
So I said essentially that - yes, but we prefer it to be anonymous. Additionally, my sister is not in good health, and has reproductive issues on top of her other health problems. So even if we wanted to go that route and all parties were willing, I don't think we could.
And so she then launches in to this whole. . . .thing. I'll shorten her points for your reading ease:
1. Genetically, you don't know what you're going to get.
2. Will they look like you?
3. What kind of testing is involved for the donor?
4. What criteria do you use to chose the donor?
5. If you use your sister, it will be in the family. (WTF? I don't know, it just seems like a weird point. Valid I guess, but weird).

Then she said, "I haven't said anything about this to your sister, but I know she would love to do this for you."

So what do I take away from this conversation? That my mother has essentially decided the solution to this problem is to use my sister's eggs, and to pepper me with suggestions and arguments until I agree.
I love my mom, but I wish she would not do things like this. She is probably just trying to help, however misguided this may be. Just trying to help is like, the worst phrase ever created. It is usually uttered after said action became nothing but a dismal failure.

quick update

I didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. When there isn't much going on, I guess I don't have a lot of inspiration to write about gettin' preggs. The rest of my life is not so exciting, so there you go.

My HSG is scheduled for next week, and I am pissed I have to take a day off work. This year is very, very difficult for a lot of reasons, and I don't like to miss any days. It's just that much more for me to do when I return.

I had horrendous PMS the second time in a row - bloating, cramps, extreme bitchiness, food cravings, the works. Followed by a pretty normal period. So I don't know what is up - I kind of find it oddly reassuring. In the past, I had none of these things presumably because my hormones were low. I would just start bleeding whenever. But who knows?

IVF is getting closer . . . . dun dun dun.

I

am

scared.

So where is your degree in therapy again? Oh, that's right! You don't have one!

When I started this blog, I struggled with whether or not to allow anonymous posting. I decided to allow it, mainly so if someone out there wanted to comment without starting a blogger account they could.
Well.
I received this gem of a comment this week on a blog entry from way back. You need to read it before you read her thoughtful and sensitive comment.

I would wonder if you are really being honest with yourself about your emotions. If you are truly happy, then I would wonder if you really cared very much about your own miscarriage. Is it possible that you were ambivalent about pregnancy to begin with and that the loss of the baby didn't really affect you that deeply? While others laud your attitude, I have to say that it raises red flags for me and strikes me as disingenous. Not that everyone who suffers a loss has to turn into a bitter, hateful hag -- not at all! But the complete absence of sorrow in your post leads me to conclude that you probably really ARE happy for her, and that is is because you really weren't too devastated by the loss of your own pregnancy.

I have to wonder - did she bother to read my numerous other posts? I haven't checked, but my guess is she did a google search and somehow landed on this post. In her haste to pass judgment on someone who has suffered a miscarriage, she undoubtedly did not bother to read anything else.
I'm not sure - is it worse that she DID, and still thought that I was a cold uncaring bitch, or she DIDN'T, and thinks that based on about 3 minutes of thinking?
I'm not so much angry with her response as disappointed. It makes me sad to know that someone out there read this and assumed that I didn't care about my baby, one that would've been born this week.
I mean, come ON. Enough already. Really. I'm good.

PS Have I told you guys about my mom's suggestion that I use my sister for an egg donor? And I told her I didn't think that was a good idea? And she said "Why not? I think it's a great idea!" And I said, "No, really. D and I think it just isn't. We've thought about it and if we need to go that route, we prefer it to be anonymous." And she said "Well, at least think about it some more. Your sister would love to do this for you." (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I haven't?
Well, that post is coming soon. I'm working on it.