Wednesday, July 18, 2007

baby showers bring . . . not sadness, jealousy, grief or anger but happiness?! Huh?

I am so boring right now. We aren't really trying to get pg anymore*, just coasting. Actually, it is a load off, and I can focus on other things. Which is nice, I mean, I am so tired of thinking about my eggs/uterus/etc. I am excited to see the new wave of BFP's in the blogosphere, it gives me new hope. Ha ha! Hope. Now THAT'S funny.

Sooo, yeah. The baby shower.

One of my best friends has a baby shower coming up - she is due about two weeks later than I would've been if I hadn't miscarried. Now, you would think that:

1. I would be really sad and jealous just at the mere sight of her, with her cute round tummy. You know, because I would be comparing her with what I should look like had I not lost the baby.

2. Unable to cope with said sadness and jealousy, and not really talking to her.

3. Most def not going to the shower.

Nope. This is where I think I am some sort of infertile freak. I am not jealous. At all. In fact, I am really happy and excited for her. I am looking forward to her shower and helping out. It would've been really cool to be due together - we both got married two weeks apart, so having our babies that way would just be the icing on the cake. And the fact that I would've been pg without IVF or any other ART. You know, the whole pg thing is pretty nice for free.

But other than that, no. I am more than ok with it - I can't wait for the baby to get here.

And this is where it gets really weird. She was talking about how soon the baby would be here, and all the changes they would need to make in the house, how they spend money, when they go out socially, etc. And while she is overjoyed to be a mom, she was honestly freaked out about what was about to happen. And I was relieved it wasn't me. Relieved I wasn't the one sitting there, worrying where to put the baby furniture and how the dog will react and where will we get the money for _______ and on and on and on and on. Relieved.



WHAT?!!!

That's what I said, inside my head. Here I am, trying to get pg for over two years, spent thousands of dollars, two mc's, disappointment after disappointment, and I was relieved I am not the one who is pregnant??!!!!!!

Seriously. What the fuck is that? Have I gotten so far down the hole of IF I've come out the other side into some alternate universe?

*Not NOT trying. Just continuing to put of IVF until we have the money, or a reasonable way to get it. Which let me say, insurance in this state FUCKING SUCKS.

13 comments:

Geohde said...

It takes strength of character to not let the green eyed monster rule your life. Good on you for having such positive emotions about the shower.

Chili said...

I'm glad you're feeling so positive about this. :)

Liz said...

I think, after 2 mcs, that there is a disconnect in IF land between being pregnant and having a baby. Perhaps your mind works that way, too?

I, too, am happy for other people's hapiness. I just think the universe should be better at its distribution of happy/sad.

serenity said...

THANK YOU FOR THIS POST.

I had a big of a freak out last night when I realized that my SIL was having her baby (she was induced yesterday).

Course, for me there WAS a bit of jealousy. But when I was hanging out on my couch, listening to the quiet of my house, it hit me. Her life will never be the same.

Being a parent is a tremendous amount of work. And responsibility. And as much as I want that to be me, there's something to be said for our life, the way it is now.

I try and keep that in mind every time I feel really down about IF.

I love that you're fully in the midst of taking a break. I loved being on a break, it was so nice to eat/drink/do whatever I wanted without having to worry about the effect on our cycle/eggs/sperm. :)

Kate said...

I had the same feeling about a friend of mine who was due (with twins) about a week before me--and I, too, found it very weird not to be jealous. I called her right after my D&C to make sure she was OK, and I continued checking up on her like that throughout the pregnancy. When I lost the baby, it was as if her pregnancy almost became mine--I felt so emotionally invested in it. And when her babies were born, I cried and cried, not because I was jealous, but because I was so happy they made it safely into the world. I thought their birth would be a very difficult day for me, but it wasn't. Glad I am not alone in feeling this way.

Sarah said...

i had those same feelings too. coming out the other end of the hole into an alternate universe is a good way to describe it. i'm not sure if it's a survival mechanism or just a very rational way of thinking.

i always went to the baby showers. i didn't have a problem separating their joy from my own situation. but sometimes i surprised myself by feeling more like an outsider than i expected once i got there and then it kindda sucked. then i'd go out for a drink with my husband or something like that while everyone else had to go home to mom duty and i'd feel much better.

Ms. Planner said...

I'm always good to go before the shower, but then I feel like an imposter at the shower, where everyone talks about baby things (& I'm just sitting there, feeling stupid).

That being said, I am so glad that you are not feeling sad about this event. And I agree with Liz: someone else's happiness is a wonderful thing. I just think it should be doled out more fairly.

decemberbaby said...

It sounds like you're in a wonderful place right now. Enjoy it! Baby stuff is fun, and even more so when you're not the one who's sleep deprived. Until your turn comes, why not thoroughly enjoy everyone else's (if you can)?

Oh, and I'm in awe. I was never able to muster up that kind of true happiness.

decemberbaby said...

eta: except for my friends who went through IF and came out the other side with babies. For them, my true happiness knew no bounds.

My Reality said...

I get it, I really do.

Nicole said...

WOW!!! I am so impressed with your point of view and great attitude. It feels good to know that it is possible to be happy for someone after going through so much. You're awesome!!!

megan said...

i still have moments when i feel terrified about the prospect of having a baby. sleep. i like to sleep... :)
i'm glad to hear that this turned into a positive experience for you. i just had a bit of a similar situation with my pregnant hair lady. i wasn't looking forward to going to my appt as i usually do. i spent the first part of it all edgy and irritated by her pregnancy and the associated joy....but by the end i was so happy for her and excited. i even left her with a bit of hope for myself.

Anonymous said...

I would wonder if you are really being honest with yourself about your emotions. If you are truly happy, then I would wonder if you really cared very much about your own miscarriage. Is it possible that you were ambivalent about pregnancy to begin with and that the loss of the baby didn't really affect you that deeply?

While others laud your attitude, I have to say that it raises red flags for me and strikes me as disingenous. Not that everyone who suffers a loss has to turn into a bitter, hateful hag -- not at all! But the complete absence of sorrow in your post leads me to conclude that you probably really ARE happy for her, and that is is because you really weren't too devastated by the loss of your own pregnancy.