Boundaries

I don't think I've ever discussed my family on this blog. It's not intentional, it's just that I haven't had very much to say. Since I've become an adult and left the nest, the drama waned significantly.
Before I get into this story, I should tell you that the word "boundary" is not one my mother knows well. She's shared things with me I could've lived my whole life without knowing, and at times when I was a child just would go off the deep end. Apparently, I was a very difficult child to raise. I don't remember trying to be so difficult, so I guess I was a natural cranky and independent filly. It wasn't uncommon for her to just lose it, and say she was leaving and not coming back, and on and on and on.

Kind of uncomfortable, but I realize now she was just having a lot of problems.

So there is a little history there, not uncommon between mothers and daughters. I'm always suspicious of mothers and daughters that are best friends. Really? Your mom? I tell things to my best friend I don't tell anyone else, certainly not my mother. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me and my mom because we weren't BFF. But now I tend to think that's normal, whatever that means. But I digress.

Back when I was in the throes of my clomid challenge test, I was worried that the results would be bad. Really worried. So worried I was occupying my time with anything but thinking about it. One day on the phone, she asked me what was the matter. When I told her what a bad result would mean, she said "Well, I want you to do whatever it is you need to have your children."
Well no shit, lady.
We've been doing just that for quite awhile, and this test might omit that possibility. And even if the results are good, we just wouldn't know if my eggs will work until we go through IVF. Which we of course still have to do. So nothing is off or on the table at this point. Upon hearing this, she replied "Have you thought about using your sister?" "For an egg donor?"
Um . . . .
The answer is yes, we have thought about it and we both agree we do not want to use someone we know. A few of my friends have offered (I know! So nice, but no thanks).
So I said essentially that - yes, but we prefer it to be anonymous. Additionally, my sister is not in good health, and has reproductive issues on top of her other health problems. So even if we wanted to go that route and all parties were willing, I don't think we could.
And so she then launches in to this whole. . . .thing. I'll shorten her points for your reading ease:
1. Genetically, you don't know what you're going to get.
2. Will they look like you?
3. What kind of testing is involved for the donor?
4. What criteria do you use to chose the donor?
5. If you use your sister, it will be in the family. (WTF? I don't know, it just seems like a weird point. Valid I guess, but weird).

Then she said, "I haven't said anything about this to your sister, but I know she would love to do this for you."

So what do I take away from this conversation? That my mother has essentially decided the solution to this problem is to use my sister's eggs, and to pepper me with suggestions and arguments until I agree.
I love my mom, but I wish she would not do things like this. She is probably just trying to help, however misguided this may be. Just trying to help is like, the worst phrase ever created. It is usually uttered after said action became nothing but a dismal failure.

quick update

I didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. When there isn't much going on, I guess I don't have a lot of inspiration to write about gettin' preggs. The rest of my life is not so exciting, so there you go.

My HSG is scheduled for next week, and I am pissed I have to take a day off work. This year is very, very difficult for a lot of reasons, and I don't like to miss any days. It's just that much more for me to do when I return.

I had horrendous PMS the second time in a row - bloating, cramps, extreme bitchiness, food cravings, the works. Followed by a pretty normal period. So I don't know what is up - I kind of find it oddly reassuring. In the past, I had none of these things presumably because my hormones were low. I would just start bleeding whenever. But who knows?

IVF is getting closer . . . . dun dun dun.

I

am

scared.

So where is your degree in therapy again? Oh, that's right! You don't have one!

When I started this blog, I struggled with whether or not to allow anonymous posting. I decided to allow it, mainly so if someone out there wanted to comment without starting a blogger account they could.
Well.
I received this gem of a comment this week on a blog entry from way back. You need to read it before you read her thoughtful and sensitive comment.

I would wonder if you are really being honest with yourself about your emotions. If you are truly happy, then I would wonder if you really cared very much about your own miscarriage. Is it possible that you were ambivalent about pregnancy to begin with and that the loss of the baby didn't really affect you that deeply? While others laud your attitude, I have to say that it raises red flags for me and strikes me as disingenous. Not that everyone who suffers a loss has to turn into a bitter, hateful hag -- not at all! But the complete absence of sorrow in your post leads me to conclude that you probably really ARE happy for her, and that is is because you really weren't too devastated by the loss of your own pregnancy.

I have to wonder - did she bother to read my numerous other posts? I haven't checked, but my guess is she did a google search and somehow landed on this post. In her haste to pass judgment on someone who has suffered a miscarriage, she undoubtedly did not bother to read anything else.
I'm not sure - is it worse that she DID, and still thought that I was a cold uncaring bitch, or she DIDN'T, and thinks that based on about 3 minutes of thinking?
I'm not so much angry with her response as disappointed. It makes me sad to know that someone out there read this and assumed that I didn't care about my baby, one that would've been born this week.
I mean, come ON. Enough already. Really. I'm good.

PS Have I told you guys about my mom's suggestion that I use my sister for an egg donor? And I told her I didn't think that was a good idea? And she said "Why not? I think it's a great idea!" And I said, "No, really. D and I think it just isn't. We've thought about it and if we need to go that route, we prefer it to be anonymous." And she said "Well, at least think about it some more. Your sister would love to do this for you." (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I haven't?
Well, that post is coming soon. I'm working on it.

The Best of Some Random Things

I hope this finds you well on a wonderful Monday morning. I need to distract myself from overthinking things, and if you need to distract yourself too (who doesn't these days?) then read on.
I have compiled a best of list based purely on unscientific anecdotal evidence. Kind of like research trials for fertility drugs.

Enjoy!

Beauty Products
I will confess I don't have too many of these on my list. I don't know why, because I am a product freak. Go figure.

Best Mascara
Maybelline Great Lash. Always adds at least 2 extra hours of sleep to my tired eyes every morning. It's been doing the same for women across the world for decades. Don't think I haven't tried others - Lancome Definicils was my choice for awhile, but Great Lash drew me back. To be fair, it is a close second but only because it costs like $20 a tube. I mean it's just mascara, people. I don't care if it's spelled en francais or not.

Best Hair Shampoo and Conditioner combo
I have to admit something before you read any further. I am a shampoo and conditioner addict. I can't get enough. I rarely finish a bottle before I'm on to the next. I've tried them all from Pantene to the much overhyped Aveda line. But I always have the best results, the shiniest, bounciest hair you ever did see this side of the prairie, from Rusk Clean Shampoo and Smooth Conditioner. I do adore them so.

Best Tinted Moisturizer
Cover Girl Tinted Moisturizer in Medium. I love this stuff. It's cheap, readily accessible, and always adds a nice glow to my pasty white complexion. If I don't wear it to work, I always get "Are you sick today?" Can you say awkward when I'm all "No, I'm not wearing any makeup, ass." So, the lesson here is wear it and people will think you've been to the beach, or don't, and they will assume it's ok to ask why you look like shit.

Best Nail Polish
OPI I'm Not Just a Waitress or Innsbruck Bronze. The colors are perfect, they look good on just about everyone, and it never, ever chips or fades. Love them!

Entertainment--Movies

Best Cher Movie
Moonstruck. I love, love this movie. I've seen it about a frillion trillion times and I never get tired of it. It always makes me feel better no matter my mood. "Snap out of it!" Totally. I hear you Cher.

Best Movie That Explains Why Women Like Bad Boys
Goodfellas. The part where Karen hides the gun for Henry because she is so romanced by his lifestyle. And I would've done the same thing. No just kiddin'. I mean, the trash can? Come on Karen.

Best Movie that Exemplifies Why Mechanical Bullriding is Not Only a Sport but Really a Path to True Love
Urban Cowboy. Debra Winger. John Travolta. Lots of drinking, yelling and fighting in a trailer park and bars in 1970s Texas. Ends with Bud and Sissy realizing that after all, they are meant to be. Screw that mechanical bull.

Best Movie for Age Differences in Love and Those Obsessed With Death
Harold and Maude. Who says May-December romances are doomed? Well, this movie, but not for the reasons you might think. It's a bittersweet love story enhanced by way of one Cat Stevens.

Best Children's Movie from the 80's
Bet you think I'm going to say Goonies, but I'm not. Mainly because I've never seen the whole thing. I never sat in one place long enough to watch it. But there was one movie that held my interest. The Neverending Story. It had a main character about my age, it involved mythical creatures, a horse, a princess, and a far away land. Sign me up!

Best Movie that Illustrates the True Soul Crushing Nature of Corporate America in an Uncannily Accurate Fashion
Office Space. It is so hard to pick this movie's defining moment. Perhaps it's the destruction of the fax machine to Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta, or when Peter guts a fish on his desk because let's face it, he just doesn't give a fuck, the discussion of flair at Chachie's between Joanna and her manager, or Milton's red stapler. Truly, there are just too many to list here. If you haven't seen it, you must.

Music

Best Album for Wine Drinking and Making The Eyes at Someone Special
John Coltrane's Blue Train. There is just something about this album that makes me excited and relaxed and inspired and warm all at the same time. I have a feeling it makes a lot of people feel this way, hence it's continued popularity and it's place near the top in jazz history.

Best Albums for Remembering Why the Late 60's and Early 70's Was a Very Special Time, Especially for Those of Us Who Were not Born Yet
Led Zeppelin Three and Four, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, Neil Young's Harvest and Everybody Knows this is Nowhere. I don't think these need any explanation.

Best Album for When You Hate Men for Any Old Reason
Tori Amos Little Earthquakes. Girl and Tear in Your Hand are some of my favorites. When I first heard this album, I think I was 13 and I thought it was the most revolutionary thing I'd ever heard, never mind I was only 13 and had no idea what she was really writing about. Now, I listen and still think she is brilliant because unfortunately, I kind of do know.

Best Album for Getting Your Game Face On
Tupac's All Eyez on Me. I'm just a white girl from the South, but it gets the job done when you need it done. How do you want it? Oh man.

Best Albums for Remembering Why the Early 90s Were Not the Best Time for Music, in general
Color Me Badd C.M.B., Vanilla Ice Ice Ice Baby. They remind me of three things: bad skin, bad hair and crushes on boys who were less than desirable, even for an awkward teenager. Ugh. What a drag of a time. Oh, and they remind me of my best friend's basement, a Halloween party and turning out the lights. And kissing some boy with braces. Which wouldn't have been so bad, but I had them too. So it was just basically a disaster of crunching metal and eager tongues. Ice, Ice Baby, but that was later when I discovered my lip was swollen from all the making out.


I hope you enjoyed this little sojourn into my brain. That's all I got for you today. Hope everyone has a great Monday!

RE nurse + call = normal? get OUT!

You know that feeling you get when the phone rings during the day, you look at the caller ID, and it's your RE's office? And they are calling you to give you the results of your latest test - that you've already forgotten about? I always get butterflies a little. Because I think it will be bad news. Somehow, I manage to put it out of my head until I hear the phone ring, and then I get this sheer panic all at once. It's really annoying.

So, my thyroid panel came back normal, which is good.

We are getting closer to IVF. And I am getting a little more freaked out every day. But no backing out this time. No no. We are doing this.

well, screw you too thyroid gland

I've always relied on my thyroid not to fuck up but I guess I should've learned by now to stop relying in general and not act so surprised when the nurse called to inform me that my TSH was a little "off". I have to go back for a full thyroid panel to get a better looky. No big deal really i hope but it's one more appointment. While it's good to get that done and find out what adjustments need to be made, I am just ever so slightly irritated that this is happening on top of the other stuff. But I really shouldn't be as thyroid abnormalities and PCOS are like totally BFF. I'm not going to complain too much, except to say . . . What is up with my endocrine system, and why is it being such a piece of shit these days?*

*I can't beat up on it too much. I passed the c.lomid c.hallenge test. While it doesn't necessarily mean anything great and amazing to pass, it is certainly better news than it could've been. I feel like if this is in tiny font, it won't mean I'm getting too optimistic.

on and off

There will be a real post later this week. But until then, I supply you with some fluff.

On
1. vodka martinis with extra olives
2. dairy
3. wheat
4. raw veggies
5. running
6. sugar
7. coffee
8. real coke
9. not giving a damn, because if I'm going to get pregnant, I doubt the consumption of the above will stop me.
10. being happy because i'm no longer depriving myself of the above delicious items.
11. better sex with the husband
12. this could be because i bought this. what can i say? it was on the way to the produce on the end of the aisle. impulse buy.

off
1. acupuncture
2. being told "we don't know what's wrong with you, but man, you are way messed up"
3. "your tounge is coated and the tip is red. here, buy these expensive herbs of unknown origin and take three times a day, and you will feel so much better."
4. worrying about whether or not I'm doing the right thing as i throw the herbs out.
5. being scared to hold a baby because i might cry
6. being scared to persue more tests and treatments because i'm scared of the outcome.
7. being scared in general of the whole infertility monster
8. identifying my self worth with my inability to have a baby