goodbye, dear readers

I've decided to stop writing this blog, at least for a little while.
I didn't want to just stop updating entirely. I can't stand it when people do that; just stop with no explanation.

I have nothing really new or interesting to say. Yes, I can't have a baby. Yes, that sucks. How many times/different ways/situations can I say it? It's damaged our marriage (but honestly, things were much, much worse a year ago), my self esteem, and even my outlook on life will never be the same. I just don't care to dwell upon this anymore. 2 1/2 years is long enough to let this run my life.
My mother is in remission from a cancer that could return and most likely will, given it's course. My sister has other health issues that make it impossible for her to have another child, which she was hoping to do in the new year. It puts the infertility my husband and I have experienced in perspective and almost makes me feel ashamed for all of this self centered whinging I do from time to time.
I have so many things in my life that make me happy. I think the best thing for me to do is think about those as much as possible. Which I've been doing more of lately. I still have bad days (Christmas Eve was one of these days), but you know what? Feeling sorry for myself still hasn't resulted in a baby yet. I don't think it ever will, so it's time for me to move on from this self imposed pity party as much as I can.
We aren't cycling now, and when we start, I will have more to say. So, please don't drop me from your bloglines or stop checking in. More interesting and witty repertoire will come eventually. The dildocam has missed me, or so I've heard.
I finally got good and angry at the infertility monster. I am kicking her out (or more likely, locking her in a dark closet at the back of my psyche) for good. And I am going to win this fight.

hot mess

That's what I've been lately.
I haven't shaved my head and flashed my junk at the paparazzi (seriously, why? why? would this seem like a good idea for any reason?), but for a working girl who can't have no babies living in the 'burbs, I've done things that could be equivalents.
Such as:
- losing it (not the crying kind, the getting frustrated kind) in a meeting at work over nothing - really.
- subsequently getting chewed out in front of everyone at said meeting
- I don't think it was as bad as I thought, several people slapped me on the back and said "You've got a set!" Or maybe for this reason it was as bad as I thought? Who knows and who cares. Oh, me.
- considered walking out while humming "Take This Job and Shove It"; but realized I love too many things about my job to leave. Oh, and I need the money.
- trying to explain to D why I don't want to have sex with him anymore and actually using the phrase "It's not you, it's me." I used to have quite the desire for sexy time, so this is a tough one to explain.
- talking to myself in the car and gesticulating wildly, enough to draw the attention of several people stopped along with me at the red light. On more than one day.
- moving from the depths of despair and then to giddy happiness. All.day.long.
This IVF has got to start soon. Of course, in the true fashion of all things I still have one more test that must be repeated - a sonohystogram (spelling anyone? I don't know about this. Something doesn't look right, but you know what I mean). Which as many of you know, can only be done on certain days of a cycle, and they only had one appointment available in the middle of the day this time. I couldn't get away from work for several reasons. I know you're thinking "Priorities!" but I don't want to compromise work for this even more than I'm going to in a few weeks. So it's out and we wait one more cycle. And mine are unpredictable. Dammit.

how organized are you?

After realizing that I've never, ever kept track of the many doctor's appointments, blood draws, results, cycle monitoring, test dates and their results, questions for the doctor, etc., I came to the conclusion that it might be wise to start. You know, for FUTURE REFERENCE WHEN I MEET WITH MY NEW RE SO I WON'T LOOK LIKE A TOTAL DUMBASS AT OUR VERY IMPORTANT IVF CONSULT APPOINTMENT; BECAUSE HE MIGHT MAKE US A BABY AND THAT IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
I am so not a type A. And this whole process is very type A. It doesn't suit me in the least. Like planning our wedding. I just didn't care about any of the details. I literally spent about 10 minutes choosing the food selections. It all tasted good and it was a very reputable catering company, so I figured just go with it. I let the venue where our reception was held choose the linens, glassware, and centerpieces. They kept asking "Now Tipsymarie, are you sure it's ok for us to make such important decisions regarding your WEDDING DAY?" I was expecting one of them to explode, but it never happened. Oh man. So high strung and so serious.about.weddings. I tried on a total of 8 dresses over a couple of trips to various small stores and decided on one almost immediately. I ordered my veil and bridesmaid dresses sight unseen from the interweb, and I am not kidding when I tell you I ordered my invitations from Party City. I know, some of you just recoiled in horror. It's ok because those damn things just went in the trash as soon as they were opened. I'm pretty sure the only person who will frame it is me. It currently sits in our living room. The only thing I really tried to plan was the music selection, because I didn't want to hear any annoying Top 40 shit. I wanted people to dance and have fun, so I did make sure we had a plan in place for an open bar that had everyone's favorites.

It was only natural and expected I take a laissez faire approach to things others find to need more planning. I bought my prom dress the night before and decided on an engagement ring design I liked in one afternoon. In perhaps the most the most shocking display of Type B ineptitude, I lost the secret notebook girls keep between each other. The one we spent hours decorating with stickers and puff paint and glitter. Oh, I had several friends stop speaking to me because of that loss. BFF, not so much.

When I was in school, I was not the girl with the pink and green kittened out Trapper Keeper divided neatly among the five subjects. Notes and school work were always stuffed into a desk or locker or under the bed or in the car. My teachers were always beyond frustrated with my lack of organization, or more likely, my lack of motivation to become organized.

On Friday, I spent some time making some really pretty, graphically pleasing calendars in Publisher for our Big Giant IVF Binder. If it wouldn't be so weird, I would send a copy to my new RE so he knows I am taking this more seriously that I have anything else in my life. Nothing says serious like a Big Giant Binder Stuffed with Calendars and Test Results.
I can't wait to make the labels and dividers.

it's 5:40 and i've already been up for an hour

D runs in our city's half marathon every Thanksgiving (well the last one anyway), and I was supposed to run with him this year. Since I didn't really stick with the running program I started three months ago; I decided running 13.1 miles at 7 am on Thanksgiving was probably not the best idea.
It does not mean, however, that I didn't hear the alarm blare loudly first at 4:30 this morning, and then again at 4:39.
So I went ahead and got up. Lest you think getting up at 4:39 am is a bad idea, it's really great. Really.
I get to see D before he leaves.
I started the Sweet Potato Souffle so I'm not doing that at the last minute.
I might work out. Hey! I really might.

We are driving down to the inlaws later this morning so it will be nice not to rush. Everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I love the smell of dehydrated algae in the morning

Cons:

1. doesn't fully dissolve in water

2. has a faint banana flavor. I think this was intentional by the manufacturer but it seems a little out of place.

3. because it doesn't dissolve fully in water, sometimes little chunks get stuck in the straw. Well, at least it keeps things interesting.

4. it tastes exactly as you would expect dehydrated greens and algae dissolved in water to taste.

Pros:

1. has several of the superfoods

2. might help with my egg quality

3. might help reverse aging in general

4. Itisgoodformedammit!

if there was a lazy blogger award, i would nominate myself

I feel like I have nothing interesting to report, so I haven't exactly felt like writing anything.

Currently, my life consists of:
1. work. It's good because it's keeping me really busy, but on the reverse side it's bad because it's keeping me really busy.
2. cleaning, cooking, etc. You know, wifely duties. I've written about the frustrations I have with these time consuming tasks before, so no need to rehash. I don't have anyone to help with the cleaning because I am, oh, what is the word, a freak? The thought of someone else coming in my house and cleaning kind of bothers me. And what if they let the cats out? Or don't clean in the exact fashion I would if I were home to actually do the cleaning, which I am not? As a result, I mostly bitch about the perceived squalor of the house (which I am assured by D that we do not live in squalor per se, but more of an indifference to mess) and then do nothing. I am told that it is a very attractive character trait.
3. thinking about our upcoming IVF which is approaching faster by the day. Literally.
Current obsessions include, but are not limited to:
a. Should I stop drinking caffeine now and switch to raspberry leaf tea full time?
b.What about acupuncture?
c. Dairy yes or no?
d.Wheat yea or nay?
e.Metformin?
f. Alcohol?
g.Exercise that is moderate in intensity (which always feels like a waste of time to me. If I'm going to run, I am going to run, not dodder around like I'm afraid of myself).
h. Organic meats and produce consistently?
i. Yoga?
j.Meditation?
k. No artificial sweeteners?
l. A trip to Tibet to have my hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian-axis blessed by the Dali Lama?

The 90 day egg development rule states that with the exception of (l) that yes, I should have stopped or started doing or taking the appropriate measures listed above but have I done any of them? Um, no. In some ways, I really wish I'd never read The Infertility Cure. It made me too hypervigilant about things I could only fully control if I quit working and pursued getting pregnant full time. I'm not so sure that would be a good idea either.

4. The holidays are coming up. I am not feeling sorry for myself that we don't have any children because I am too busy figuring out how to convince family that we need to stop exchanging gifts and donate to a worthy cause of the recipient's choosing in his or her name. Of course, we would still purchase gifts for the kids, but the adults? It seems kind of silly and overblown. We don't really need anything. It feels ridiculous to me to ask for things just for the sake of having something to open on Christmas. With the exception of D, I think I might be the only one who feels this way. We'll see how it goes.

How about you? How do you feel about the holidays and gift giving?

I'm not nauseous because I'm pregnant

It would be because I ate a ludicrous amount of Halloween candy last night; directly after consuming a delicious cheeseburger and fries covered in salt and malt vinegar.

That candy. It's deceptive. Packed in those little bundles, calling out to me from the basket near the door. If I just eat one, it's not that bad. The trouble becomes when I've said that, oh, 5 or 6 or 13 times or whatever. Those little ones toddling up to the door had no idea I was pilfering their Halloween joy for my own delight.

I think I might ovulate soon, or maybe already did, but I'm pretty sure I burned my little egg good with all that sugar. And the fries. And the real Coke.

fun with uterine dye

I just got home from my HSG appointment.
Oh what fun.
The tech was really nice but not the sharpest tool in the shed. When she was explaining the procedure, she kept calling the speculum a "spectrum" and told me the radiologist was going to clean off my uterus with Betadine . . . I'm pretty sure she meant my cervix. Then, she shows me the camera they use and then said "Don't worry, we clean it off after every use" (as an aside, did I really need to hear that? Eeeww.) and then proceeded to swing it around and it hit the xray table. Lovely.
Then the radiologist comes in, and has such a thick accent I can't really understand him at first. He didn't want any towels under my pelvis. This turned out to be a very bad idea.
So, he threads the catheter in, and attempts to blow up the balloon and inject the dye . . . no luck. He went through about three catheters and an untold amount of dye. He kept saying "It's getting stuck on something." (??) Basically, the dye was running right out and not lighting up my fallopian tubes.
All of the poking and prodding and jerking on my cervix was pure joy as he tried maneuvers that I think he was making up as he went along.
Finally, he decides maybe the towels under my pelvis was a good idea. He put the balloon waaaayyy up at the top of my uterus and like magic, the fourth try was the charm. The cramping was very uncomfortable, but not too bad. And the best part? Everything is normal. Yay for that.

Boundaries

I don't think I've ever discussed my family on this blog. It's not intentional, it's just that I haven't had very much to say. Since I've become an adult and left the nest, the drama waned significantly.
Before I get into this story, I should tell you that the word "boundary" is not one my mother knows well. She's shared things with me I could've lived my whole life without knowing, and at times when I was a child just would go off the deep end. Apparently, I was a very difficult child to raise. I don't remember trying to be so difficult, so I guess I was a natural cranky and independent filly. It wasn't uncommon for her to just lose it, and say she was leaving and not coming back, and on and on and on.

Kind of uncomfortable, but I realize now she was just having a lot of problems.

So there is a little history there, not uncommon between mothers and daughters. I'm always suspicious of mothers and daughters that are best friends. Really? Your mom? I tell things to my best friend I don't tell anyone else, certainly not my mother. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me and my mom because we weren't BFF. But now I tend to think that's normal, whatever that means. But I digress.

Back when I was in the throes of my clomid challenge test, I was worried that the results would be bad. Really worried. So worried I was occupying my time with anything but thinking about it. One day on the phone, she asked me what was the matter. When I told her what a bad result would mean, she said "Well, I want you to do whatever it is you need to have your children."
Well no shit, lady.
We've been doing just that for quite awhile, and this test might omit that possibility. And even if the results are good, we just wouldn't know if my eggs will work until we go through IVF. Which we of course still have to do. So nothing is off or on the table at this point. Upon hearing this, she replied "Have you thought about using your sister?" "For an egg donor?"
Um . . . .
The answer is yes, we have thought about it and we both agree we do not want to use someone we know. A few of my friends have offered (I know! So nice, but no thanks).
So I said essentially that - yes, but we prefer it to be anonymous. Additionally, my sister is not in good health, and has reproductive issues on top of her other health problems. So even if we wanted to go that route and all parties were willing, I don't think we could.
And so she then launches in to this whole. . . .thing. I'll shorten her points for your reading ease:
1. Genetically, you don't know what you're going to get.
2. Will they look like you?
3. What kind of testing is involved for the donor?
4. What criteria do you use to chose the donor?
5. If you use your sister, it will be in the family. (WTF? I don't know, it just seems like a weird point. Valid I guess, but weird).

Then she said, "I haven't said anything about this to your sister, but I know she would love to do this for you."

So what do I take away from this conversation? That my mother has essentially decided the solution to this problem is to use my sister's eggs, and to pepper me with suggestions and arguments until I agree.
I love my mom, but I wish she would not do things like this. She is probably just trying to help, however misguided this may be. Just trying to help is like, the worst phrase ever created. It is usually uttered after said action became nothing but a dismal failure.

quick update

I didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. When there isn't much going on, I guess I don't have a lot of inspiration to write about gettin' preggs. The rest of my life is not so exciting, so there you go.

My HSG is scheduled for next week, and I am pissed I have to take a day off work. This year is very, very difficult for a lot of reasons, and I don't like to miss any days. It's just that much more for me to do when I return.

I had horrendous PMS the second time in a row - bloating, cramps, extreme bitchiness, food cravings, the works. Followed by a pretty normal period. So I don't know what is up - I kind of find it oddly reassuring. In the past, I had none of these things presumably because my hormones were low. I would just start bleeding whenever. But who knows?

IVF is getting closer . . . . dun dun dun.

I

am

scared.

So where is your degree in therapy again? Oh, that's right! You don't have one!

When I started this blog, I struggled with whether or not to allow anonymous posting. I decided to allow it, mainly so if someone out there wanted to comment without starting a blogger account they could.
Well.
I received this gem of a comment this week on a blog entry from way back. You need to read it before you read her thoughtful and sensitive comment.

I would wonder if you are really being honest with yourself about your emotions. If you are truly happy, then I would wonder if you really cared very much about your own miscarriage. Is it possible that you were ambivalent about pregnancy to begin with and that the loss of the baby didn't really affect you that deeply? While others laud your attitude, I have to say that it raises red flags for me and strikes me as disingenous. Not that everyone who suffers a loss has to turn into a bitter, hateful hag -- not at all! But the complete absence of sorrow in your post leads me to conclude that you probably really ARE happy for her, and that is is because you really weren't too devastated by the loss of your own pregnancy.

I have to wonder - did she bother to read my numerous other posts? I haven't checked, but my guess is she did a google search and somehow landed on this post. In her haste to pass judgment on someone who has suffered a miscarriage, she undoubtedly did not bother to read anything else.
I'm not sure - is it worse that she DID, and still thought that I was a cold uncaring bitch, or she DIDN'T, and thinks that based on about 3 minutes of thinking?
I'm not so much angry with her response as disappointed. It makes me sad to know that someone out there read this and assumed that I didn't care about my baby, one that would've been born this week.
I mean, come ON. Enough already. Really. I'm good.

PS Have I told you guys about my mom's suggestion that I use my sister for an egg donor? And I told her I didn't think that was a good idea? And she said "Why not? I think it's a great idea!" And I said, "No, really. D and I think it just isn't. We've thought about it and if we need to go that route, we prefer it to be anonymous." And she said "Well, at least think about it some more. Your sister would love to do this for you." (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I haven't?
Well, that post is coming soon. I'm working on it.

The Best of Some Random Things

I hope this finds you well on a wonderful Monday morning. I need to distract myself from overthinking things, and if you need to distract yourself too (who doesn't these days?) then read on.
I have compiled a best of list based purely on unscientific anecdotal evidence. Kind of like research trials for fertility drugs.

Enjoy!

Beauty Products
I will confess I don't have too many of these on my list. I don't know why, because I am a product freak. Go figure.

Best Mascara
Maybelline Great Lash. Always adds at least 2 extra hours of sleep to my tired eyes every morning. It's been doing the same for women across the world for decades. Don't think I haven't tried others - Lancome Definicils was my choice for awhile, but Great Lash drew me back. To be fair, it is a close second but only because it costs like $20 a tube. I mean it's just mascara, people. I don't care if it's spelled en francais or not.

Best Hair Shampoo and Conditioner combo
I have to admit something before you read any further. I am a shampoo and conditioner addict. I can't get enough. I rarely finish a bottle before I'm on to the next. I've tried them all from Pantene to the much overhyped Aveda line. But I always have the best results, the shiniest, bounciest hair you ever did see this side of the prairie, from Rusk Clean Shampoo and Smooth Conditioner. I do adore them so.

Best Tinted Moisturizer
Cover Girl Tinted Moisturizer in Medium. I love this stuff. It's cheap, readily accessible, and always adds a nice glow to my pasty white complexion. If I don't wear it to work, I always get "Are you sick today?" Can you say awkward when I'm all "No, I'm not wearing any makeup, ass." So, the lesson here is wear it and people will think you've been to the beach, or don't, and they will assume it's ok to ask why you look like shit.

Best Nail Polish
OPI I'm Not Just a Waitress or Innsbruck Bronze. The colors are perfect, they look good on just about everyone, and it never, ever chips or fades. Love them!

Entertainment--Movies

Best Cher Movie
Moonstruck. I love, love this movie. I've seen it about a frillion trillion times and I never get tired of it. It always makes me feel better no matter my mood. "Snap out of it!" Totally. I hear you Cher.

Best Movie That Explains Why Women Like Bad Boys
Goodfellas. The part where Karen hides the gun for Henry because she is so romanced by his lifestyle. And I would've done the same thing. No just kiddin'. I mean, the trash can? Come on Karen.

Best Movie that Exemplifies Why Mechanical Bullriding is Not Only a Sport but Really a Path to True Love
Urban Cowboy. Debra Winger. John Travolta. Lots of drinking, yelling and fighting in a trailer park and bars in 1970s Texas. Ends with Bud and Sissy realizing that after all, they are meant to be. Screw that mechanical bull.

Best Movie for Age Differences in Love and Those Obsessed With Death
Harold and Maude. Who says May-December romances are doomed? Well, this movie, but not for the reasons you might think. It's a bittersweet love story enhanced by way of one Cat Stevens.

Best Children's Movie from the 80's
Bet you think I'm going to say Goonies, but I'm not. Mainly because I've never seen the whole thing. I never sat in one place long enough to watch it. But there was one movie that held my interest. The Neverending Story. It had a main character about my age, it involved mythical creatures, a horse, a princess, and a far away land. Sign me up!

Best Movie that Illustrates the True Soul Crushing Nature of Corporate America in an Uncannily Accurate Fashion
Office Space. It is so hard to pick this movie's defining moment. Perhaps it's the destruction of the fax machine to Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta, or when Peter guts a fish on his desk because let's face it, he just doesn't give a fuck, the discussion of flair at Chachie's between Joanna and her manager, or Milton's red stapler. Truly, there are just too many to list here. If you haven't seen it, you must.

Music

Best Album for Wine Drinking and Making The Eyes at Someone Special
John Coltrane's Blue Train. There is just something about this album that makes me excited and relaxed and inspired and warm all at the same time. I have a feeling it makes a lot of people feel this way, hence it's continued popularity and it's place near the top in jazz history.

Best Albums for Remembering Why the Late 60's and Early 70's Was a Very Special Time, Especially for Those of Us Who Were not Born Yet
Led Zeppelin Three and Four, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, Neil Young's Harvest and Everybody Knows this is Nowhere. I don't think these need any explanation.

Best Album for When You Hate Men for Any Old Reason
Tori Amos Little Earthquakes. Girl and Tear in Your Hand are some of my favorites. When I first heard this album, I think I was 13 and I thought it was the most revolutionary thing I'd ever heard, never mind I was only 13 and had no idea what she was really writing about. Now, I listen and still think she is brilliant because unfortunately, I kind of do know.

Best Album for Getting Your Game Face On
Tupac's All Eyez on Me. I'm just a white girl from the South, but it gets the job done when you need it done. How do you want it? Oh man.

Best Albums for Remembering Why the Early 90s Were Not the Best Time for Music, in general
Color Me Badd C.M.B., Vanilla Ice Ice Ice Baby. They remind me of three things: bad skin, bad hair and crushes on boys who were less than desirable, even for an awkward teenager. Ugh. What a drag of a time. Oh, and they remind me of my best friend's basement, a Halloween party and turning out the lights. And kissing some boy with braces. Which wouldn't have been so bad, but I had them too. So it was just basically a disaster of crunching metal and eager tongues. Ice, Ice Baby, but that was later when I discovered my lip was swollen from all the making out.


I hope you enjoyed this little sojourn into my brain. That's all I got for you today. Hope everyone has a great Monday!

RE nurse + call = normal? get OUT!

You know that feeling you get when the phone rings during the day, you look at the caller ID, and it's your RE's office? And they are calling you to give you the results of your latest test - that you've already forgotten about? I always get butterflies a little. Because I think it will be bad news. Somehow, I manage to put it out of my head until I hear the phone ring, and then I get this sheer panic all at once. It's really annoying.

So, my thyroid panel came back normal, which is good.

We are getting closer to IVF. And I am getting a little more freaked out every day. But no backing out this time. No no. We are doing this.

well, screw you too thyroid gland

I've always relied on my thyroid not to fuck up but I guess I should've learned by now to stop relying in general and not act so surprised when the nurse called to inform me that my TSH was a little "off". I have to go back for a full thyroid panel to get a better looky. No big deal really i hope but it's one more appointment. While it's good to get that done and find out what adjustments need to be made, I am just ever so slightly irritated that this is happening on top of the other stuff. But I really shouldn't be as thyroid abnormalities and PCOS are like totally BFF. I'm not going to complain too much, except to say . . . What is up with my endocrine system, and why is it being such a piece of shit these days?*

*I can't beat up on it too much. I passed the c.lomid c.hallenge test. While it doesn't necessarily mean anything great and amazing to pass, it is certainly better news than it could've been. I feel like if this is in tiny font, it won't mean I'm getting too optimistic.

on and off

There will be a real post later this week. But until then, I supply you with some fluff.

On
1. vodka martinis with extra olives
2. dairy
3. wheat
4. raw veggies
5. running
6. sugar
7. coffee
8. real coke
9. not giving a damn, because if I'm going to get pregnant, I doubt the consumption of the above will stop me.
10. being happy because i'm no longer depriving myself of the above delicious items.
11. better sex with the husband
12. this could be because i bought this. what can i say? it was on the way to the produce on the end of the aisle. impulse buy.

off
1. acupuncture
2. being told "we don't know what's wrong with you, but man, you are way messed up"
3. "your tounge is coated and the tip is red. here, buy these expensive herbs of unknown origin and take three times a day, and you will feel so much better."
4. worrying about whether or not I'm doing the right thing as i throw the herbs out.
5. being scared to hold a baby because i might cry
6. being scared to persue more tests and treatments because i'm scared of the outcome.
7. being scared in general of the whole infertility monster
8. identifying my self worth with my inability to have a baby

on overthinking

I started this post over a week ago, and was too tired to finish it. I know I have been the worst blogger ever, but when you aren't cycling or doing anything at all in that area, life just takes over and I stop thinking about IT. But not really, of course.
I really, really hesitated to post this blog. It cuts to a lot of issues about IVF we rarely discuss. I never see them written about in other blogs or message boards, which always makes me wonder if it's just me that thinks these things or that many of us do but don't talk about them. If you choose to read, know that I am only looking for guidance and nothing more. I am truly and utterly confused by my own thoughts and need some advice.


*************************************************************************************

I have many bad thinking habits, and probably the one of the worst is a tendency to overthink and overanalyze things. It's strange, because that requires a great deal of concentration - but my other thinking bad habit would have to be my AD.D. I never took R,italin, and it seems silly to start that now. I've figured out ways to make my absentmindedness cooky and charming rather than irritating (at least, I would like to think so). It seems to bewilder others so much they stop trying to figure out why someone could forget to shave one leg or get lost on the way to the grocery store (yes. I really did that. That story is for another day.) that they just give up and laugh right along with me.


I've never applied my overanalyzation to IVF, at least not consciously. But I'm fairly certain I've been doing it all along. We were told over a year ago that it was really our only option for a healthy child. But something has been nagging at me this entire time - hence the constant procrastination.


When I think of IVF, I think of sharpness, cold, pain. Really, it makes me think of a large collection of cold steel needles - if IVF could manifest itself, that's what it would be to me. It's such a harsh sounding acronym. I am in no hurry to take the plunge. I feel like it's something we must do to say we've done everything possible to have our own biological children. For a very long time, this was as important to me as it was to my husband.

Then one day, it became less important than" just" being a mom. The more and more I thought about IVF, the less and less I want to actually go through with it. It's incredibly confusing really - some days, I am just so SURE it will work, so SURE it's the right thing to do, and then others I feel the exact and total opposite. And I start to wonder if it's really even worth the money, time, emotional stress. Is it really worth it?



I just don't know.



I feel like I have to do it, to give D a shot at having his biological children. Something I should probably discuss is the fact our new doctor wants me to do a C.lomid C.hallenge Test. He's concerned that my previous poor response to injectibles and the two chromosomally abnormal miscarriages might be due to an even bigger problem. I knew that was coming, the writing was on the wall. A 28 yr old PCOS patient in otherwise good health doesn't have a poor response to meds unless something else is very wrong. And that was two years ago. But I don't KNOW this yet because I haven't actually DONE the test. And no medical professional has mentioned a donor, so it's really nothing I can stress over right now - and even if we use a donor, the big questions are still there.

At this point, it is what it is, and I would rather know before going ahead with IVF.



And then there is the whole issue on which we completely, utterly, totally disagree.



First let me say I wasn't raised in church, and even after all of this difficulty, I am pro-choice. I am not a particularly religious person by any means, and that is why this whole train of thought has thrown me completely off balance. I am fairly liberal in every area of my life, which let me say is quite a feat as I was raised in a small town in the South.
And then these completely foreign thoughts started creeping in. I mean, isn't this complicated enough as it is? I certainly think so, but my brain thinks otherwise.
Whew. Ok, let's get down to the issue.
I can't shake the feeling that something just isn't right about our possible children getting their first starts at life in a lab, floating in a culture medium. And that some of them will arrest in development and die. And if they make it far enough, they could die in my womb. What if we have some left over and they aren't deemed suitable for freezing? By standards that can vary widely from clinic to clinic? What happens to them? Do they go out with the lab waste? I know they do, and I don't think I could bear the thought. What if we do freeze some, and they don't make it though the thaw? Did we inadvertently kill them? What if we decide we don't want any more children (I know, ha ha that I'm even thinking this), and we do have some on ice, if you will - what do we do with them? D says donate them to science, or donate them to another couple. I cannot donate to science, even though it might mean being part of a cure for my mother's cancer - and to another couple? I can't wrap my head around complete strangers raising my child. Just can't.

WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF?



How do I reconcile creating many lives, some that may die, in the hopes of creating some so we can have our children? D says he doesn't think of it like this, but I can't think of it any other way.

What in the fucking fuck do I do now?

And WHERE is my A.DD when I need it?

feminism can suck on my big toe.

I got all fired up after reading this post at anns' blog. There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that was relatively stress free. I went to work and then came home and relaxed with a glass of wine. I had roommates for years. Truly, it was the best living arrangement. I got to live with my best friends, only had to worry about feeding myself, cleaning up after myself, when I was ready to go to bed, turning off the lights and never having to put the proverbial toilet seat down. No one ever asked What are we doing for dinner, Is my so-and-so clean, have you seen ___________, etc.

And then I fell in love with the most wonderful (and I am just going to say, hottest man) and got married.

And so here we are. I get up every morning at 5 or 5:30. First thing I do is make coffee, which I've recently started drinking again. I know, I know, caffeine = bad. But I love it. Sometimes I do the dishes or some laundry. D sleeps a little later and gets in the shower, gets ready and leaves for work. We both have the same job, and the same responsibilities, and make the same salary. We both leave work at about the same time, 5 or so. So, our work days are about 9 or 10 hours. That's not counting what we do at home almost every night - email, grading, etc.

After work, he runs. I try and decide what we're eating for dinner. Usually, that means going to the store because we're trying to eat out less. Then I come home and cook. He comes home and sits down and talks to me while I'm cooking or watches TV or takes a shower. We eat. He does some work. I clean the kitchen. Then I do some work. We go to bed. I try and go to sleep with the light on because he likes to read.

Sounds like fun, no?

We don't have a housecleaner, because we don't want to spend the money, so the only time to really clean is the weekend. So I will do that but not as often as it needs. We have a fairly large house, which we bought because we were going to have kids soon. Ha. So it takes almost the whole day. Sometimes, he will help me clean, but honestly, he doesn't really clean. So that means at some point I have to go behind him. Which I hate to do. It makes me feel like my mother. But I can't stand the bathroom all gross if I've actually found the motivation to clean. And if you don't clean it for several months and then just sort of clean it, yeah. You get the picture.

He does all the major yardwork which is a huge job, but honestly, it's only 7 months out of the year. He helps out with the laundry too. It's not like he is some caveman or something, but it still doesn't feel like we have "equal responsibilities".

Before I continue, let me just say I absolutely adore my husband and love him so very much. I wouldn't change anything about getting married.
But.
Its all me for the daily stuff. And I hate it. I really do. I resent this whole arrangement to no end. It's just not fair. We work the same hours. I want to come home and relax. I want to run after work with friends (if I had any that ran, which I do not. They are either pregnant or have little babies.) I want to not worry about whether the bathrooms are clean, if we have clean dishes, do we have milk, bread, and on and on.

I know many of you are thinking "Can't you both switch off day to day things?" Well, we've done it for awhile, and then it always ends up falling apart. He's just not going to remember. And it's not going to change.

What the hell am I going to do if we actually have children?? I can't even wrap my brain around that one.

So this brings me to my biggest complaint. Feminism.
But first here is my disclaimer:
I think the feminist movement was wholly necessary and needed, please understand that. But women's roles have morphed into the everythingcaretaker-corportateladderclimber-roommother-breastfeeder-teardabber-cooker-lovemaker-and on and on.

Sure, the workplace is substantially more equal than 30 years ago, but guess what?? That's where it ends. We still have the children, nurse the babies, and, lets face it, take care of our husbands to varying degrees. We still end up falling into the roles of our grandmothers ON TOP OF taking on more and more at work, because we were all told we could do it all.

I suppose the argument here is we have the option to do it all, and our grandmothers didn't.

But I don't so much think it's optional anymore. I certainly don't feel as though it is.
Just about every woman I work with is either on antidepressants or antianxiety medication. They are constantly stressed, and will freely admit they have not one ounce of time for themselves. One is going through a divorce, and told me the other day how nice it was to go home and just take care of her two kids and herself on her own schedule. Once she puts them to bed, she has the evening to herself. She's reveling in all this free time.
I am I the only one that finds that sad and depressing?

So here we are, 30 years later, and I just don't think anyone is necessarily happier for it. Women tear each other apart on childraising strategies, breastfeeding, cesareans vs. vaginal births, natural vs. medicated, and on and on and on. There is no feeling of common sisterhood among the general female population. We are so busy competing at the workplace and trying to do it all in general, it's spilled over into our collective female conscience.

While I don't want to quit my job and stay at home, even if we have children, I just want things to be less . . . .contentious and competitive among women.

I am tired of trying to do it all, and I've still got quite a ways to go.

Screw complete independence.

Sometimes, I just want someone to take care of me.

it turns out I am human after all.

I apologize for not commenting on any of your blogs this week (and most of last week). Work started back, and I have been extremely busy. Since I work in education, I feel a little weird writing about what goes on at work, but suffice it to say, it is a really difficult job sometimes, and the pay doesn't exactly reflect that fact. After I graduated, I chose between law school and graduate school in education, and sometimes, I wonder why I didn't choose law. Really, I wonder. More on that some other time.
Alright. Let's move on to the entertaining stuff.

Remember this silliness? The shower for my friend who is due two weeks after I would've been was yesterday. For your reading ease, I've broken down the experience into three parts: before, during, after.

Before:
I went to get the gift after work on Thursday, and of course they were registered at Target, the scene of an already embarrassing breakdown. I got the gift and then went to pick out the card and wrapping accouterments*. It was filled, I mean filled, with adorable stuff for babies, baby showers, new moms, puppies, kittens, little balls of sunshine, and the obligatory fairies. There was a lilt of lilac in the air, and a cool breeze flirted with the hairs on my neck. Oh, how I do love Target.

As I was deciding what wrapping paper style and color scheme to choose, which I must say was not easy as there were about a trillion choices, I started crying. Really crying. Not just a little tear here or there. It was awful. I still had to buy the freaking R.ainforest J.umperoo and the card, which I still had to pick out.
Question: How in the fuck I am I going to pick out a card if the wrapping paper is making me cry?
Answer: By continuing to cry, accidentally getting snot on some of the cards, choosing one that you would like to receive at your own baby shower, somehow magically collecting yourself (perhaps from the helpful fairies?) and getting the hell out of there.


During
At this point, I need to talk about AP. AP is the friend who hosted the shower at the mama's house. AP has an adorable one year old boy, C, and a doting, sweet husband. She is a stay at home mom and is a big proponent of a.ttachment p.arenting**. While I am certain she has problems, just like everyone else, to me her life looks pretty damn close to perfect. She belittles her husband in front of him and us (which is so incredibly AWKWARD) and complains about how hard it is to parent in this style ALL THE TIME. Last night, I was curious and read about attachment parenting, and I thought many parts of it sound great, but she is taking many of the philosophies to the extreme. She never sets C down, really, never. They sleep in the floor with him, and to my knowledge, they have not had sex since she was about 6 months pregnant***. They don't use a stroller. They don't put him in the car unless he is sleeping because he cries as he does not like the car, so consequently, they don't go anywhere unless it's his nap time, which may or may not happen on any given day. Yesterday, she was about an hour late because C didn't go to sleep, and as he was still sleeping in the car when they got there, her husband stayed in the car with him so he would not be awoken upon being removed from the car. He was out there about an hour by himself while the rest of us where inside talking and visiting. The men went to play golf while we had the shower, but her husband stayed behind in a back bedroom because C "doesn't feel comfortable around other people" and the only way to keep him happy is to have one or both parents with him at all times. And really, C he doesn't, including his grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I assume this is because they will not allow him to become upset, so he's accustomed to being held indefinitely by his parents, and as a result has virtually no attachment to anyone else, nor any real curiosity about others. He rarely smiled at the other children at the party, nor the adults, and sadly, was so attached to AP he missed out on a lot of things most one year olds would enjoy. I've known AP for many years, and I have my own reasons on why she needs to be needed so much, and I don't think she's aware of why she's doing this to her son, or what the implications will be for him as he grows. So, I keep my mouth shut because it is not my child, my husband or my life.

Still reading?

AP knows how long we've been trying to get pregnant. She doesn't know about the miscarriages or the treatments we've been through, but she knows how long it's been. And, she is L&D nurse, so she has an intimate understanding of the female reproductive system and pregnancy.
Questions/comments I was asked/told by her yesterday:
1. Wow, your and D's kids will be so hairy! (as an aside, WTF?? I am not that hairy.)
2. You will carry well because you are tall.
3. You and D's kids will be so tall!
4. Have you thought about whether you will work or not after you have your kids?
5. And my personal favorite that doesn't have anything to do with the above: as she arrived an hour late - You look so cute! I didn't recognize you!

At this point, I reminded her we've been trying for over 2 years now, so we will just have to see. And she still did not fucking get the hint. By the time D came back from playing golf, I was sitting on the couch, staring intently at the television. I was afraid to talk otherwise I might cry. Eventually, we were alone in the kitchen, and he gently asked if I was upset, and at that point I went into the bathroom and cried a little. Then we got the hell out of there.

After
I cried AGAIN**** in the in the car, thinking about next summer, and their son would be here, and our daughter would not be. We are very close friends, and I know if things would've worked out, it would be like a second family. It was early evening, my favorite time of the day during the summer, the light was streaming down through the trees and I wanted more than anything to be expecting our baby.

Sometimes, I think the universe is a bitter old woman who likes to pick on us when we are vulnerable.

*I've been slightly obsessed with this word lately. I know. Lame.
** I like many of the tenets of this style. It appeals to my inner antiestablishment earth child.
*** Draw your own conclusions on what this means for thier marriage. We would be here all day if I were to expound on my own thoughts.
**** I am not a crier, so at this point I was just getting pissed with myself. I mean really. How many times am I going to cry about this? Enough already.

This came from Serenity's blog. Interestingly, I got the same result as Sarah.
I've taken the Keirsey Temperment Sorter, the Myers-Briggs, and each time I get the same result. Interesting to know that I can be summed up in about 76 questions!




Description:
ENFPs are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive. They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events. ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity. ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental.

I never would've thought . . .

You're Spain!

You like rain on the plain, as well as interesting architecture and
a diverse number of races and religions. You like to explore a lot, but sailing,
especially in large groups, never really seems to work out for you. Beware of pirates
and dictators bearing bombs. And for heavens' sake, stop running around bulls!
It's just not safe!


Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

I got this from niobe's blog. I never get tired of these.

because my favorite pasttime is armchair psychology

As I read blogs, I always notice the blogger's name. Sometimes, it is her (or his) real name, but often, an alias was chosen. I usually wonder what motivations were behind the selection.

Some variations I've noticed:
1. an homage to their personality in some fashion
2. a name that relates their infertility experience
3. something that has to do with pregnancy or babies
4. one that relates to literature
5. one that identifies them as a significant other
6. one that identifies them in relation to a location

I find it fascinating - why did you choose/how did you come up with your blogger name?

Thanks for asking about mine.
My name came from my behavior after a few drinkys, back in my 20s. My friends found it amusing, so one decided that this personality needed a name. My name isn't marie, but I was tipsy, so "tipsymarie" was born. Tipsymarie was funny, charming, wacky and totally entertaining. It reminds me of much happier and carefree times. Oh, how I miss you, tipsymarie! Maybe we will meet up again someday.

obsessiveness

Since we bought our house several years ago, our bedroom has looked the same. We never painted or bought new furniture, and just a few months ago, we finally took down the old owner's window treatments. They were this maroon synthetic silk with gold finials. Pretty bad, but it took us years to remove them. That got us going, and we painted it a little while later. I didn't like it as soon as we began to apply it - just didn't look right. I thought maybe it would grow on me. Then, the window treatments that I ordered came in, and I love them, but they look terrible with the paint. So, instead of ordering a different color, I want to repaint the whole room. I hate it when this happens, because D gets super pissed. So I didn't say anything, and then we painted the bathroom.
I.hate.it.
Today, I got some new paint swatches, um, about 20 of them, because I am going to repaint both the bedroom and bathroom.
And let me add that I hate painting, but I don't want to pay anyone to do something that easy.

This is what I obsess about when we aren't actively TTC.

Um, Bumble?

I just saw you are pwp on bloglines - please email me - tipsymarie at gmail dot com.

I hope everything is ok.

baby showers bring . . . not sadness, jealousy, grief or anger but happiness?! Huh?

I am so boring right now. We aren't really trying to get pg anymore*, just coasting. Actually, it is a load off, and I can focus on other things. Which is nice, I mean, I am so tired of thinking about my eggs/uterus/etc. I am excited to see the new wave of BFP's in the blogosphere, it gives me new hope. Ha ha! Hope. Now THAT'S funny.

Sooo, yeah. The baby shower.

One of my best friends has a baby shower coming up - she is due about two weeks later than I would've been if I hadn't miscarried. Now, you would think that:

1. I would be really sad and jealous just at the mere sight of her, with her cute round tummy. You know, because I would be comparing her with what I should look like had I not lost the baby.

2. Unable to cope with said sadness and jealousy, and not really talking to her.

3. Most def not going to the shower.

Nope. This is where I think I am some sort of infertile freak. I am not jealous. At all. In fact, I am really happy and excited for her. I am looking forward to her shower and helping out. It would've been really cool to be due together - we both got married two weeks apart, so having our babies that way would just be the icing on the cake. And the fact that I would've been pg without IVF or any other ART. You know, the whole pg thing is pretty nice for free.

But other than that, no. I am more than ok with it - I can't wait for the baby to get here.

And this is where it gets really weird. She was talking about how soon the baby would be here, and all the changes they would need to make in the house, how they spend money, when they go out socially, etc. And while she is overjoyed to be a mom, she was honestly freaked out about what was about to happen. And I was relieved it wasn't me. Relieved I wasn't the one sitting there, worrying where to put the baby furniture and how the dog will react and where will we get the money for _______ and on and on and on and on. Relieved.



WHAT?!!!

That's what I said, inside my head. Here I am, trying to get pg for over two years, spent thousands of dollars, two mc's, disappointment after disappointment, and I was relieved I am not the one who is pregnant??!!!!!!

Seriously. What the fuck is that? Have I gotten so far down the hole of IF I've come out the other side into some alternate universe?

*Not NOT trying. Just continuing to put of IVF until we have the money, or a reasonable way to get it. Which let me say, insurance in this state FUCKING SUCKS.

what's a girl to do?

I used to have loads of healthy self esteem in my early 20's. I was blessed with this partially because I discovered that I felt like an unstoppable force of feminine wile after a few drinks, so that made it easier to *heart* myself. I could talk to anyone, dazzling them with my coy charm - or so I thought. At any rate, boys noticed me and paid me lots of attention. This is when I met my husband - when I was on.

My teens, not so much. I always felt rather awkward and for lack of a better word, jumbly. I was teenage angst personified. I scowled as much as was possible for a well loved and supported 16 year old. I had a terrible case self doubt and hated my soft curves and slightly exotic appearance. I wanted nothing more than to be blonde, blue eyed and petite. Subsequently, I had a small flirty relationship with an eating disorder. She and I got along well, but eventually I had to tell her goodbye. High school for me was a mildly disturbing journey through both physical and social anxieties. I could never get the cute guy or master looking like I didn't care what others thought of me when I cared more than anything in the world.

This past weekend, D and I went to his class reunion. For the life of me, I did not understand why he would want to go, but he was all the things I was not. He actually enjoyed his time in adolescence. His ex girlfriend was there. She's all the things women dread in their husband's exes. Tall and lithe, naturally tan, dark long hair and a dazzling smile. Very flirty, and this is not a snarky thing, but could (and would) flirt with a lamppost. And make it look like a good idea. I noticed him looking at her several times - I couldn't tell if he was staring or just, you know, glancing about the room where she happened to be standing.

So the comparisons began between the two of us began in my dinged up psyche. She's this, I'm that, etc. All those feelings of inadequacy I thought I'd left far behind came back in a flood, but now with the added fun of actually being inadequate due to my piece of shit eggs. That mess was back, now with infertility and marital jealousy. Oh, what fun it was.

So I did what any self respecting infertile goddess would do - I had several glasses of wine, shook my hair down and took my husband for a little fun in the backseat of our car at the after party.

After all, I am good at some things.

N.ancy f'ing G.race* is pregnant?!

Is this real?

And yet my eggs are as useful at creating life as 10 year old K.roger bags? Wait.

I give up.


Not really.


But only because I am a self flagellating idiot who loves a challenge.


*I've never met her. I'm sure she is v.v. nice.

what's going on.

I am really bad at titles.

I started the acupuncture, and it turns out I am all kinds of fvcked up. It would've been pretty cool if she had actually said "Yep. You are all kinds of fucked up. Welcome."

She looked at my tongue, took my pulse, and palpated my abdomen and neck and shoulders for soreness. This has caused me to apply the same zeal to the color, shape and coating of my tongue that I used to apply to early pg symptoms. I palpate my abdomen as much as I used to poke my boobies. I'm not kidding. I must check about 10 times a day. That's probably not doing me any good. If it did, I would already have a child.

I don't know how i feel about the acupuncture just yet. Part of me thinks it's working, I feel less anxious, but not all the time. My I.B.S. is somewhat better, but not as good as it used to be when I had less stress. (And a considerably terrible diet.) I am going to definitely give it more time, this is only my second week. It is sooo relaxing, although sometimes it hurts when she places the needles. She said that's where I have stagnation. Apparently, I have a lot of that. Stagnation is caused in part by unfulfilled desires. Hmph. I might have some of those too. I've been reading The I.nfertility Cur.e, so I am trying to cut things out of my diet that might make my problem worse. Unfortunately, they are all things that taste really good.

I pretty much don't like many vegetables. Or brown rice. Or chicken. If I could, I would live on diary and refined carbs punctuated with protein offered by way of a cheeseburger. Oh, and co.ke and coffee. And vodka martinis with extra olives.

These days, I am trying to stuff as many veggies down my throat as I can, and considerably less of the bad stuff. I think the first thing I will do once I have a child is order some S.onic. Maybe. I don't think I can mix a drink while still in the maternity ward. I assume they frown on that kind of thing?

We had our consult with a new RE today. Henceforth, he will be known as Dr. Good.

Other options considered for names:
1. Dr. Lowtalk
2. Dr. New
3. Dr. Calmdemeanor
4. Dr. Reallyexplainsstuffwell
5. Dr. Thorough

Yeah. I liked Dr. Good the best too. It's simple, and gets to the point of why we liked him.

Dr. Good and his office staff were roughly 100 times more professional, soothing, and downright calming than my previous RE's office. He went over my entire chart (apparently, it was the longest they'd ever gotten by fax, still not sure if this was a backhanded complement or just an observation of my screwed upness, but anyway, anecdotally interesting), explaining what he would do and why, and what everything meant, and what our odds were if we proceed with IVF. Very thorough, very professional, great sense of humor. Talked to us like we had brains. It was truly refreshing and we felt that IVF with him would be, dare I say, not as anxiety inducing as I feared. We are definitely going with his practice. He was supportive of acupuncture and wanted me to continue with it. They actually tell their patients to use it to manage stress. All and all, it made us feel SO much better about the whole process, and instead of having a huge sense of dread about the whole thing, I can't wait to get started. It will be awhile though, because of the whole money issue. I just love insurance that doesn't cover much.

Wow. I feel pretty good.

I am so sorry to you

That you had to search for this on google:
no heartbeat at 6 week scan sac very small after ivf.

Because:
1. Your doctor wasn't as forthcoming as he or she should've been about your ultrasound. Don't we all know that familiar feeling?
2. You are all alone, looking for any comforting answer from Dr. Google.
3. There probably isn't one out there and instead you've scared yourself even more.
4. You made it all the way through IVF, and this is the outcome.

Honey, whoever you are, I hope this turns out OK.

And I hope you come back.

a case study in how infertility screws with really good friendships

1. she got pg on "accident" last sept.
2. they were in no way ready to be pg, her husband just "forgot" to pull out. or he did, and mysteriously she got pg anyway. that's the official story but I'm going with my hunch because he's said things like "what if i got you pg on purpose". right. what if.
3. she kept freaking out she was pg. what are we going to do, we can't afford it, we have to move out of this dump, etc. all i wanted to say was why didn't you use FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL!! but i didn't. 'cause i'm such a great friend.
4. instead, i kind of distanced myself from her for a little while, and stopped talking to her altogether when i got pg. because i was a mess, nervous and neurotic, and we weren't telling anyone because things always were on the verge of disaster. it was just too hard. we were barely functioning as it was.
5. and eventually, she said basically "why aren't you talking to me?" and i told her everything. the pg, mc, d&c. (how's that for an overuse of acronyms?)
6. she was completely understanding and quite possibly was the most supportive of any of my friends that found out. maybe that's not entirely fair, though, because i've kind of refused to talk about it unless someone gently shoves me to, and she did. and i am so grateful for it.
7. pg progresses totally normally. no issues, except for a mild case of gestational diabetes.
8. they induced her monday at 3. she had her baby at 8:30. 5.5 hours. she went home a day and a half later with a healthy little one.

What is the word for this? Envy? Jealousy? Maybe, I guess, but I don't FEEL spiteful or hateful or any of those things. I am happy their baby is here and healthy and they are doing well and have a bright future ahead for their new family.

Someone needs to create a word for this feeling and get it in W.ebster's Infertile Dictionary ASAP.

But first, I guess someone needs to write a W.ebster's Infertile Dictionary.

oh man. i am a giant ass.

Well, I called to reschedule the acupuncture appointment.

And she remembered me.

And said: "I had you scheduled for an hour(!)." What happened to you?" As in, you cost me an hour of business. I did call first, I wasn't a no show, but I guess I am so used to doctor's appointments that are double booked that I don't even think twice about it anymore.

She was very, very nice about it but I felt really bad.

So I told her I chickened out. She laughed and told me it was not as bad as I was thinking.

I am definately going back and making the appointment.

Really? A whole entire HOUR? I couldn't believe it. A whole hour to talk about my dysfunctional body. Sadly, I am super excited.

Yeah, I cancelled it.

But after reading everyone's comments, I am rescheduling the acupuncture appointment for some time next week.

Did I mention I had two relatively normal cycles IN A ROW?? The ovulation was decidedly not spectacular, but nonetheless, happened on a reasonable day. I am hoping for a tickertape parade this month, perhaps with appropriately timed sex and, if I'm feeling especially spunky and naively hopeful, pregnancy (like a for real one, not a repeat of the last two, thank you very much). How can one still be so naively hopeful after two years? I have not the faintest clue.

This massive dose of met.formin might be working, even though I am dealing with the GI side effects from hell. Still. Apparently at this dose they are here to stay.

wait! i'm not ready!!

I made an appointment with an acupuncturist today, and I am about to cancel it. Why? I am afraid of the unknown. It's really irrational, but it is what it is. It's the same fear that kept me from calling a new RE and making an appointment. That I actually did yesterday, and I am waiting for the new patient coordinator to call me back. I got this doctor's name from a friend of mine who did IVF last year and now has a 9 month old little girl, and she's starting all over again this SEPTEMBER. Nerves of steel this girl has. She said she liked this doc really well, and I trust her judgment. So, we are going, hopefully soon. Ah! Why am I nervous??? We've been at this for 2 years.

I am such a scaredy cat.

some things that might be problems if we ever manage to actually have a baby

1. I don't have that baby holding gene that all women except myself (and A.ngelina J0lie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith) have. I get all stiff and freaked out when someone hands me a baby. I have actually said "no" when someone asks "Do you want to hold _______?"

2. I have NO freaking idea how to button a onesie. What is with all those damn snaps?????? I see zippers in my future.

3. I have only changed a diaper ONCE, and it wasn't messy. And it was roughly one month ago.

4. The idea of breastfeeding scares the hell out of me.


Well, I guess four things is not that bad.

In other news, we are not doing another IUI this summer. We decided just to wait and save our money and sanity for the IVF later this year. And, we are getting second and third opinions this summer. For some reason, this was a difficult decision for me to make. Seems like common sense but it was hard to even admit that maybe other ideas might be out there.

i promise to write a real entry soon, but until then i'm considering myself tagged . . .

I have been so so busy. The last of the school year is my least favorite time. Too many loose ends that all have to be tied up NOW. Urgh. I will write a real post later this weekend.

If you haven't already, please go and congratulate Bumble. Yea!!!!



MEME INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.

1. Life Lemons
2. Thinking Out Loud
3. Are We There Yet?
4. Max's Mommy
5. The Follie Files

Next select five people to tag: Anyone who reads this and wants to do it, consider yourselves tagged.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Living in a college town, partying and rarely going to class. Not a care in the world. Those were the days.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
On a break from TTC, looking forward to the summer.


Five snacks you enjoy:
1. guacamole
2. yogurt
3. potato chips
4. nuts of any kind
5. white cheddar popcorn

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. Wish You Were Here -- Pink Floyd
2. I Can't Wait -- Nu Shooz. In 5th grade, this was my SONG. Skate night lives!
3. Where is my Mind? -- Pixies
4. Waiting for the Bus -- Violent Femmes
5. Just a Friend -- Biz Markie

Five things you would do if you were a millionairebillionaire (A million doesn't buy a lot these days):
1. open an animal rescue farm
2. fix healthcare
3. quit my job (actually, i would still work part time.)
I don't even think I have 5!!

Five bad habits:
1. impulse control
2. drinking (it's hard for me to just have one or two)
3. smoking (no, not anymore but i still think about it regularly.)
4. temper tantrums
5. potty mouth/gossipping

Five things you like doing:
1. driving. I know it's weird. You don't have to tell me. It just always feels good to be going somewhere.
2. sleeping
3. talking. i am a conversation addict.
4. reading
5. taking my dog for walks in the park

Five things you would never wear again:
1. stirrup pants
2. anything with brand logos plastered all over it.
3. black or really dark purple lipstick. what can i say? i was an angst ridden teen in the early 90s.
4. super high platforms
5. fishnets. please see number 3.

Five favorite toys:
Um . . .I don't really have any toys (no, not even one of THOSE), so I will try.
1. BopIt
2. any card games
i think that's it.

so much for taking a break

The urge, the wemustdoitNOWitistherighttime, hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I don't know why. I am no longer scared, worried about what might happen - well, yes, I still am, but not MORE than I want to do it - the big one - IVF.

I spent a lot of time last night on IVF connections Atlanta board reading patient referrals of doctors and clinics in my area. And, it turns out I might be right where I need to be. My clinic is the most affordable (which I know should not be my deciding factor, but I have to admit, the $8,000 difference between mine and the one I was considering is certainly an issue) and the shared risk program at my clinic actually allows for more FET's. Ha! I am assuming we will get that far. Who knows. Additionally, my doc got the following comments:

1. "Blunt, and a little weird, but you never have to wonder if he's sugar coating anything."
2. "Told me straight out how things were - did not get my hopes up unnecessarily."
3. "I went to him after frustration at my old clinic (the one I was considering) because they did not know how to treat my PCOS."
4. "He is a nationally recognized expert on PCOS."
5. "His bedside manner leaves much to be desired, but I don't care as long as I can get pg."

Ok. That last one was mine.

So, maybe I do have it good - I do not like sunshine and rainbows, and I do agree with the comments. And, I've been told he is a trailblazer on the treatment of PCOS.
Also, my doc does everything - from monitoring to retrieval to transfer. He answers emails on vacation. (I've never emailed him on vacation, but I've heard he does do this.) You are also assigned a nurse that stays with you the entire treatment cycle and beyond. And they always call me ASAP to answer any trite and silly question I have. I thought these things were the norm, but at the big fancy clinic, it is not. You rotate through the nurses and doctors, and I do NOT like the thought of that. So . . . yeah.

I am on day 17 of a ???? cycle, I don't think I've even ovulated yet. I saw some weird EWCM-esque stuff for a couple of days, but who knows what that means. For me, it doesn't mean a lot. So, I am calling next week to get it all going.

Holy crap!

We are really going to do this thing.

P.S. I finally used spellcheck. Hooray for me!

P.P.S. C, I have two more weeks with the little buggers. I am actually going to miss them! This happens every year. By Feb/March, I am pulling my hair out and I cannot WAIT for the summer, and then May gets here, and I realize I am going to miss them. I am probably going to cry the last day of school or something silly like that.

random musings

There is no coherency to this post, just felt like writing.

1. I talked to my IUI nurse today, well, actually, she left a message. There is a protocol in place, but nothing can get going until I have a pap smear and repeat labs for me and D. I know WHY, but I'm already overextended right now and I just don't feel like going through all the tests again. But seriously, it's making me get pap smears about once a year, which is good.

2. One of my best friends just told me she's pregnant. 13 weeks, and they've heard the heartbeat and things look good. Of course, I am sad and happy at the same time, to which I know we are all familiar. Especially since she's had two previous mc's before this, which is why she waited so long to tell me. I responded with a trillion questions of course, because I like all the details, and she wrote back that she was so relieved I was happy for her. That made me really, really sad, that it even was something she was worried about. It's the happiest she's been in a very very long time, and yet my infertility was a source of sadness for her. The only thing I could think to muster was as flat and shallow as a "Sorry, man."; so I decided to repeat how happy I am for her and her husband. Can't go wrong there, I guess.

3. It's nearing the end of the school year, and I don't remember ever being so ready for the summer. No, not because I will lounge about in La P.erla all day, being fed grapes and having angels brush my silken hair, as all teachers are wont to do in our summers, but because I can focus on my health regimen. Of what this means exactly I do not know, but it sounds really good. Health regimen. As in, do not mess with me and my health regimen.

4. D and I have finally reached a really wonderful place in our relationship, so if you really love each other, it can work. I hate to get all Pollyanna on your asses, but I believe it to be true. I was thinking on the way to work today about everything that has happened since we got married, and no wonder. It's a whole mess of stuff. I will share this later when I stop being so paranoid about who will read this on the internet, or perhaps more specifically, when I stop being so paranoid about getting real. Thanks Dr. Phil, I know I have a problem "getting real". I am still not really sure what this means, but I do know after several glasses of a nice Pinot Noir, I can spill all the details of my emotional issues like . . . {insert the simile of your choice here from the options below}

a. cool water spilling forth freely from a clear crystal carafe
b. an boisterous, wriggling puppy breaking from your embrace to lick you silly
c. slippery, shiny intestines spilling out of a carcass

That last one just would not leave my head. Maybe too much late night Animal.Planet, maybe a little subconscious action. Wonder what that means about the way I view my emotions. Messy? Check. Rather not see it? Check. Totally want to avoid the experience all together? Check.

So, what about some of you? Are you iffy about giving emotional details or are you comfortable delving into your psyches?

wanna talk about it?

How weird is it to have an infertility blog and yet NOT want to write about your own infertility? So, there is much I have not been sharing due to my inability to write about it - I am not sure of why, but I am certain that it probably isn't a good reason.

Dr. E ran a panel of clotting disorders (because I asked, and I asked specifically for a thrombophilia panel) and it all came back normal. I am not sure what exactly I was tested for, but he seemed to think there was no reason to suspect I had a problem here. Which makes me wonder what all was tested, and when they called with the results, I was in the middle of class, so I could not exactly get the specifics. Yet another reason i am getting a second opinion - I've had two mc's, and yes, my eggs totally suck it which is probably the whole issue. Call me high matenance, but I would like some reassurance before jumping into IVF with PGD I don't have yet another problem.

Speaking of the problem of not talking while at work, do any of your nurses/drs email you results? This would be a huge bonus to me. It would save so much hassle. They probably don't, citing HIPPA or something.

We've also decided to give a medicated IUI one more try this summer. We've technically only done two, and I got pregnant one of those two times, so it seems like a good idea to try it ONE MORE TIME. We are going to go ahead with Dr. E since we've been with him for two years now, and get the second opinions on IVF this summer as well. I am pretty sure I want to go elsewhere for that. Especially now after seeing the group does not have any data on the CDC website for the last year. Even when they did, the success rates were not spectacular - I know you aren't supposed to use these as comparisons, but . . . doesn't everyone do that anyway?

It looks like we will be doing the IUI next cycle after this one, which will be the 4th cycle after the mc. Seems like good timing.

Why not, right?

ohmygodijustate3avocados and I've been tagged

Three is a lot, but i should explain they were mashed up with lime juice and salt - i think some people call it "guacamole" - and eaten with roughly half a bag of tortilla chips. They were organic blue corn, so it's ok.

What is good about this:
1. avocados are high in good fat
2. it is totally delicious
3. i am no longer craving avocados, lime juice, salt and chips

What is bad about this:
1. avocados are high in fat
2. i ate all the ones i bought so now i have to go back to the store
3. now i am craving something sweet

In other news, this past weekend I set up a nature area in our yard. I know that sounds really lame, even as i type it, it does not get any cooler. But, I like the birds chirping happily in the morning so in order to attract more i put out two feeders and a bath. So there is currently like 20 pounds of bird feed in the back yard, because squirrel proof feeders come in Sam's Club sizes and i needed two to balance out the thing I got to hang them from. i also have a finch feeder and a bird bath.

Ah, the concrete bird bath . . . yeah. That was fun in the broiling heat yesterday trying to get it out of the home depot. As i was standing in line, roasting in the heat, a metformin attack hit me. It may be because I ate a quarter pounder with cheese a few hours earlier, but no fries! Yea for me on that one, thought I'd outsmarted the whole metformin issue. No luck. If you take metformin, you know the panic this induces. Do I leave the line and try to find the restroom with a ridiculously heavy concrete bird bath on my cart? I look inside to see a wall of people. How can I navigate the masses with the cart I can barely push? Do I hope this is just a false alarm? Do I pray and hope I make it home? My eyes darted, looking for a quick get away, but there isn't one. I wanted to scream "Hurry the fuck UP, people! Really, you will regret it if you don't!" but I didn't. This is a tricky game. As my sweating exponentially increased and my heart raced with dread, I remembered I was only wearing workout shorts because I forgot to run the load of laundry with panties. Now, you know enough to truly embarrass me. Yes, I was about to have what can only be described as a butt explosion in the middle of the home depot garden area and I wasn't even wearing any damned panties.

I decided what will be will be, and I am NOT leaving this line, and I AM getting this freaking bird bath into my car, butt explosion or not. It is really too bad metformin doesn't even work for me, and when I mention it to my RE, he says I should be on it anyway. I would be willing to bet if he had to take it, things might just be a little different. Did I tell you I am getting a second opinion? Mainly for this reason. I do not want to take the met anymore.

Everything worked out fine, in case you are still reading this. If you are, bless you.

*******************

Thank you, reality, for the tag. I am pretty sure some of these people have been already, I am doing it again.

Jess at The Problem with Hope (pwp): A couple of years ago, I found her blog doing a search for something IF related. I didn't even know IF blogs existed. I read her whole blog from the beginning. She blows away any stereotypes you have of early 20 somethings, both on the IF front and in other ways as well. Currently, she's expecting from her second IVF (it's v. v. early) AND she and her husband are in the process of adopting a little girl! Oh my. This should make for an interesting blog! For someone who has waited and prayed as long as Jess, it seems as if it's all coming true at once for her.

C at Theoneliner: A shout out to a fellow ATL'er. I love her writing style, and she is so very open about the mental struggles that go along with the IF struggle. She is hilarious, (i guess hence the name theoneliner) and hers was the second or third blog I lurked on regularly before coming out. And, I have her to thank for those of you that read, because she put me out there in support right away. Thanks man!

decemberbaby at "Of Course You'll Get Pregnant!": I identified with her right away because she had just miscarried as well, and she writes about her home improvement projects, which I also love. She seems like someone I would just be friends with anyway irl, and would just happen to have IF in common just because. Isn't it funny how you can tell that about someone just by reading? On second thought, maybe it's not.

Anns at "A Brief History of 'You'": Her determination to get pg after a 10 week miscarriage was what got me reading in the beginning. At the end of each cycle, I kept checking in . . .and then success a few weeks ago. But now, things aren't looking too good. Much the same as my early ultrasound, so I remember that devastation all to well. She needs everyone's support right now.

bumble at "Me the Bumblebee": I just love the way she writes. And, she is young like me, and has a lot of difficulty getting here, and we can all identify with that. She writes about her husband's view on things and how hard that is on her, and it is palpable how much she wants all of this to just be over - her latest post is especially heartbreaking. I always keep going back to her quote "Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway."
Doesn't that just say it all?

Warning: I am about to sound like a giant bitch.

So, if you don't like hearing bitchy musings, stop reading now. I just read a post over at Carrie's blog about her husband's response to IVF. Now, I do want to say D has been great for the most part, most of the time. To say infertility puts stress on your relationship is the understatement of the century. So, this isn't a complaint about him as it is a ranting diatribe on how hard treatments are on a woman's body. That's something I don't see talked about often, or maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.

Let's think about this. We are told by a doctor in a very clinical, cold and impersonal setting (sometimes whilst on our backs with our legs spread, business open to the world) that the only way to biological children will be administering sythetic horomones to ourselves whose safety is yet unproven. This is usually because there is something wrong with our reproductive systems anyway - things that already put us at a greater risk for cancer (endo and pcos). So to me, adding synthetic horomones to the mix is like adding fuel to the fire, right? Well, my RE assures me, no, this is not true. I remain hesitant at best. It's not his body after all - really - what does he care if I end up with cancer later in life? He won't know know unless I tell him, assuming he's still around.

Then, if the treatment is IVF, we continue this regimen of horomones for several days, during which our lives are completely disrupted by attending countless monitoring appointments, always scheduled at some ludicrously early hour of the morning so we may make it to work relatively on time, blood draws, and trying to take update calls at work in the afternoons. During this, we are bloated, tired, anxious, on edge, emotional, as our estrogen levels are pushed to some out of control limits. That can't be good. Oh, what's that? You exercise to relieve stress? Well, you can forget about that too. All of this while we still at least attempt to continue working, maintaining the house, attending to the needs of friends and family, and nuturing the marriage. Becuase if you're like me, getting the "It's a Woman's Job" manual at the onset of puberty, all of these things, are, in fact, a Woman's Job. Even if she is sick. Even if she is tired. Even if she is having a nervous breakdown. Even if.

If after all of this you are lucky enough to produce a good number of eggs, then it's time for the Retrieval. During this lovely procedure, a long needle is inserted through your cervix, into your uterus, where a hole is punctured in the uterine wall so they may aspirate the follicles sitting atop your ovaries to retrieve your eggs. Don't worry, you will be asleep. Hopefully, this will happen over the weekend, so you won't be missing any work. But don't count on it. You have no control, you are at the mercy of your reproductive organs that have betrayed you many times before. Not reliable. So plan on missing a couple of days.

After all of this, you hope for some mature eggs. Some that will fertilize. With ICSI? Without ICSI? You may or may not know. What is your husband's one contribution? Jacking off in a cup. Yep. That's right. You've put your body through hell, your life has been turned upside down, and your husband has to masturbate. Have an orgasm.* Something you haven't been able to do, and won't be able to do for at least 2 more weeks if not several more months. If you are "lucky".

Now, you are ready for the Big Day. The Transfer. It's not too bad, really, the transfer. You are filled with hope as the tiny blastocysts are placed inside. You think, maybe this is it. Or if you're like me, This better damn well be it. Now, you are the lucky recepient of PIO in your ass for the next two weeks, and maybe longer if you're pregnant. I hope you like painful bruising.
Oh, and it has to be administered 2x a day, so make sure you can work it out with your schedule.

Finally the wait is up. Are you or aren't you? Either prospect seems equally terrifying, and you may be wondering what the hell you just did to yourself. Are you REALLY ready for this, be it another round of IVF or a pregnancy? If you are pregnant, how many are in there? Will it/they make it? Will you make it?

And then, some well meaning, albeit completely emotionally stupid soul asks, "why don't you just adopt?"

*I know it's hard on men too. I get that they are torn emotionally between wanting to "fix it" and being supportive and detatching themselves from time to time because it's just too damn painful. I know that masturbating in a doctor's office while looking at well used porn is far from ideal. This is just me being well, just annoyed/pissed off/downright angry with how one sided fertility treatments tend to be. And I'm not man bashing here. I like them fine.