Thursday, June 28, 2007

N.ancy f'ing G.race* is pregnant?!

Is this real?

And yet my eggs are as useful at creating life as 10 year old K.roger bags? Wait.

I give up.

Not really.

But only because I am a self flagellating idiot who loves a challenge.

*I've never met her. I'm sure she is v.v. nice.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

what's going on.

I am really bad at titles.

I started the acupuncture, and it turns out I am all kinds of fvcked up. It would've been pretty cool if she had actually said "Yep. You are all kinds of fucked up. Welcome."

She looked at my tongue, took my pulse, and palpated my abdomen and neck and shoulders for soreness. This has caused me to apply the same zeal to the color, shape and coating of my tongue that I used to apply to early pg symptoms. I palpate my abdomen as much as I used to poke my boobies. I'm not kidding. I must check about 10 times a day. That's probably not doing me any good. If it did, I would already have a child.

I don't know how i feel about the acupuncture just yet. Part of me thinks it's working, I feel less anxious, but not all the time. My I.B.S. is somewhat better, but not as good as it used to be when I had less stress. (And a considerably terrible diet.) I am going to definitely give it more time, this is only my second week. It is sooo relaxing, although sometimes it hurts when she places the needles. She said that's where I have stagnation. Apparently, I have a lot of that. Stagnation is caused in part by unfulfilled desires. Hmph. I might have some of those too. I've been reading The I.nfertility Cur.e, so I am trying to cut things out of my diet that might make my problem worse. Unfortunately, they are all things that taste really good.

I pretty much don't like many vegetables. Or brown rice. Or chicken. If I could, I would live on diary and refined carbs punctuated with protein offered by way of a cheeseburger. Oh, and and coffee. And vodka martinis with extra olives.

These days, I am trying to stuff as many veggies down my throat as I can, and considerably less of the bad stuff. I think the first thing I will do once I have a child is order some S.onic. Maybe. I don't think I can mix a drink while still in the maternity ward. I assume they frown on that kind of thing?

We had our consult with a new RE today. Henceforth, he will be known as Dr. Good.

Other options considered for names:
1. Dr. Lowtalk
2. Dr. New
3. Dr. Calmdemeanor
4. Dr. Reallyexplainsstuffwell
5. Dr. Thorough

Yeah. I liked Dr. Good the best too. It's simple, and gets to the point of why we liked him.

Dr. Good and his office staff were roughly 100 times more professional, soothing, and downright calming than my previous RE's office. He went over my entire chart (apparently, it was the longest they'd ever gotten by fax, still not sure if this was a backhanded complement or just an observation of my screwed upness, but anyway, anecdotally interesting), explaining what he would do and why, and what everything meant, and what our odds were if we proceed with IVF. Very thorough, very professional, great sense of humor. Talked to us like we had brains. It was truly refreshing and we felt that IVF with him would be, dare I say, not as anxiety inducing as I feared. We are definitely going with his practice. He was supportive of acupuncture and wanted me to continue with it. They actually tell their patients to use it to manage stress. All and all, it made us feel SO much better about the whole process, and instead of having a huge sense of dread about the whole thing, I can't wait to get started. It will be awhile though, because of the whole money issue. I just love insurance that doesn't cover much.

Wow. I feel pretty good.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I am so sorry to you

That you had to search for this on google:
no heartbeat at 6 week scan sac very small after ivf.

1. Your doctor wasn't as forthcoming as he or she should've been about your ultrasound. Don't we all know that familiar feeling?
2. You are all alone, looking for any comforting answer from Dr. Google.
3. There probably isn't one out there and instead you've scared yourself even more.
4. You made it all the way through IVF, and this is the outcome.

Honey, whoever you are, I hope this turns out OK.

And I hope you come back.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

a case study in how infertility screws with really good friendships

1. she got pg on "accident" last sept.
2. they were in no way ready to be pg, her husband just "forgot" to pull out. or he did, and mysteriously she got pg anyway. that's the official story but I'm going with my hunch because he's said things like "what if i got you pg on purpose". right. what if.
3. she kept freaking out she was pg. what are we going to do, we can't afford it, we have to move out of this dump, etc. all i wanted to say was why didn't you use FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL!! but i didn't. 'cause i'm such a great friend.
4. instead, i kind of distanced myself from her for a little while, and stopped talking to her altogether when i got pg. because i was a mess, nervous and neurotic, and we weren't telling anyone because things always were on the verge of disaster. it was just too hard. we were barely functioning as it was.
5. and eventually, she said basically "why aren't you talking to me?" and i told her everything. the pg, mc, d&c. (how's that for an overuse of acronyms?)
6. she was completely understanding and quite possibly was the most supportive of any of my friends that found out. maybe that's not entirely fair, though, because i've kind of refused to talk about it unless someone gently shoves me to, and she did. and i am so grateful for it.
7. pg progresses totally normally. no issues, except for a mild case of gestational diabetes.
8. they induced her monday at 3. she had her baby at 8:30. 5.5 hours. she went home a day and a half later with a healthy little one.

What is the word for this? Envy? Jealousy? Maybe, I guess, but I don't FEEL spiteful or hateful or any of those things. I am happy their baby is here and healthy and they are doing well and have a bright future ahead for their new family.

Someone needs to create a word for this feeling and get it in W.ebster's Infertile Dictionary ASAP.

But first, I guess someone needs to write a W.ebster's Infertile Dictionary.

Monday, June 4, 2007

oh man. i am a giant ass.

Well, I called to reschedule the acupuncture appointment.

And she remembered me.

And said: "I had you scheduled for an hour(!)." What happened to you?" As in, you cost me an hour of business. I did call first, I wasn't a no show, but I guess I am so used to doctor's appointments that are double booked that I don't even think twice about it anymore.

She was very, very nice about it but I felt really bad.

So I told her I chickened out. She laughed and told me it was not as bad as I was thinking.

I am definately going back and making the appointment.

Really? A whole entire HOUR? I couldn't believe it. A whole hour to talk about my dysfunctional body. Sadly, I am super excited.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Yeah, I cancelled it.

But after reading everyone's comments, I am rescheduling the acupuncture appointment for some time next week.

Did I mention I had two relatively normal cycles IN A ROW?? The ovulation was decidedly not spectacular, but nonetheless, happened on a reasonable day. I am hoping for a tickertape parade this month, perhaps with appropriately timed sex and, if I'm feeling especially spunky and naively hopeful, pregnancy (like a for real one, not a repeat of the last two, thank you very much). How can one still be so naively hopeful after two years? I have not the faintest clue.

This massive dose of met.formin might be working, even though I am dealing with the GI side effects from hell. Still. Apparently at this dose they are here to stay.