Saturday, August 25, 2007

on overthinking

I started this post over a week ago, and was too tired to finish it. I know I have been the worst blogger ever, but when you aren't cycling or doing anything at all in that area, life just takes over and I stop thinking about IT. But not really, of course.
I really, really hesitated to post this blog. It cuts to a lot of issues about IVF we rarely discuss. I never see them written about in other blogs or message boards, which always makes me wonder if it's just me that thinks these things or that many of us do but don't talk about them. If you choose to read, know that I am only looking for guidance and nothing more. I am truly and utterly confused by my own thoughts and need some advice.


I have many bad thinking habits, and probably the one of the worst is a tendency to overthink and overanalyze things. It's strange, because that requires a great deal of concentration - but my other thinking bad habit would have to be my AD.D. I never took R,italin, and it seems silly to start that now. I've figured out ways to make my absentmindedness cooky and charming rather than irritating (at least, I would like to think so). It seems to bewilder others so much they stop trying to figure out why someone could forget to shave one leg or get lost on the way to the grocery store (yes. I really did that. That story is for another day.) that they just give up and laugh right along with me.

I've never applied my overanalyzation to IVF, at least not consciously. But I'm fairly certain I've been doing it all along. We were told over a year ago that it was really our only option for a healthy child. But something has been nagging at me this entire time - hence the constant procrastination.

When I think of IVF, I think of sharpness, cold, pain. Really, it makes me think of a large collection of cold steel needles - if IVF could manifest itself, that's what it would be to me. It's such a harsh sounding acronym. I am in no hurry to take the plunge. I feel like it's something we must do to say we've done everything possible to have our own biological children. For a very long time, this was as important to me as it was to my husband.

Then one day, it became less important than" just" being a mom. The more and more I thought about IVF, the less and less I want to actually go through with it. It's incredibly confusing really - some days, I am just so SURE it will work, so SURE it's the right thing to do, and then others I feel the exact and total opposite. And I start to wonder if it's really even worth the money, time, emotional stress. Is it really worth it?

I just don't know.

I feel like I have to do it, to give D a shot at having his biological children. Something I should probably discuss is the fact our new doctor wants me to do a C.lomid C.hallenge Test. He's concerned that my previous poor response to injectibles and the two chromosomally abnormal miscarriages might be due to an even bigger problem. I knew that was coming, the writing was on the wall. A 28 yr old PCOS patient in otherwise good health doesn't have a poor response to meds unless something else is very wrong. And that was two years ago. But I don't KNOW this yet because I haven't actually DONE the test. And no medical professional has mentioned a donor, so it's really nothing I can stress over right now - and even if we use a donor, the big questions are still there.

At this point, it is what it is, and I would rather know before going ahead with IVF.

And then there is the whole issue on which we completely, utterly, totally disagree.

First let me say I wasn't raised in church, and even after all of this difficulty, I am pro-choice. I am not a particularly religious person by any means, and that is why this whole train of thought has thrown me completely off balance. I am fairly liberal in every area of my life, which let me say is quite a feat as I was raised in a small town in the South.
And then these completely foreign thoughts started creeping in. I mean, isn't this complicated enough as it is? I certainly think so, but my brain thinks otherwise.
Whew. Ok, let's get down to the issue.
I can't shake the feeling that something just isn't right about our possible children getting their first starts at life in a lab, floating in a culture medium. And that some of them will arrest in development and die. And if they make it far enough, they could die in my womb. What if we have some left over and they aren't deemed suitable for freezing? By standards that can vary widely from clinic to clinic? What happens to them? Do they go out with the lab waste? I know they do, and I don't think I could bear the thought. What if we do freeze some, and they don't make it though the thaw? Did we inadvertently kill them? What if we decide we don't want any more children (I know, ha ha that I'm even thinking this), and we do have some on ice, if you will - what do we do with them? D says donate them to science, or donate them to another couple. I cannot donate to science, even though it might mean being part of a cure for my mother's cancer - and to another couple? I can't wrap my head around complete strangers raising my child. Just can't.


How do I reconcile creating many lives, some that may die, in the hopes of creating some so we can have our children? D says he doesn't think of it like this, but I can't think of it any other way.

What in the fucking fuck do I do now?

And WHERE is my A.DD when I need it?

Saturday, August 18, 2007

feminism can suck on my big toe.

I got all fired up after reading this post at anns' blog. There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that was relatively stress free. I went to work and then came home and relaxed with a glass of wine. I had roommates for years. Truly, it was the best living arrangement. I got to live with my best friends, only had to worry about feeding myself, cleaning up after myself, when I was ready to go to bed, turning off the lights and never having to put the proverbial toilet seat down. No one ever asked What are we doing for dinner, Is my so-and-so clean, have you seen ___________, etc.

And then I fell in love with the most wonderful (and I am just going to say, hottest man) and got married.

And so here we are. I get up every morning at 5 or 5:30. First thing I do is make coffee, which I've recently started drinking again. I know, I know, caffeine = bad. But I love it. Sometimes I do the dishes or some laundry. D sleeps a little later and gets in the shower, gets ready and leaves for work. We both have the same job, and the same responsibilities, and make the same salary. We both leave work at about the same time, 5 or so. So, our work days are about 9 or 10 hours. That's not counting what we do at home almost every night - email, grading, etc.

After work, he runs. I try and decide what we're eating for dinner. Usually, that means going to the store because we're trying to eat out less. Then I come home and cook. He comes home and sits down and talks to me while I'm cooking or watches TV or takes a shower. We eat. He does some work. I clean the kitchen. Then I do some work. We go to bed. I try and go to sleep with the light on because he likes to read.

Sounds like fun, no?

We don't have a housecleaner, because we don't want to spend the money, so the only time to really clean is the weekend. So I will do that but not as often as it needs. We have a fairly large house, which we bought because we were going to have kids soon. Ha. So it takes almost the whole day. Sometimes, he will help me clean, but honestly, he doesn't really clean. So that means at some point I have to go behind him. Which I hate to do. It makes me feel like my mother. But I can't stand the bathroom all gross if I've actually found the motivation to clean. And if you don't clean it for several months and then just sort of clean it, yeah. You get the picture.

He does all the major yardwork which is a huge job, but honestly, it's only 7 months out of the year. He helps out with the laundry too. It's not like he is some caveman or something, but it still doesn't feel like we have "equal responsibilities".

Before I continue, let me just say I absolutely adore my husband and love him so very much. I wouldn't change anything about getting married.
Its all me for the daily stuff. And I hate it. I really do. I resent this whole arrangement to no end. It's just not fair. We work the same hours. I want to come home and relax. I want to run after work with friends (if I had any that ran, which I do not. They are either pregnant or have little babies.) I want to not worry about whether the bathrooms are clean, if we have clean dishes, do we have milk, bread, and on and on.

I know many of you are thinking "Can't you both switch off day to day things?" Well, we've done it for awhile, and then it always ends up falling apart. He's just not going to remember. And it's not going to change.

What the hell am I going to do if we actually have children?? I can't even wrap my brain around that one.

So this brings me to my biggest complaint. Feminism.
But first here is my disclaimer:
I think the feminist movement was wholly necessary and needed, please understand that. But women's roles have morphed into the everythingcaretaker-corportateladderclimber-roommother-breastfeeder-teardabber-cooker-lovemaker-and on and on.

Sure, the workplace is substantially more equal than 30 years ago, but guess what?? That's where it ends. We still have the children, nurse the babies, and, lets face it, take care of our husbands to varying degrees. We still end up falling into the roles of our grandmothers ON TOP OF taking on more and more at work, because we were all told we could do it all.

I suppose the argument here is we have the option to do it all, and our grandmothers didn't.

But I don't so much think it's optional anymore. I certainly don't feel as though it is.
Just about every woman I work with is either on antidepressants or antianxiety medication. They are constantly stressed, and will freely admit they have not one ounce of time for themselves. One is going through a divorce, and told me the other day how nice it was to go home and just take care of her two kids and herself on her own schedule. Once she puts them to bed, she has the evening to herself. She's reveling in all this free time.
I am I the only one that finds that sad and depressing?

So here we are, 30 years later, and I just don't think anyone is necessarily happier for it. Women tear each other apart on childraising strategies, breastfeeding, cesareans vs. vaginal births, natural vs. medicated, and on and on and on. There is no feeling of common sisterhood among the general female population. We are so busy competing at the workplace and trying to do it all in general, it's spilled over into our collective female conscience.

While I don't want to quit my job and stay at home, even if we have children, I just want things to be less . . . .contentious and competitive among women.

I am tired of trying to do it all, and I've still got quite a ways to go.

Screw complete independence.

Sometimes, I just want someone to take care of me.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

it turns out I am human after all.

I apologize for not commenting on any of your blogs this week (and most of last week). Work started back, and I have been extremely busy. Since I work in education, I feel a little weird writing about what goes on at work, but suffice it to say, it is a really difficult job sometimes, and the pay doesn't exactly reflect that fact. After I graduated, I chose between law school and graduate school in education, and sometimes, I wonder why I didn't choose law. Really, I wonder. More on that some other time.
Alright. Let's move on to the entertaining stuff.

Remember this silliness? The shower for my friend who is due two weeks after I would've been was yesterday. For your reading ease, I've broken down the experience into three parts: before, during, after.

I went to get the gift after work on Thursday, and of course they were registered at Target, the scene of an already embarrassing breakdown. I got the gift and then went to pick out the card and wrapping accouterments*. It was filled, I mean filled, with adorable stuff for babies, baby showers, new moms, puppies, kittens, little balls of sunshine, and the obligatory fairies. There was a lilt of lilac in the air, and a cool breeze flirted with the hairs on my neck. Oh, how I do love Target.

As I was deciding what wrapping paper style and color scheme to choose, which I must say was not easy as there were about a trillion choices, I started crying. Really crying. Not just a little tear here or there. It was awful. I still had to buy the freaking R.ainforest J.umperoo and the card, which I still had to pick out.
Question: How in the fuck I am I going to pick out a card if the wrapping paper is making me cry?
Answer: By continuing to cry, accidentally getting snot on some of the cards, choosing one that you would like to receive at your own baby shower, somehow magically collecting yourself (perhaps from the helpful fairies?) and getting the hell out of there.

At this point, I need to talk about AP. AP is the friend who hosted the shower at the mama's house. AP has an adorable one year old boy, C, and a doting, sweet husband. She is a stay at home mom and is a big proponent of a.ttachment p.arenting**. While I am certain she has problems, just like everyone else, to me her life looks pretty damn close to perfect. She belittles her husband in front of him and us (which is so incredibly AWKWARD) and complains about how hard it is to parent in this style ALL THE TIME. Last night, I was curious and read about attachment parenting, and I thought many parts of it sound great, but she is taking many of the philosophies to the extreme. She never sets C down, really, never. They sleep in the floor with him, and to my knowledge, they have not had sex since she was about 6 months pregnant***. They don't use a stroller. They don't put him in the car unless he is sleeping because he cries as he does not like the car, so consequently, they don't go anywhere unless it's his nap time, which may or may not happen on any given day. Yesterday, she was about an hour late because C didn't go to sleep, and as he was still sleeping in the car when they got there, her husband stayed in the car with him so he would not be awoken upon being removed from the car. He was out there about an hour by himself while the rest of us where inside talking and visiting. The men went to play golf while we had the shower, but her husband stayed behind in a back bedroom because C "doesn't feel comfortable around other people" and the only way to keep him happy is to have one or both parents with him at all times. And really, C he doesn't, including his grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I assume this is because they will not allow him to become upset, so he's accustomed to being held indefinitely by his parents, and as a result has virtually no attachment to anyone else, nor any real curiosity about others. He rarely smiled at the other children at the party, nor the adults, and sadly, was so attached to AP he missed out on a lot of things most one year olds would enjoy. I've known AP for many years, and I have my own reasons on why she needs to be needed so much, and I don't think she's aware of why she's doing this to her son, or what the implications will be for him as he grows. So, I keep my mouth shut because it is not my child, my husband or my life.

Still reading?

AP knows how long we've been trying to get pregnant. She doesn't know about the miscarriages or the treatments we've been through, but she knows how long it's been. And, she is L&D nurse, so she has an intimate understanding of the female reproductive system and pregnancy.
Questions/comments I was asked/told by her yesterday:
1. Wow, your and D's kids will be so hairy! (as an aside, WTF?? I am not that hairy.)
2. You will carry well because you are tall.
3. You and D's kids will be so tall!
4. Have you thought about whether you will work or not after you have your kids?
5. And my personal favorite that doesn't have anything to do with the above: as she arrived an hour late - You look so cute! I didn't recognize you!

At this point, I reminded her we've been trying for over 2 years now, so we will just have to see. And she still did not fucking get the hint. By the time D came back from playing golf, I was sitting on the couch, staring intently at the television. I was afraid to talk otherwise I might cry. Eventually, we were alone in the kitchen, and he gently asked if I was upset, and at that point I went into the bathroom and cried a little. Then we got the hell out of there.

I cried AGAIN**** in the in the car, thinking about next summer, and their son would be here, and our daughter would not be. We are very close friends, and I know if things would've worked out, it would be like a second family. It was early evening, my favorite time of the day during the summer, the light was streaming down through the trees and I wanted more than anything to be expecting our baby.

Sometimes, I think the universe is a bitter old woman who likes to pick on us when we are vulnerable.

*I've been slightly obsessed with this word lately. I know. Lame.
** I like many of the tenets of this style. It appeals to my inner antiestablishment earth child.
*** Draw your own conclusions on what this means for thier marriage. We would be here all day if I were to expound on my own thoughts.
**** I am not a crier, so at this point I was just getting pissed with myself. I mean really. How many times am I going to cry about this? Enough already.

Friday, August 3, 2007

This came from Serenity's blog. Interestingly, I got the same result as Sarah.
I've taken the Keirsey Temperment Sorter, the Myers-Briggs, and each time I get the same result. Interesting to know that I can be summed up in about 76 questions!

Click to view my Personality Profile page

ENFPs are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive. They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events. ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity. ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

I never would've thought . . .

You're Spain!

You like rain on the plain, as well as interesting architecture and
a diverse number of races and religions. You like to explore a lot, but sailing,
especially in large groups, never really seems to work out for you. Beware of pirates
and dictators bearing bombs. And for heavens' sake, stop running around bulls!
It's just not safe!

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

I got this from niobe's blog. I never get tired of these.