I really, really hesitated to post this blog. It cuts to a lot of issues about IVF we rarely discuss. I never see them written about in other blogs or message boards, which always makes me wonder if it's just me that thinks these things or that many of us do but don't talk about them. If you choose to read, know that I am only looking for guidance and nothing more. I am truly and utterly confused by my own thoughts and need some advice.
I have many bad thinking habits, and probably the one of the worst is a tendency to overthink and overanalyze things. It's strange, because that requires a great deal of concentration - but my other thinking bad habit would have to be my AD.D. I never took R,italin, and it seems silly to start that now. I've figured out ways to make my absentmindedness cooky and charming rather than irritating (at least, I would like to think so). It seems to bewilder others so much they stop trying to figure out why someone could forget to shave one leg or get lost on the way to the grocery store (yes. I really did that. That story is for another day.) that they just give up and laugh right along with me.
I've never applied my overanalyzation to IVF, at least not consciously. But I'm fairly certain I've been doing it all along. We were told over a year ago that it was really our only option for a healthy child. But something has been nagging at me this entire time - hence the constant procrastination.
When I think of IVF, I think of sharpness, cold, pain. Really, it makes me think of a large collection of cold steel needles - if IVF could manifest itself, that's what it would be to me. It's such a harsh sounding acronym. I am in no hurry to take the plunge. I feel like it's something we must do to say we've done everything possible to have our own biological children. For a very long time, this was as important to me as it was to my husband.
Then one day, it became less important than" just" being a mom. The more and more I thought about IVF, the less and less I want to actually go through with it. It's incredibly confusing really - some days, I am just so SURE it will work, so SURE it's the right thing to do, and then others I feel the exact and total opposite. And I start to wonder if it's really even worth the money, time, emotional stress. Is it really worth it?
I just don't know.
I feel like I have to do it, to give D a shot at having his biological children. Something I should probably discuss is the fact our new doctor wants me to do a C.lomid C.hallenge Test. He's concerned that my previous poor response to injectibles and the two chromosomally abnormal miscarriages might be due to an even bigger problem. I knew that was coming, the writing was on the wall. A 28 yr old PCOS patient in otherwise good health doesn't have a poor response to meds unless something else is very wrong. And that was two years ago. But I don't KNOW this yet because I haven't actually DONE the test. And no medical professional has mentioned a donor, so it's really nothing I can stress over right now - and even if we use a donor, the big questions are still there.
At this point, it is what it is, and I would rather know before going ahead with IVF.
And then there is the whole issue on which we completely, utterly, totally disagree.
First let me say I wasn't raised in church, and even after all of this difficulty, I am pro-choice. I am not a particularly religious person by any means, and that is why this whole train of thought has thrown me completely off balance. I am fairly liberal in every area of my life, which let me say is quite a feat as I was raised in a small town in the South.
And then these completely foreign thoughts started creeping in. I mean, isn't this complicated enough as it is? I certainly think so, but my brain thinks otherwise.
Whew. Ok, let's get down to the issue.
I can't shake the feeling that something just isn't right about our possible children getting their first starts at life in a lab, floating in a culture medium. And that some of them will arrest in development and die. And if they make it far enough, they could die in my womb. What if we have some left over and they aren't deemed suitable for freezing? By standards that can vary widely from clinic to clinic? What happens to them? Do they go out with the lab waste? I know they do, and I don't think I could bear the thought. What if we do freeze some, and they don't make it though the thaw? Did we inadvertently kill them? What if we decide we don't want any more children (I know, ha ha that I'm even thinking this), and we do have some on ice, if you will - what do we do with them? D says donate them to science, or donate them to another couple. I cannot donate to science, even though it might mean being part of a cure for my mother's cancer - and to another couple? I can't wrap my head around complete strangers raising my child. Just can't.
WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF?
How do I reconcile creating many lives, some that may die, in the hopes of creating some so we can have our children? D says he doesn't think of it like this, but I can't think of it any other way.
What in the fucking fuck do I do now?
And WHERE is my A.DD when I need it?