Thursday, February 28, 2008

smallish sigh of relief - stim day 6

This is hard to type.
Everything looked normal today - from the u/s to the bloodwork. Of course, it is still early in the stim phase so a lot can still happen.
Go back Saturday.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

thursday is a long time from now!

I started stims last night and I am freaking out that it won't be enough. I don't go in for monitoring until THURSDAY. Does that seem like a long time to go for my first monitoring appointment? Why can I not relax? If there was one thing I could change about me (other than the inability to conceive and then subsequently bear healthy children - duh) would be my incessant need to go from "Hey, look at those pretty flowers and beautiful butterflies on this amazing sunny day" to "Oh my G-d, is that a giant black cloud with a giant swirling vortex coming to kill me and everything I care about in one fell swoop" in 10 seconds? I wish there was a middle ground for my emotional state that comprises a healthy response to stress. I think if this were pioneer times or antebellum times or some other time a long time ago, I would not have made it past the age of ten. I would've been one of those women constantly fainting or crying hysterically at something mundane like the washboard or the cast iron stove or something.

In other news of things that are kind of freaking me out, but there is nothing I Can Do About It Because It Is Just the Way Things Are -
At work, I got the assignment I wanted for next year, which is completely shocking to me. Mainly because I am in disagreement with some of our policies and I have voiced that - usually when you do this, it does not bode well for your future in that job, right? In fact, in a meeting in which I voiced these disagreements in a way that seemed valid, it actually was not and my head ended up several feet from my body when my supervisor took out a machete and hacked it as she called my comments "Completely wrong and unfounded." Yes. It was totally awkward, but I am sure it was only so for me. By the end of the day, fences had been mended because my supervisior was kind of cool about the whole thing so I was fine, but others who were there still talk about it and embarrass me, making me think all was not fine and I had only succeeded in making a giant ass of myself.
Anyway, imagine my shock when she took someone who has been in the assignment I wanted for many years and removed her from it and appointed me to it, which I did not know was the plan. Without going into all the logistics, which I assure you are quite boring, I said I wanted it in part so I could work with this person because we work so well together, and I love the subject matter. I never imagined I would actually get what I wanted at someone else's expense. This person is a dear friend of mine and came in my room very upset after she got the news. And when I asked her what flaming backstabbing bitch took her job, she looked at me and said "You." To be accurate, she said it with a laugh.
Silence, gaping mouth. I really did not know what to say. So I stammered on about how it was unfair and such. It was a completely lame attempt to make her feel better and I am sure it failed miserably.
I don't think she is angry with me because she knows I wouldn't do that to her or to anyone else; usually when I don't like someone it's pretty obvious and there is not any need to employ subversive screwing over techniques because I will just tell you to fuck off to your face and there is no reason to assume I would expend additional energy to make your life any more miserable. No, not something I would do.
So, I don't know.
I want Thursday to get here and to be good news, and I want my friend at work to be happy on Monday and not pissed off at me and not thinking I somehow stabbed her in the back even though I know she knows I would never do that.
I am hoping this week is a good one . . . here is to optomism! ha ha. I will try, at least.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

yummy recipe I just made up

I am sure someone has made this before. But I want to continue feeling my genius for right now because this was really good and satisfied my ravenous red meat craving i've been having since starting the lupron.

Vegetarian Spaghetti

1 can Great Northern Beans, drained and rinsed
1 can no sodium diced tomatoes undrained (the no sodium thing isn't important. it's just what was in the pantry when I was hungry today.)
2 cloves garlic finely minced
1/4 medium onion finely minced
dried oregano, thyme and basil
olive oil
thin spaghetti
grated parmesan/romano/pecerino (seriously, I cannot spell) cheese

Cook the garlic and onion in the olive oil until soft. Add the beans and tomatoes. Then add 1/4 palm full each: oregano, thyme, basil. Fresh basil would be even better but i didn't have any. You know, fennel seeds would be good as well but only a very little bit.
Cook the spaghetti until soft. Make sure you salt the water liberally.
Top with a generous amount of grated cheese.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

favorite quote from this week

"You know, you don't really know what love is until you have kids. It's changed my life so much and I can't imagine going through life without them. I mean, I know people do, but man. How empty."
- from a male coworker who knows I've started IVF; as we watched his kids playing. I should add I am not angry or upset at this completely insensitive and rather banal comment because this person might be the biggest idiot I've met in a long time. I don't think he can't help anything that comes out of his mouth even if he wanted to. He also added "just wait, you'll end up with twins." Ah, yes. Of course. And remember, they're implanted, not transferred.

I've started suppression for my Very First IVF. The best part is that I never really stopped bleeding from my last period - my body *hearts* to spot brown on the BCPs, and the Lupron! Oh! Even more so. It's been great being all Leaky McLeaky for the last couple of weeks. I took my last BCP three days ago and started what I believe to be a period today. It seems kind of soon, but who can judge. It looks as though I will start the big drugs this week.

In an attempt to get my anxiety under control, I began taking Z.oloft. I was told I would be sleepy for a few days, but that would wear off, and then my moods would stabilize and I would "see a drastic decrease in racing thoughts, shortness of breath, irritability, and just in general, you will stop acting all crazy and shit." The prospect of not being crazy anymore relieved me greatly, and my husband even more so. I couldn't wait to walk around in a medicated haze, stopping to smell the flowers and smiling plastically at work. Is this everyone's secret who seems so damned happy at work? Unfortunately, it was not meant to be for me. The first day I took it, I was awake until 3 am, wandering my home like a vagrant - chewing on my nails, talking to myself, swatting at invisible Crazy Bugs. It was horrible. So I stopped. I haven't pursued any additional anti anxiety/anti depressants yet, but has anyone else had this reaction from Z.oloft? I will talk to my dr. about this next week when I go in for a suppression check and see what she has to say about my reaction and what I could try instead. I've toyed with the idea of seeing a therapist. I just don't feel like I have that much to say. Maybe I have more to say than I think.
It feels good to write another blog entry again, and I am still the shitty commenter I've always been. I have 39 feeds on my bloglines so I have to excuse as I've been reading everyone's updates about once a week. As always, I vow to get better about this.
I hope I still have some readers out there - there's nothing like a blog about infertility that takes a year to actually get going with some real treatments. What can I say? I love to procrastinate. So do my ovaries.
P.S. I tried to spell check but it's not cooperating. If you see any egregious spelling errors, please disregard. Or print it out and mark the shit out of it in red ink. Whatever makes you feel at peace.

ETA: About the z.oloft . . . it was prescribed by the therapist at my RE's office. After we had our counseling appointment, she stressed that I need to be under the care of a psychatrist while I take medication. She was very responsible about it and did not call in any refills and said she wouldn't until she knew who I was seeing regularly. I really, really don't like to go. I've seen two - once as a teenager and once as a child, and to be honest I found them to be rather annoying - patronizing even. So I hesitate to go. It's also difficult to find one convenient to me, who specializes in infertility/anxiety disorders, takes appointments late in the day and who is under my insurance plan. I am thinking about asking her for a referral to someone in my area because she practices about 45 minutes away - and that's with no traffic in the afternoons. I did like her, so it is a shame.