Saturday, February 24, 2007

Laughing again

I mean, how can you not laugh at this headline?

When fake bull testicles are outlawed, what in God's name is next?

Ok, I fudged it a bit.

Hope everyone is doing well and here's to a great weekend!

Friday, February 23, 2007


Well, still doing good physically. But I wasn't prepared for the hormonal fallout. I was planning on going back to work today but I think that would've been a supremely bad idea.


Now, instead of people telling me such gems as "Relax and it will happen" "Drink some wine/robitussin/cyanide" "Go on a vacation - hey, have you heard about that package for infertile couples in the Bahamas? It's supposed to really work!"

I get

"Wow! At least now you know you can GET pregnant - and on your OWN!" And perhaps most unfortunately, the loudest proponents in this sunshine committee are my husband and mother.

Um, yeah. But pregnant with what exactly? I mean, it did stop developing and forced me to go through a D&C. Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to go through this again.

I should explain first that my husband is wonderful and has incredible qualities that I'm so happy to have in a husband.


He has the unnerving ability to look bad news smack in the face and deny the significance of it's existence. For example, this last time my beta numbers were very low but they did double!, he would say excitedly, and then my heart would break just a little more. And then we went in for the first ultrasound and the sac was measuring a week behind dates and the embryo was 2 days behind. And I knew it was only a matter of time. Especially when they moved my due date back 5 freaking days. On the other hand my husband found studies on the internet relating to small sac sizes and fetal demise, and he was sure since the sac to embryo ratio was not great but also not nearly as bad as it could be, we still had a reasonable chance at success. Look! It says here that 75% of sacs of our size with our dates will self correct. And when my pregnancy symptoms would come and go, and were not very strong anyway after the first week, he would say Why do you always have to be so negative, why can't you look on the bright side - the odds are in our favor. And then we would fight, because the last part, the odds are in our favor, well, I just found that to be one of the most incredibly naive things he'd said, maybe ever.

The anxiety of this pregnancy was bad enough, but the anxiety of knowing my husband was about to encounter one of the worst days of his life completely unprepared was infinitely worse.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

hmmm, surgery that wasn't too bad, isn't that an oxymoron?

Well, if it is, then so be it I say. It wasn't bad at all. My doctor actually did the surgery, which I wasn't expecting. So that was nice. He was a little abrasive (ok, a lot) on Monday's ultrasound, but he was a lot more compassionate and kind today. Who knows, maybe he was having a bad day too.

The Good:
1. not a long wait at all
2. the staff was wonderfully polite and attentive
3. booties for my cold feet
4. warmed blankets for my coldness in general
5. wonderful pre op anti anxiety medication. it was lovely.
6. my husband was there and he was great
7. i came out of the anethesia quickly, with no dizziness or nausea
8. didn't have to wait long at all to go home
9. could've walked out of there, but they wheel you.
10. i only had cramping right after, and then they gave me morphine, twice. god bless them.

The Bad:
1. i have freakishly small veins that roll. it's always a crapshoot as to where they will needle me. usually, it is the inside crook of my elbow in the same vein every freakin' time. (that was really fun for every other day blood draws during my stims. but i digress.) anyway, that's what they used today, and it was already bruised, so that hurt pretty good.
2. the waiting room was way crowded, and the seats were too close together. i like my space.
3. there was one tv, and it was the anna nicole smith circus trial. so sad.
4. i had to pee magically after my gown was on and the iv was in my arm and i was hooked up to the bag. that was an interesting sight to behold i'm sure.
5. i wanted mcdonald's in the worst way on the way home, and then we were almost there and i started to feel funny and nauseous. so i didn't get my quarter pounder with cheese and fries.
6. actually, #5 may not count as a bad thing, because no one should ever eat that stuff.

so all in all, it wasn't too bad. if I had a job where I could go in kind of late tomorrow and leave a little early, sit at my desk and stay kind of quiet, I would probably go. But, I don't, so instead I'm going to stay home and eat lunch with my mom. Maybe she will bring me mcdonald's. :)

P.S. Thanks to you all, so so much, for your kindness and compassion. I was surprised at how much I needed this support, and it has made this process so much easier.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


First, I have to to thank the oneliner for the shout out. Much appreciated, becuase I actually am admitting I need support.
All of the comments have been more help than you know. For the last year or so, I have been quite the lurker, reading many of your blogs, never really needing or feeling like I had much to write about, but how things do change.

So, it honestly is the strangest feeling, scheduling a time to have someone remove a life that's already died, from you. Sorry, I know that's blunt, but it is an infertility blog, after all - if you can't say it here, then our husbands would have to listen, and well, sometimes quiet is better.

I did go to work today, which was the best thing I could've done. I am a teacher, and of course I didn't tell my kids the news. I just said I'd be out to take care of some things. They were interested, sure, and dare I say even a bit concerned. I don't know, maybe it was my tone, or maybe I was a little too pale today. So for about 2 minutes, they were sweet angels.

And then, it was back to the regular preteen behavior.

Which put it all in perspective. This is a huge deal for us, our close friends and family. But in the big picture, life really does just go on with or without you. And in a strange way, it was comforting to realize the monotony and the predicitability of it all, and if you don't find a way to hang on for the ride, it's going to keep on keepin' on.

Monday, February 19, 2007

more about today

Not sure if anyone is reading this yet, so if you are, here is what happened today. But to explain that, I have to go back to some time about 6 weeks ago. Or, to be a little too specific, maybe 8.

I got a positive test on a saturday morning. This is a year, almost to the day, of my last (and first) positive test, which happened after the World's Longest Stim, followed by a cancellation, then another stim on quite a bit of drug. It turned out to be a chemical. Followed by another IUI, which was a negative, and we were referred to IVF. We weren't ready. So instead, I decided to go on a break (read: on the pill, off metformin, prenatals, baby aspirin, charting, CM checking, and general daily obsessing). This break was heavenly, normal cycles, predictable periods, only a little spotting here and there.

So, we decided, hey, why not tempt fate? And I stopped pills. No met. First cycle was a wonderous 30 days. But nothing. The next, exactly 7 days longer (which was my pattern before the IUI's. Kind of weird, no?) And then, a positive test. Yeah, I was in shock. I mean, ON OUR OWN? Kind of crazy.

But the inital betas were kind of low, even though they were doubling. So I tried my hardest to remain optomistic. We went in for the first scan, and lo and behold, there was a sac with something inside. And the sac was measuring about a week behind. The baby, fetus, embryo, whatever you call it that early (I prefer baby) was on track. Just the tinest flutter of a heartbeat had begun. My husband was over the moon. He was sure it was going to work.
I, in all my realistic pessimism, was not.

And as much as I love being right, I did not want to be about this. We went today, 2 weeks from the last, and the baby hadn't grown. I think it might have even been a little smaller. The sac was way, way, behind. And no heartbeat.

And so here we are, staring down the monster again. Yuck.

a day of firsts

Well, this is my first post. It seems fitting, because today I just scheduled my first D&C for Wednesday. I need a place to get it all out, because right now, my husband is upstairs in bed with a migraine, which came on immediately after the ultrasound today. Needless to say, he's had all he can handle. So, here I am . . .