Sunday, January 18, 2009

well now that I've started I can't stop

So why didn't I update for almost an entire year? Well. Hmm.
I just felt weird writing about my pregnancy. Which was wholly uneventful and perfectly normal; despite my constant certainty things would not work out.
Once I felt him move - which happened very early - around 15 weeks - I counted movements every single day. Even when at first they didn't happen every day. And the first movements weren't these magical butterfly type movements. They were little taps, kind of like water dripping or something. So I wasn't sure for awhile it was him.
Then I rented a doppler so I could obsessively check for his heartbeat. Sometimes several times a day. I left work during planning more than once to drive home and check it if I felt like he hadn't moved enough that morning. And that happened a lot. He was an infrequent mover. He had days of crazy movement and days where I hardly felt anything Those were very long days.
I spent so much time worrying and fretting that I failed to notice my due date approaching with lightening speed. Maybe I was in a state of denial. As much as I wanted a baby I knew I had NO IDEA what to do with one and that scared me. So not much got done in preparation. Things stayed in boxes and wrapped in gift bags.
At the first of November I was large. But I carried him all in the front so I looked rather comical. One day at work, three women stopped me and asked when are you having that baby?? He is down around your knees!! And my mother, who just two days prior, aptly described me as a "pregnant bowling pin".
I was undeterred - my due date wasn't for three more weeks! I had plenty of time to unpack the quadrillion baby items - most of which I had no idea what they were for - wash and organize his clothes, clean the house and prepare everything for my long term sub. Oh, and pack a hospital bag.
Even though the midwife had checked me for dilation at 36 weeks because I was having this annoying cramping and pressure - it was really annoying - and pronounced me 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced - I still wasn't convinced he would be here before the due date. Even though she said as I was leaving "I'll probably see you before next week!"

Back to the day at work when I was minding my own business. I really had to pee and it was almost time for classes to begin after planning. So I sat down to pee.
And my water broke. Right there at work in the bathroom. How unceremoniously . . . normal.
Of course I freaked. Called my doctor who said get to the hospital NOW.
After quite the ride on the highway - the contractions started 2 min apart - none of this 8 min then 5 then 2 - no, I was in Labor. Transition nonetheless. I was 4 cm and completely effaced when I arrived. I'd been in active labor for a few days and just didn't know.

After a very easy labor and an even easier delivery, he was born about 7 hours later. Perfect and healthy. I remember bits and pieces but my most vivid memory is directly after his birth he was placed on my chest and I just kept repeating "Hi! I am so excited to finally meet you!" He seemed rather nonplussed by all the festivities. He just wanted to nurse immediately and be left alone. In retrospect, I would've fought harder for that time.
Maybe next go around?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

oh, apron strings! she spilled the beans.

Yes, he is here. He is healthy and has a very hearty appetite - just like Daddy.
He is fond of:
1. eating
2. crying
3. crying some more
4. the ceiling fan
5. anything outside
6. sleeping on his tummy - I KNOW. Don't tell anyone. He has to, actually. He has an abnormality in his larynx that makes it almost impossible for him to sleep on his back. Which he will eventually outgrow. We have a fancy pants monitor that checks for movement every 15 sec. So I don't have to check to see if he is breathing all the time.
7. the light up butterfly on his play gym
8. smiling and cooing at 3 AM when I want him to pleeeeeasegobacktosleep.
9. grunting
10. riding in the car
11. spitting up
12. hiccuping

This whole baby thing has thrown me for such a loop. I was under the impression they bascially ate and slept and stayed awake a little here and there.
What? did I just hear laughter? Maybe that was my own. Anyway.

Sometimes (well, a lot) he cries and I don't know why although I am thinking it is from being overtired. Turns out he just doesn't fall asleep when he needs to! Revelation.
My anxiety has been ramped up to Level Fifteen. This is out of Ten Levels. I worry about everything. Is he eating enough? Too much? Does he have reflux? Actually, yes! Let's medicate! Oh wait, is it safe to give that to a tiny infant?
And on and on. Gah. I am tired of course, perhaps more from the constant and incessant worrying than the sleep deprivation.