Sunday, August 12, 2007

it turns out I am human after all.

I apologize for not commenting on any of your blogs this week (and most of last week). Work started back, and I have been extremely busy. Since I work in education, I feel a little weird writing about what goes on at work, but suffice it to say, it is a really difficult job sometimes, and the pay doesn't exactly reflect that fact. After I graduated, I chose between law school and graduate school in education, and sometimes, I wonder why I didn't choose law. Really, I wonder. More on that some other time.
Alright. Let's move on to the entertaining stuff.

Remember this silliness? The shower for my friend who is due two weeks after I would've been was yesterday. For your reading ease, I've broken down the experience into three parts: before, during, after.

I went to get the gift after work on Thursday, and of course they were registered at Target, the scene of an already embarrassing breakdown. I got the gift and then went to pick out the card and wrapping accouterments*. It was filled, I mean filled, with adorable stuff for babies, baby showers, new moms, puppies, kittens, little balls of sunshine, and the obligatory fairies. There was a lilt of lilac in the air, and a cool breeze flirted with the hairs on my neck. Oh, how I do love Target.

As I was deciding what wrapping paper style and color scheme to choose, which I must say was not easy as there were about a trillion choices, I started crying. Really crying. Not just a little tear here or there. It was awful. I still had to buy the freaking R.ainforest J.umperoo and the card, which I still had to pick out.
Question: How in the fuck I am I going to pick out a card if the wrapping paper is making me cry?
Answer: By continuing to cry, accidentally getting snot on some of the cards, choosing one that you would like to receive at your own baby shower, somehow magically collecting yourself (perhaps from the helpful fairies?) and getting the hell out of there.

At this point, I need to talk about AP. AP is the friend who hosted the shower at the mama's house. AP has an adorable one year old boy, C, and a doting, sweet husband. She is a stay at home mom and is a big proponent of a.ttachment p.arenting**. While I am certain she has problems, just like everyone else, to me her life looks pretty damn close to perfect. She belittles her husband in front of him and us (which is so incredibly AWKWARD) and complains about how hard it is to parent in this style ALL THE TIME. Last night, I was curious and read about attachment parenting, and I thought many parts of it sound great, but she is taking many of the philosophies to the extreme. She never sets C down, really, never. They sleep in the floor with him, and to my knowledge, they have not had sex since she was about 6 months pregnant***. They don't use a stroller. They don't put him in the car unless he is sleeping because he cries as he does not like the car, so consequently, they don't go anywhere unless it's his nap time, which may or may not happen on any given day. Yesterday, she was about an hour late because C didn't go to sleep, and as he was still sleeping in the car when they got there, her husband stayed in the car with him so he would not be awoken upon being removed from the car. He was out there about an hour by himself while the rest of us where inside talking and visiting. The men went to play golf while we had the shower, but her husband stayed behind in a back bedroom because C "doesn't feel comfortable around other people" and the only way to keep him happy is to have one or both parents with him at all times. And really, C he doesn't, including his grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I assume this is because they will not allow him to become upset, so he's accustomed to being held indefinitely by his parents, and as a result has virtually no attachment to anyone else, nor any real curiosity about others. He rarely smiled at the other children at the party, nor the adults, and sadly, was so attached to AP he missed out on a lot of things most one year olds would enjoy. I've known AP for many years, and I have my own reasons on why she needs to be needed so much, and I don't think she's aware of why she's doing this to her son, or what the implications will be for him as he grows. So, I keep my mouth shut because it is not my child, my husband or my life.

Still reading?

AP knows how long we've been trying to get pregnant. She doesn't know about the miscarriages or the treatments we've been through, but she knows how long it's been. And, she is L&D nurse, so she has an intimate understanding of the female reproductive system and pregnancy.
Questions/comments I was asked/told by her yesterday:
1. Wow, your and D's kids will be so hairy! (as an aside, WTF?? I am not that hairy.)
2. You will carry well because you are tall.
3. You and D's kids will be so tall!
4. Have you thought about whether you will work or not after you have your kids?
5. And my personal favorite that doesn't have anything to do with the above: as she arrived an hour late - You look so cute! I didn't recognize you!

At this point, I reminded her we've been trying for over 2 years now, so we will just have to see. And she still did not fucking get the hint. By the time D came back from playing golf, I was sitting on the couch, staring intently at the television. I was afraid to talk otherwise I might cry. Eventually, we were alone in the kitchen, and he gently asked if I was upset, and at that point I went into the bathroom and cried a little. Then we got the hell out of there.

I cried AGAIN**** in the in the car, thinking about next summer, and their son would be here, and our daughter would not be. We are very close friends, and I know if things would've worked out, it would be like a second family. It was early evening, my favorite time of the day during the summer, the light was streaming down through the trees and I wanted more than anything to be expecting our baby.

Sometimes, I think the universe is a bitter old woman who likes to pick on us when we are vulnerable.

*I've been slightly obsessed with this word lately. I know. Lame.
** I like many of the tenets of this style. It appeals to my inner antiestablishment earth child.
*** Draw your own conclusions on what this means for thier marriage. We would be here all day if I were to expound on my own thoughts.
**** I am not a crier, so at this point I was just getting pissed with myself. I mean really. How many times am I going to cry about this? Enough already.


My Reality said...

I am sorry it was so tough to go through that.

If AP hasn't had sex since she was 6 months pregnant, you shouldn't have to worry about another pregnancy announcement from her!

You might not normally be a crier, but sometimes it is good to get it all out.

Erin said...

Ugh - that sounds so horrible. I've had a similar breakdown at another baby store. So awful.

I really wonder about your friend AP - seems like they may be causing their kid's problems, rather than helping him. I totally get wanting to be as close as possible to your kid, but they do need a little breathing space!

Feel better!

Amy R said...

Your friend AP sounds a bit clueless. and needs to get her foot out of her mouth, especially that last comment! Its almost as bas as 'You look tired' when in fact you feel just great! That one gets on my nerves oh-so-much.

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

fvck. that sounds just awful. what a sucky, sucky day. you did a lot better than i would have. i would have ended up in a fetal position (love the irony!)crying on the floor.

My bit of are so freakin' hard on yourself. what is this? the "strong infertile olympics." Why not fake a cold and have skipped the whole thing? Why not a gift card? Why didn't you leave early? Why not cry as much as you need to?

Before all *this* I didn't cry either, but after a yr and m/c # one, i started letting myself cry. In fact, i would kind of force it every morning after big disappointments like m/c or a failed ART cycle.What've I found is weird, that letting myself cry or be upset in general, lends itself to a better feeling overall, and makes it easier to handle IF in public. Although, i have skipped birthday parties and numerous showers...b/c nothing can prepare you for that onslaught of emotion.

hope you feel better.

megan said...

ugh. what a long, bad day....AP isn't the most sensitive of folks is she? i'm glad it's over. i agree with you about the universe being a bitter old woman. i think that sometimes too.

Ms. Planner said...

I am so sorry for your tough day. It is hard, too, when we hope and expect our friends to be empathetic to us and they let us down. Hang in there. Two years is a long time. I am wishing for you that your wait is over soon.

Sarah said...

this might sound weird or even a little mean considering the largely unhappy content, but i just loved this post. you totally had me cracking up, but feeling your pain at the same time.

AP is OBNOX with those comments 1-5. maybe she was just trying to act like everything is just fine in getting-tipsy-marie-pregnant land? maybe that makes her more comfortable? maybe she thought it would make you feel more comfortable? who knows, who cares, it would have sent any of us over the edge.

i'm so sorry you're dealing with crap like this when infertility is really more than enough crap. what is next for you in the medical-professionals department?

Geohde said...

I'm so sorry that you felt crap enough to need to cry.

IF sucks.

Carrie said...

I'm not a crier either (though you wouldn't know right now) and I get mad at myself when I cry too. Sometimes it really is too hard though, just too much and if your body cries it must need to.
You did so well oping with all this. I hope you are feeling better and I think you should try to be less hard on yourself.

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

hey, i emailed you.