Sunday, October 21, 2007

Boundaries

I don't think I've ever discussed my family on this blog. It's not intentional, it's just that I haven't had very much to say. Since I've become an adult and left the nest, the drama waned significantly.
Before I get into this story, I should tell you that the word "boundary" is not one my mother knows well. She's shared things with me I could've lived my whole life without knowing, and at times when I was a child just would go off the deep end. Apparently, I was a very difficult child to raise. I don't remember trying to be so difficult, so I guess I was a natural cranky and independent filly. It wasn't uncommon for her to just lose it, and say she was leaving and not coming back, and on and on and on.

Kind of uncomfortable, but I realize now she was just having a lot of problems.

So there is a little history there, not uncommon between mothers and daughters. I'm always suspicious of mothers and daughters that are best friends. Really? Your mom? I tell things to my best friend I don't tell anyone else, certainly not my mother. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me and my mom because we weren't BFF. But now I tend to think that's normal, whatever that means. But I digress.

Back when I was in the throes of my clomid challenge test, I was worried that the results would be bad. Really worried. So worried I was occupying my time with anything but thinking about it. One day on the phone, she asked me what was the matter. When I told her what a bad result would mean, she said "Well, I want you to do whatever it is you need to have your children."
Well no shit, lady.
We've been doing just that for quite awhile, and this test might omit that possibility. And even if the results are good, we just wouldn't know if my eggs will work until we go through IVF. Which we of course still have to do. So nothing is off or on the table at this point. Upon hearing this, she replied "Have you thought about using your sister?" "For an egg donor?"
Um . . . .
The answer is yes, we have thought about it and we both agree we do not want to use someone we know. A few of my friends have offered (I know! So nice, but no thanks).
So I said essentially that - yes, but we prefer it to be anonymous. Additionally, my sister is not in good health, and has reproductive issues on top of her other health problems. So even if we wanted to go that route and all parties were willing, I don't think we could.
And so she then launches in to this whole. . . .thing. I'll shorten her points for your reading ease:
1. Genetically, you don't know what you're going to get.
2. Will they look like you?
3. What kind of testing is involved for the donor?
4. What criteria do you use to chose the donor?
5. If you use your sister, it will be in the family. (WTF? I don't know, it just seems like a weird point. Valid I guess, but weird).

Then she said, "I haven't said anything about this to your sister, but I know she would love to do this for you."

So what do I take away from this conversation? That my mother has essentially decided the solution to this problem is to use my sister's eggs, and to pepper me with suggestions and arguments until I agree.
I love my mom, but I wish she would not do things like this. She is probably just trying to help, however misguided this may be. Just trying to help is like, the worst phrase ever created. It is usually uttered after said action became nothing but a dismal failure.

7 comments:

LJ said...

I was always more "Daddy's Little Girl" growing up. Now, I have gotten closer with my mom, but not to the point where I want to tell her everything. There are certain places I just don't go with her (in a theoretical sense) because I know what she's going to say, and I don't want to hear it. I understand...

niobe said...

I think that you're absolutely right. Your mother *really* needs to become a bit more closely acquainted with the concept of boundaries.

Abby said...

Sounds like my Mom. Don't even get me started. But, do you think the reason she wants you to use your sister's eggs so badly is so her Grandchild would be gentically related to her. It is shallow, and selfish and I do not know your Mom, but I know mine....and she would be pushing for sisters eggs and for that exact reason :(

Geohde said...

It's exactly fear of this sort of convo that keeps me from telling any more to my family than I have to. They're aware of the IVF, yes, but they have no idea about any details, and I'm keeping it that way!

Mind you, they also never ask, which makes it easier.

J

Ms. Planner said...

I think that, a lot of times, when someone raises all of these questions to the person actually dealing with situation (in this case, you) they are actually trying to get past their own hang ups. I am certain that you spirit and the energy to wrangle her into embracing how YOU want to proceed, not how SHE thinks you should proceed. And before your sister becomes involved, too.

Good luck with your HSG this week. May it be as painless as possible.

Isabel said...

Moms... Call your sister before she does, maybe?

Hope all is going in the right direction otherwise.

Karen said...

argh! and this is\why I'm glad I neverv discussed this stuff with my mom. Also glad I don't have a sister...