Saturday, June 9, 2007

a case study in how infertility screws with really good friendships

1. she got pg on "accident" last sept.
2. they were in no way ready to be pg, her husband just "forgot" to pull out. or he did, and mysteriously she got pg anyway. that's the official story but I'm going with my hunch because he's said things like "what if i got you pg on purpose". right. what if.
3. she kept freaking out she was pg. what are we going to do, we can't afford it, we have to move out of this dump, etc. all i wanted to say was why didn't you use FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL!! but i didn't. 'cause i'm such a great friend.
4. instead, i kind of distanced myself from her for a little while, and stopped talking to her altogether when i got pg. because i was a mess, nervous and neurotic, and we weren't telling anyone because things always were on the verge of disaster. it was just too hard. we were barely functioning as it was.
5. and eventually, she said basically "why aren't you talking to me?" and i told her everything. the pg, mc, d&c. (how's that for an overuse of acronyms?)
6. she was completely understanding and quite possibly was the most supportive of any of my friends that found out. maybe that's not entirely fair, though, because i've kind of refused to talk about it unless someone gently shoves me to, and she did. and i am so grateful for it.
7. pg progresses totally normally. no issues, except for a mild case of gestational diabetes.
8. they induced her monday at 3. she had her baby at 8:30. 5.5 hours. she went home a day and a half later with a healthy little one.

What is the word for this? Envy? Jealousy? Maybe, I guess, but I don't FEEL spiteful or hateful or any of those things. I am happy their baby is here and healthy and they are doing well and have a bright future ahead for their new family.

Someone needs to create a word for this feeling and get it in W.ebster's Infertile Dictionary ASAP.

But first, I guess someone needs to write a W.ebster's Infertile Dictionary.


Sarah said...

i guess i would describe the feeling i had as more left out, even when i was really happy for other people i just felt so left behind. is she still being a good supportive friend? i hope so. we need all we can get.

Carrie said...

I know the feeling, I haven't got the talent to create a new word.
It would have to be dark sounding and drungy -hey, maybe I just did create a new word :-) It would also have to have a sort of sad echo to it.
It should make the corners of your mouth go down while you try, so hard, to smile in spite of it.

I'm sorry. It's really tough x

Melissa said...

Oh, I have felt that so many times - true joy for someone's BFP or delivery but still underscored by pain and self-pity that it wasn't me. It's hard to reconcile those.

ms. c said...

Ya, I'm with you on the dictionary. These feelings are almost the toughest part of dealing with IF, in my opinion.

Ms. Planner said...

The whole being happy for new-mom-friend-thing-with-new-baby seems doable until about 2 hours after you see how content and happy she is with her newborn. And all you can do is ache for a baby. Like, want one. Right now.

Hope you are doing OK and hope she remains sensitive about your situation, too.

Sticky Bun said...

You're so right. There REALLY needs to be a better word... It's hard, but of course you're happy for them. IF, she's a realy joy, huh?

Hang in there!

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

so frustrating isn't it? i still think we should spend some time giving the evil eye to preggies in the ATL.

decemberbaby said...

Actually, I think you should put this entry into Mel's emblopedia (at stirrup queens). It's one of those emotions that is probably unique to infertility, and you expressed it really well.

megan said...

i am so with you. i wish i could come up with a word. . . and you're right about needing an infertile dictionary. i second the motion to put this post into Mel's emblopedia, as you captured it so well.