Sunday, February 24, 2008

thursday is a long time from now!

I started stims last night and I am freaking out that it won't be enough. I don't go in for monitoring until THURSDAY. Does that seem like a long time to go for my first monitoring appointment? Why can I not relax? If there was one thing I could change about me (other than the inability to conceive and then subsequently bear healthy children - duh) would be my incessant need to go from "Hey, look at those pretty flowers and beautiful butterflies on this amazing sunny day" to "Oh my G-d, is that a giant black cloud with a giant swirling vortex coming to kill me and everything I care about in one fell swoop" in 10 seconds? I wish there was a middle ground for my emotional state that comprises a healthy response to stress. I think if this were pioneer times or antebellum times or some other time a long time ago, I would not have made it past the age of ten. I would've been one of those women constantly fainting or crying hysterically at something mundane like the washboard or the cast iron stove or something.

In other news of things that are kind of freaking me out, but there is nothing I Can Do About It Because It Is Just the Way Things Are -
At work, I got the assignment I wanted for next year, which is completely shocking to me. Mainly because I am in disagreement with some of our policies and I have voiced that - usually when you do this, it does not bode well for your future in that job, right? In fact, in a meeting in which I voiced these disagreements in a way that seemed valid, it actually was not and my head ended up several feet from my body when my supervisor took out a machete and hacked it as she called my comments "Completely wrong and unfounded." Yes. It was totally awkward, but I am sure it was only so for me. By the end of the day, fences had been mended because my supervisior was kind of cool about the whole thing so I was fine, but others who were there still talk about it and embarrass me, making me think all was not fine and I had only succeeded in making a giant ass of myself.
Anyway, imagine my shock when she took someone who has been in the assignment I wanted for many years and removed her from it and appointed me to it, which I did not know was the plan. Without going into all the logistics, which I assure you are quite boring, I said I wanted it in part so I could work with this person because we work so well together, and I love the subject matter. I never imagined I would actually get what I wanted at someone else's expense. This person is a dear friend of mine and came in my room very upset after she got the news. And when I asked her what flaming backstabbing bitch took her job, she looked at me and said "You." To be accurate, she said it with a laugh.
Silence, gaping mouth. I really did not know what to say. So I stammered on about how it was unfair and such. It was a completely lame attempt to make her feel better and I am sure it failed miserably.
I don't think she is angry with me because she knows I wouldn't do that to her or to anyone else; usually when I don't like someone it's pretty obvious and there is not any need to employ subversive screwing over techniques because I will just tell you to fuck off to your face and there is no reason to assume I would expend additional energy to make your life any more miserable. No, not something I would do.
So, I don't know.
I want Thursday to get here and to be good news, and I want my friend at work to be happy on Monday and not pissed off at me and not thinking I somehow stabbed her in the back even though I know she knows I would never do that.
I am hoping this week is a good one . . . here is to optomism! ha ha. I will try, at least.


Carrie said...

I think we must be related, big time!
I could virtually have written this post (however, it wouldn't have been so funny) the parallels are bizarre.
I am also the pessimist of pessimists. I don't mean to be gloomy but, to be fair, life has thrown some shit, it would seem quite unwise to think it would suddenly become a lovely place to be. 'Hope for the best but expect the worse', I try to live like this. Ok, just the 'expect the worst' bit to be honest. Secondly, I am in my first week of stims and I'm convinced that tomorrow's scan (day 8!) is going to bring some awful news.
I have also had a HUGE fight with my boss at a staff meeting recently. Well I fought, she just kept saying, 'I'm sorry you feel this way.' which was making me even more mad. My colleague/friend who was there told me afterwards that she had her eyes shut at one point, she thought I was really going to self destruct. I had to apologise the next day, 'the message remains but the method was out of order' kind of speech. THEN, in spite of my behaviour, my boss gave me a task that she was originally going to do and I was expressing a real interest in, and I forgot to go to the meeting. Forgot!
In my defence, it was the day after finding out this IVF would go ahead despite the chemical pregnancy during the down regs. I couldn't really think of anything else. Of course my boss doesn't know this. She just thinks I'm an idiot!
Anyway, rather a long comment, sorry! Just wanted you to know you are so not alone.
I hope the stims go just fine.
E mail me if you fancy a 'chat'
Thinking of you x

Geohde said...

Hoping your scan brings good news. And your work situation does not become any more traumatic.

Isabel said...

Oh dude, congrats, sort of? On your job. Hope you get the Thursday good news.

peep said...

I hated the first days of a new stim because I didn't know how I was responding. I hope Thursday gets here before you know it.

Abby said...

Glad to see you are back blogging. I hear you on things going from as I like to say "Rainboes and Unicorns" to well "Crap". I hope you stim cycle goes well. What made you make the move to IVF, just curious, as I am considering te big jump!