"You know, you don't really know what love is until you have kids. It's changed my life so much and I can't imagine going through life without them. I mean, I know people do, but man. How empty."
- from a male coworker who knows I've started IVF; as we watched his kids playing. I should add I am not angry or upset at this completely insensitive and rather banal comment because this person might be the biggest idiot I've met in a long time. I don't think he can't help anything that comes out of his mouth even if he wanted to. He also added "just wait, you'll end up with twins." Ah, yes. Of course. And remember, they're implanted, not transferred.
I've started suppression for my Very First IVF. The best part is that I never really stopped bleeding from my last period - my body *hearts* to spot brown on the BCPs, and the Lupron! Oh! Even more so. It's been great being all Leaky McLeaky for the last couple of weeks. I took my last BCP three days ago and started what I believe to be a period today. It seems kind of soon, but who can judge. It looks as though I will start the big drugs this week.
In an attempt to get my anxiety under control, I began taking Z.oloft. I was told I would be sleepy for a few days, but that would wear off, and then my moods would stabilize and I would "see a drastic decrease in racing thoughts, shortness of breath, irritability, and just in general, you will stop acting all crazy and shit." The prospect of not being crazy anymore relieved me greatly, and my husband even more so. I couldn't wait to walk around in a medicated haze, stopping to smell the flowers and smiling plastically at work. Is this everyone's secret who seems so damned happy at work? Unfortunately, it was not meant to be for me. The first day I took it, I was awake until 3 am, wandering my home like a vagrant - chewing on my nails, talking to myself, swatting at invisible Crazy Bugs. It was horrible. So I stopped. I haven't pursued any additional anti anxiety/anti depressants yet, but has anyone else had this reaction from Z.oloft? I will talk to my dr. about this next week when I go in for a suppression check and see what she has to say about my reaction and what I could try instead. I've toyed with the idea of seeing a therapist. I just don't feel like I have that much to say. Maybe I have more to say than I think.
It feels good to write another blog entry again, and I am still the shitty commenter I've always been. I have 39 feeds on my bloglines so I have to excuse as I've been reading everyone's updates about once a week. As always, I vow to get better about this.
I hope I still have some readers out there - there's nothing like a blog about infertility that takes a year to actually get going with some real treatments. What can I say? I love to procrastinate. So do my ovaries.
P.S. I tried to spell check but it's not cooperating. If you see any egregious spelling errors, please disregard. Or print it out and mark the shit out of it in red ink. Whatever makes you feel at peace.
ETA: About the z.oloft . . . it was prescribed by the therapist at my RE's office. After we had our counseling appointment, she stressed that I need to be under the care of a psychatrist while I take medication. She was very responsible about it and did not call in any refills and said she wouldn't until she knew who I was seeing regularly. I really, really don't like to go. I've seen two - once as a teenager and once as a child, and to be honest I found them to be rather annoying - patronizing even. So I hesitate to go. It's also difficult to find one convenient to me, who specializes in infertility/anxiety disorders, takes appointments late in the day and who is under my insurance plan. I am thinking about asking her for a referral to someone in my area because she practices about 45 minutes away - and that's with no traffic in the afternoons. I did like her, so it is a shame.