Friday, February 23, 2007

Crap.

Well, still doing good physically. But I wasn't prepared for the hormonal fallout. I was planning on going back to work today but I think that would've been a supremely bad idea.

Anyway.

Now, instead of people telling me such gems as "Relax and it will happen" "Drink some wine/robitussin/cyanide" "Go on a vacation - hey, have you heard about that package for infertile couples in the Bahamas? It's supposed to really work!"

I get

"Wow! At least now you know you can GET pregnant - and on your OWN!" And perhaps most unfortunately, the loudest proponents in this sunshine committee are my husband and mother.

Um, yeah. But pregnant with what exactly? I mean, it did stop developing and forced me to go through a D&C. Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to go through this again.

I should explain first that my husband is wonderful and has incredible qualities that I'm so happy to have in a husband.

But.

He has the unnerving ability to look bad news smack in the face and deny the significance of it's existence. For example, this last time my beta numbers were very low but they did double!, he would say excitedly, and then my heart would break just a little more. And then we went in for the first ultrasound and the sac was measuring a week behind dates and the embryo was 2 days behind. And I knew it was only a matter of time. Especially when they moved my due date back 5 freaking days. On the other hand my husband found studies on the internet relating to small sac sizes and fetal demise, and he was sure since the sac to embryo ratio was not great but also not nearly as bad as it could be, we still had a reasonable chance at success. Look! It says here that 75% of sacs of our size with our dates will self correct. And when my pregnancy symptoms would come and go, and were not very strong anyway after the first week, he would say Why do you always have to be so negative, why can't you look on the bright side - the odds are in our favor. And then we would fight, because the last part, the odds are in our favor, well, I just found that to be one of the most incredibly naive things he'd said, maybe ever.

The anxiety of this pregnancy was bad enough, but the anxiety of knowing my husband was about to encounter one of the worst days of his life completely unprepared was infinitely worse.

13 comments:

Sarah said...

i SOOOOO relate to all of that. my husband didn't really get it until HIS two closest friends' wive's were pregnant (like, 3 months ago). and suddenly it's like we're on the same page now. also like you said, venting things online that i know he can't be very helpful about has helped ENORMOUSLY.

they're so great, but they will never be women. (thank god!).

Kate said...

Oh yes, the optimists in our lives. The "glass is half full" people. I love them, really, but sometimes things are just not good and there is no point for optimism. I remember telling my husband that I was worried about pregnancy symptoms being too mild, and he told me that I should just be thankful. And I so much wished he was right. After the ultrasound during which we found out that the baby died, he actually told me, "It was mother’s intuition. You knew things weren’t going right"--which I assume was his way of saying sorry for not really listening to me.

If you can, tell your hubby and your mom to stop. Tell them you need time to grieve. Tell them you need to linger in the past and be sad for a while and not try to find the silver lining in this. Tell them you will let them know when you are ready to look to the future and share in their optimism. For now, you need to grieve.

Watson said...

My husband is also a supreme optimist, even if his views defy all logic:

He was SURE we'd get pregnant on our own. He was SURE clomid alone would. Then he was positive the IUIs would work. Then he was REALLY POSITIVE taking Metformin would work.

Then I stopped listening to him.

I am so sorry you had to go through this, take it easy and let yourself heal, in all the different ways.

Melissa said...

It must be a husband thing....This is probably the #1 topic we aregue about-infertility-wise. And then, then we found out we were facing male factor...That kinda grounded him a little bit. But only for a while.

It's hard to be the realist. It makes us seem like assesbut at least we're open. At least we're maybe a tiny bit prepared....I dunno...But I am totally agreeing with you and feeling for you right now.

I really really hope things start to get better in your neck of the woods.

If I lived next door, I'd bring you a smoothie, instead of a myster casserole, and I wouldn't tell you that "at least you know you can get pregnant."

Just a hug, and a smoothie. K?

theoneliner said...

oh good grief. i'm generally an optimist but not when it somes to infertility. and i'd like to meet the woman who is.
sorry your otherwisw wonderful husband is delusional when it comes to infertility.

Sticky Bun said...

we had a lot of that "at least you can get pregnant", too. So frustrating!!

And, as for the husband thing, I so hear you. Every month, without fail, mine says he thinks we're pregnant. I suppose he's bound to be right at some point, but come ON...

Patience said...

Just found you via the oneliner- and I'm so sorry that you're going through this crap. I love my boy to bits too, but alas he just doesn't get it...

Bumble said...

When I was having the scan during my mc, my hubby's face lit up so brightly when he saw a tiny sac on the screen, shouting, "there it is, there it is!" to the nurse who hadn't seen it yet supposedly. He was so excited, saying it would all turn out fine, but I knew. He really took it hard when he realised it WOULDN'T turn out fine. Sometimes his optimism is nice though, it gives me hope and keeps me going but sometimes we just know better don't we.

Look after yourself...

Nicole said...

Take good care of yourself right now, my friend. Lots of loving care. I am so sorry you and husband weren't on the same page. Seems like that is more often the case than not. Like Sarah said, they are great but they will never be women.

Anns said...

Even though I have perpetual optimistic tendencies myself, I am also frustrated by the chearing squad that thinks it's helpful to remind us that we can start the job but not finish it. In fact, I've taken to just tuning those people out.. and whenever the topic of my m/c comes up around them I rapidly change the topic.

Another interesting thing I found was that your due date was pushed 5 days back at your 1st u/s -- interestingly, mine was too. We knew exactly when we conceived and the dates didn't align with what our Doc saw... I m/c 6 weeks later... is this a red flag we should look for at our 1st u/s? (sorry, may seem like to a no brainer but perhaps I should have mentioned to my Doc early on that things didn't sound right to me)

tipsymarie said...

anns -

well, i have plenty of friends who've had their dates pushed back only to deliever healthy babies. i guess if you know the exact dates, then it *might* be a red flag, but I don't know.

Chris said...

Sorry you're dealing with this and sorry people suck. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Alexa said...

I just found your blog, and we have a lot in common. I could SO relate to this post. When my Hcg came back at 15 in January, I knew it was not a viable pregnancy, but during the five day wait for a repeat beta, my fiance's hopefullness was more excruciating than my anxiety. He was crushed when it didn't work out. I also relate to the "At least you got pregnant!" comments--small consolation when you have PCOS and a history of miscarriage.
I am really sorry for everything you have been through.