Monday, February 19, 2007

more about today

Not sure if anyone is reading this yet, so if you are, here is what happened today. But to explain that, I have to go back to some time about 6 weeks ago. Or, to be a little too specific, maybe 8.

I got a positive test on a saturday morning. This is a year, almost to the day, of my last (and first) positive test, which happened after the World's Longest Stim, followed by a cancellation, then another stim on quite a bit of drug. It turned out to be a chemical. Followed by another IUI, which was a negative, and we were referred to IVF. We weren't ready. So instead, I decided to go on a break (read: on the pill, off metformin, prenatals, baby aspirin, charting, CM checking, and general daily obsessing). This break was heavenly, normal cycles, predictable periods, only a little spotting here and there.

So, we decided, hey, why not tempt fate? And I stopped pills. No met. First cycle was a wonderous 30 days. But nothing. The next, exactly 7 days longer (which was my pattern before the IUI's. Kind of weird, no?) And then, a positive test. Yeah, I was in shock. I mean, ON OUR OWN? Kind of crazy.

But the inital betas were kind of low, even though they were doubling. So I tried my hardest to remain optomistic. We went in for the first scan, and lo and behold, there was a sac with something inside. And the sac was measuring about a week behind. The baby, fetus, embryo, whatever you call it that early (I prefer baby) was on track. Just the tinest flutter of a heartbeat had begun. My husband was over the moon. He was sure it was going to work.
I, in all my realistic pessimism, was not.

And as much as I love being right, I did not want to be about this. We went today, 2 weeks from the last, and the baby hadn't grown. I think it might have even been a little smaller. The sac was way, way, behind. And no heartbeat.

And so here we are, staring down the monster again. Yuck.


theoneliner said... this just sucks. everything about it sucks. i'm so so sorry. goodness this world is a cruel, cruel world sometimes.
thalia told me the best advice when i m/c'ed (way earlier which was a whole different story...sheesh i can't imagine)....

let yourself mourn. cry. b/c you cannot let this unimaginable grief stay inside you.....
i would....sometimes before work...sit in the middle of our bedroom and ugly cry...with face and hands. sobbing.
it felt good.
take care, sweetie and i send warm wishes for a healthy but short as possible mourning.


Bumble said...

Hi there. I'm sorry, so sorry. This is so damn unfair. And it will take time to heal. Mine was over a year ago and I still cry alot. I'm thinking about you, so sorry you're going through this hell. Look after yourselves. xxx

Watson said...


Came over via The Oneliner because basically I do whatever she tells me to.

I'm sorry that your blog has to start off on such a difficult note.

I hope there's some comfort in knowing there's an amazing community of women out here (and one pretty cool dude named Smarshy) and we're all on this train together.

I wish I had the perfect thing to say at such a time, but I don't think there is such a thing, except that I'm sorry for your loss.

Take care of yourself, okay?

Alice said...

It is so painful. So awful. I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself--allow yourself to grieve. Do not listen to others who expect you to snap out of it instantaneously--it is a death, and, like any other death, there is no time limit on grief.

Melissa said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now. Sending you prayers & good thoughts.

My Reality said...

I am here via the oneliner. I am so sorry to meet you under these circumstances. This just isn't fair.

And Watson is right, this is an amazing group of women (and Smarshy) who all understand the heartbreak of all of this.

Take care of yourself.

Jessica said...

I know you don't know me, read your blog through Melissa's. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I only hope you can feel some comfort and peace through it all. I know it will take time. I will add you to my prayers.

GZ said...

I am also here via the oneliner. Its a pretty shitty club, but we're glad to have you in it with us...(And I mean that in the nicest way possible.)

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I agree with oneliner (and Thaila.) Let yourself cry until your eyes are swollen shut and your head aches. As many times as you need to...

We're thinking of you!

Sticky Bun said...

I'm so so sorry. It's all so spectacularly unfair, and we're all thinking of you. You're not alone, though I'm so so sorry that you (or any of us) are part of this...'club'.

Our thoughts are with you...

Cathleen said...

I am so sorry.

I don't know what else to say. I hope you find a small amount of comfort out here in blogland.

Take care.

LJ said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this - again.

Breathe when you can, cry as you need, and know that many of women out here are thinking of you tonight.

Kate said...

I am so, so sorry. It is so heartbreaking. I had my m/c on Dec. 4, and just in the last two weeks, I've been starting to feel fairly normal again (though I don't expect to ever fully get over it). So please give yourself time to grieve. I so sorry for your loss.

SmarshyBoy said...

So sorry to read this. Please take care of yourself.