Um, Bumble?

I just saw you are pwp on bloglines - please email me - tipsymarie at gmail dot com.

I hope everything is ok.

baby showers bring . . . not sadness, jealousy, grief or anger but happiness?! Huh?

I am so boring right now. We aren't really trying to get pg anymore*, just coasting. Actually, it is a load off, and I can focus on other things. Which is nice, I mean, I am so tired of thinking about my eggs/uterus/etc. I am excited to see the new wave of BFP's in the blogosphere, it gives me new hope. Ha ha! Hope. Now THAT'S funny.

Sooo, yeah. The baby shower.

One of my best friends has a baby shower coming up - she is due about two weeks later than I would've been if I hadn't miscarried. Now, you would think that:

1. I would be really sad and jealous just at the mere sight of her, with her cute round tummy. You know, because I would be comparing her with what I should look like had I not lost the baby.

2. Unable to cope with said sadness and jealousy, and not really talking to her.

3. Most def not going to the shower.

Nope. This is where I think I am some sort of infertile freak. I am not jealous. At all. In fact, I am really happy and excited for her. I am looking forward to her shower and helping out. It would've been really cool to be due together - we both got married two weeks apart, so having our babies that way would just be the icing on the cake. And the fact that I would've been pg without IVF or any other ART. You know, the whole pg thing is pretty nice for free.

But other than that, no. I am more than ok with it - I can't wait for the baby to get here.

And this is where it gets really weird. She was talking about how soon the baby would be here, and all the changes they would need to make in the house, how they spend money, when they go out socially, etc. And while she is overjoyed to be a mom, she was honestly freaked out about what was about to happen. And I was relieved it wasn't me. Relieved I wasn't the one sitting there, worrying where to put the baby furniture and how the dog will react and where will we get the money for _______ and on and on and on and on. Relieved.



WHAT?!!!

That's what I said, inside my head. Here I am, trying to get pg for over two years, spent thousands of dollars, two mc's, disappointment after disappointment, and I was relieved I am not the one who is pregnant??!!!!!!

Seriously. What the fuck is that? Have I gotten so far down the hole of IF I've come out the other side into some alternate universe?

*Not NOT trying. Just continuing to put of IVF until we have the money, or a reasonable way to get it. Which let me say, insurance in this state FUCKING SUCKS.

what's a girl to do?

I used to have loads of healthy self esteem in my early 20's. I was blessed with this partially because I discovered that I felt like an unstoppable force of feminine wile after a few drinks, so that made it easier to *heart* myself. I could talk to anyone, dazzling them with my coy charm - or so I thought. At any rate, boys noticed me and paid me lots of attention. This is when I met my husband - when I was on.

My teens, not so much. I always felt rather awkward and for lack of a better word, jumbly. I was teenage angst personified. I scowled as much as was possible for a well loved and supported 16 year old. I had a terrible case self doubt and hated my soft curves and slightly exotic appearance. I wanted nothing more than to be blonde, blue eyed and petite. Subsequently, I had a small flirty relationship with an eating disorder. She and I got along well, but eventually I had to tell her goodbye. High school for me was a mildly disturbing journey through both physical and social anxieties. I could never get the cute guy or master looking like I didn't care what others thought of me when I cared more than anything in the world.

This past weekend, D and I went to his class reunion. For the life of me, I did not understand why he would want to go, but he was all the things I was not. He actually enjoyed his time in adolescence. His ex girlfriend was there. She's all the things women dread in their husband's exes. Tall and lithe, naturally tan, dark long hair and a dazzling smile. Very flirty, and this is not a snarky thing, but could (and would) flirt with a lamppost. And make it look like a good idea. I noticed him looking at her several times - I couldn't tell if he was staring or just, you know, glancing about the room where she happened to be standing.

So the comparisons began between the two of us began in my dinged up psyche. She's this, I'm that, etc. All those feelings of inadequacy I thought I'd left far behind came back in a flood, but now with the added fun of actually being inadequate due to my piece of shit eggs. That mess was back, now with infertility and marital jealousy. Oh, what fun it was.

So I did what any self respecting infertile goddess would do - I had several glasses of wine, shook my hair down and took my husband for a little fun in the backseat of our car at the after party.

After all, I am good at some things.

N.ancy f'ing G.race* is pregnant?!

Is this real?

And yet my eggs are as useful at creating life as 10 year old K.roger bags? Wait.

I give up.


Not really.


But only because I am a self flagellating idiot who loves a challenge.


*I've never met her. I'm sure she is v.v. nice.

what's going on.

I am really bad at titles.

I started the acupuncture, and it turns out I am all kinds of fvcked up. It would've been pretty cool if she had actually said "Yep. You are all kinds of fucked up. Welcome."

She looked at my tongue, took my pulse, and palpated my abdomen and neck and shoulders for soreness. This has caused me to apply the same zeal to the color, shape and coating of my tongue that I used to apply to early pg symptoms. I palpate my abdomen as much as I used to poke my boobies. I'm not kidding. I must check about 10 times a day. That's probably not doing me any good. If it did, I would already have a child.

I don't know how i feel about the acupuncture just yet. Part of me thinks it's working, I feel less anxious, but not all the time. My I.B.S. is somewhat better, but not as good as it used to be when I had less stress. (And a considerably terrible diet.) I am going to definitely give it more time, this is only my second week. It is sooo relaxing, although sometimes it hurts when she places the needles. She said that's where I have stagnation. Apparently, I have a lot of that. Stagnation is caused in part by unfulfilled desires. Hmph. I might have some of those too. I've been reading The I.nfertility Cur.e, so I am trying to cut things out of my diet that might make my problem worse. Unfortunately, they are all things that taste really good.

I pretty much don't like many vegetables. Or brown rice. Or chicken. If I could, I would live on diary and refined carbs punctuated with protein offered by way of a cheeseburger. Oh, and co.ke and coffee. And vodka martinis with extra olives.

These days, I am trying to stuff as many veggies down my throat as I can, and considerably less of the bad stuff. I think the first thing I will do once I have a child is order some S.onic. Maybe. I don't think I can mix a drink while still in the maternity ward. I assume they frown on that kind of thing?

We had our consult with a new RE today. Henceforth, he will be known as Dr. Good.

Other options considered for names:
1. Dr. Lowtalk
2. Dr. New
3. Dr. Calmdemeanor
4. Dr. Reallyexplainsstuffwell
5. Dr. Thorough

Yeah. I liked Dr. Good the best too. It's simple, and gets to the point of why we liked him.

Dr. Good and his office staff were roughly 100 times more professional, soothing, and downright calming than my previous RE's office. He went over my entire chart (apparently, it was the longest they'd ever gotten by fax, still not sure if this was a backhanded complement or just an observation of my screwed upness, but anyway, anecdotally interesting), explaining what he would do and why, and what everything meant, and what our odds were if we proceed with IVF. Very thorough, very professional, great sense of humor. Talked to us like we had brains. It was truly refreshing and we felt that IVF with him would be, dare I say, not as anxiety inducing as I feared. We are definitely going with his practice. He was supportive of acupuncture and wanted me to continue with it. They actually tell their patients to use it to manage stress. All and all, it made us feel SO much better about the whole process, and instead of having a huge sense of dread about the whole thing, I can't wait to get started. It will be awhile though, because of the whole money issue. I just love insurance that doesn't cover much.

Wow. I feel pretty good.

I am so sorry to you

That you had to search for this on google:
no heartbeat at 6 week scan sac very small after ivf.

Because:
1. Your doctor wasn't as forthcoming as he or she should've been about your ultrasound. Don't we all know that familiar feeling?
2. You are all alone, looking for any comforting answer from Dr. Google.
3. There probably isn't one out there and instead you've scared yourself even more.
4. You made it all the way through IVF, and this is the outcome.

Honey, whoever you are, I hope this turns out OK.

And I hope you come back.

a case study in how infertility screws with really good friendships

1. she got pg on "accident" last sept.
2. they were in no way ready to be pg, her husband just "forgot" to pull out. or he did, and mysteriously she got pg anyway. that's the official story but I'm going with my hunch because he's said things like "what if i got you pg on purpose". right. what if.
3. she kept freaking out she was pg. what are we going to do, we can't afford it, we have to move out of this dump, etc. all i wanted to say was why didn't you use FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL!! but i didn't. 'cause i'm such a great friend.
4. instead, i kind of distanced myself from her for a little while, and stopped talking to her altogether when i got pg. because i was a mess, nervous and neurotic, and we weren't telling anyone because things always were on the verge of disaster. it was just too hard. we were barely functioning as it was.
5. and eventually, she said basically "why aren't you talking to me?" and i told her everything. the pg, mc, d&c. (how's that for an overuse of acronyms?)
6. she was completely understanding and quite possibly was the most supportive of any of my friends that found out. maybe that's not entirely fair, though, because i've kind of refused to talk about it unless someone gently shoves me to, and she did. and i am so grateful for it.
7. pg progresses totally normally. no issues, except for a mild case of gestational diabetes.
8. they induced her monday at 3. she had her baby at 8:30. 5.5 hours. she went home a day and a half later with a healthy little one.

What is the word for this? Envy? Jealousy? Maybe, I guess, but I don't FEEL spiteful or hateful or any of those things. I am happy their baby is here and healthy and they are doing well and have a bright future ahead for their new family.

Someone needs to create a word for this feeling and get it in W.ebster's Infertile Dictionary ASAP.

But first, I guess someone needs to write a W.ebster's Infertile Dictionary.