Jess at The Problem with Hope just wrote a very similar post, and she's done it - more than once I might add. Props to you, Jess, I am still too chicken to pull out the big guns.
Man, am I sick of this question. Friends mean well, sure, but they have no idea what IVF is all about. The other day, I really great and very well meaning friend of mine asked me this. She said, "you know, it is probably your best shot." True, she is right. It is our best shot.
But is it our only shot?
Hmm. Of course, no one, including our Dr. E, can tell us the answer to this question.
We met with him today, and as expected, he recommended IVF with PGD given my two previous losses, one conclusively because of chromosomal abnormalities. He thinks the first, an early chemical, was also abnormal. So to be on the safe and proactive side, he recommended the PGD. He also recommended a microdose flare protocol since I respond like a stoned slacker to stims. He does not know why a early 30's PCOS patient would respond this way, but it is what it is.
I am still.not.ready.to.do.IVF.
There are just too many "what if we'd trieds" that I can't ignore. You know, along the lines of "What if we tried going to see the Infertility Goddess in the mountains of Peru. I heard her success rates for live birth are phenomenally high."
So, I talked to D about it last night, and he is fine with waiting a little longer. When I told Dr. E I still wasn't ready (I told him this a year ago at our last IVF consult) he kind of smiled a little and said "ok."
I think well, we did do it on our own, and yes, it wasn't a success obviously, but . . . the "it only takes one good egg" keeps playing around in my brain. Just one. One little ball of genetic material smaller than a period at the end of this sentence. Hmmm. It is unreal the amount of energy I expend daily thinking about something so small.
So what to do? I don't know. I know I'm not ready to do any fertility treatments of any kind. I am ready to relax and enjoy the spring and summer months, working in the yard and taking my dog to the park and remembering what things were like in our marriage cue the music Before Trying to Get Pregnant.
Ah, those days. Spontaneous sex in the kitchen we did clean the counter, don't worry germ phobes, staying out late with friends, just in love and not concerned about the future in the least, because we are young, and therefore entitled to a carefree existence. Right? I do believe we all are. So I am taking that and running with it for awhile, and when I am ready to obsessively worry about things out of my control, I will return to the IVF/ART idea again.
So, we will see what happens and how successful I am at this. I am curious to see myself.
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3 comments:
i too worry about having to pull out the big guns...kudos to you for deciding to enjoy the summer. it sounds like a great plan to me!
also, your last post was beatiful -- heartbreakingly so.
I so hear you. Our RE has told us the same thing (IVF with PGD) but I just cannot do it yet. It's like I'm taking my last chance if I go with IVF. Plus the thought of spending $15K or so on a cycle that goes bust makes me want to weep. And scream. And just go insane.
i 100% agree with not going forward with something you're not ready for. ivf is draining, you want to be prepared for it. and you've been through a lot lately, you absolutely deserve some time off from all treatment worries. i totally think you're right to follow what feels right to you.
however, (assvice warning) the whole ttc thing became MUCH easier for me once i got to a point of accepting ivf. and then actually doing it was not so much a big deal. i sincerely hope you don't need it, i'm just sharing how it happened for me. best wishes to you, and i hope you have a fabulous time enjoying summer!
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