Wednesday, May 2, 2007

random musings

There is no coherency to this post, just felt like writing.

1. I talked to my IUI nurse today, well, actually, she left a message. There is a protocol in place, but nothing can get going until I have a pap smear and repeat labs for me and D. I know WHY, but I'm already overextended right now and I just don't feel like going through all the tests again. But seriously, it's making me get pap smears about once a year, which is good.

2. One of my best friends just told me she's pregnant. 13 weeks, and they've heard the heartbeat and things look good. Of course, I am sad and happy at the same time, to which I know we are all familiar. Especially since she's had two previous mc's before this, which is why she waited so long to tell me. I responded with a trillion questions of course, because I like all the details, and she wrote back that she was so relieved I was happy for her. That made me really, really sad, that it even was something she was worried about. It's the happiest she's been in a very very long time, and yet my infertility was a source of sadness for her. The only thing I could think to muster was as flat and shallow as a "Sorry, man."; so I decided to repeat how happy I am for her and her husband. Can't go wrong there, I guess.

3. It's nearing the end of the school year, and I don't remember ever being so ready for the summer. No, not because I will lounge about in La P.erla all day, being fed grapes and having angels brush my silken hair, as all teachers are wont to do in our summers, but because I can focus on my health regimen. Of what this means exactly I do not know, but it sounds really good. Health regimen. As in, do not mess with me and my health regimen.

4. D and I have finally reached a really wonderful place in our relationship, so if you really love each other, it can work. I hate to get all Pollyanna on your asses, but I believe it to be true. I was thinking on the way to work today about everything that has happened since we got married, and no wonder. It's a whole mess of stuff. I will share this later when I stop being so paranoid about who will read this on the internet, or perhaps more specifically, when I stop being so paranoid about getting real. Thanks Dr. Phil, I know I have a problem "getting real". I am still not really sure what this means, but I do know after several glasses of a nice Pinot Noir, I can spill all the details of my emotional issues like . . . {insert the simile of your choice here from the options below}

a. cool water spilling forth freely from a clear crystal carafe
b. an boisterous, wriggling puppy breaking from your embrace to lick you silly
c. slippery, shiny intestines spilling out of a carcass

That last one just would not leave my head. Maybe too much late night Animal.Planet, maybe a little subconscious action. Wonder what that means about the way I view my emotions. Messy? Check. Rather not see it? Check. Totally want to avoid the experience all together? Check.

So, what about some of you? Are you iffy about giving emotional details or are you comfortable delving into your psyches?


My Reality said...

I am comfortable delving into my inner feelings and acknowledging them to myself. But I am not comfortable sharing them with many other people. Just about everyone in my real life knows about our infertility, but nobody really knows my feelings on the issue. So, I guess the answer to your question is a little of both.

Hmmm, maybe I need to post my real feelings. Or maybe not.

As for #2, I think you handled the situation well. One of my best friends is about to give birth and it is so bittersweet for me.

I wish there was someway that this was easier for all of us.

Nicole said...

I have to say that after a long period of "getting real with Dr. Phil", I now officially hate that guy.

I am all about my feelings on the internet, but with others I choose a more self deprecating approach. I usually say something about things sucking and then give a big see-I'm-fine and happy smile. Ugh. Thank goodness for my bloggie buddies.

Sarah said...

well you're certainly off to a good start sharing things honestly here, which i think is the appropriate place. why should we have to share these things more publicly?

Sticky Bun said...

Yeah, I'm definitely more honest in my posts than irl sometimes. Echoing Nicole, I definitely irl flash the "oh, everything's just grand!" smile. ugh.

And, I just found out yesterday that a friend is about 12 weeks pregnant, too. It's so so bittersweet to get that kind of news...

Coffeegrl said...

I think I'm pretty comfortable sharing my inner feelings with friends in real life - about everything but this issue. And it's so weird & frustrating to feel that this topic is somehow too taboo or makes people uncomfortable or whatever that causes me to stuff it all down instead of talking about it. I swear I have days I feel like my head might explode from trying to hold it all inside....

decemberbaby said...

i share my inner feelings with the important people IRL... and the ones who won't say totally stupid things.

Adrienne said...

That last simile made me laugh out loud! That's exactly how I feel when I'm pouring out my I'm being disemboweled. (Snort.)

And Dr. Phil can bite me.

Carrie said...

I'm not emotional irl. In fact I'm not even straight with my best friends about what we're going through. They don't know we're trying to get pregnant at all. I've told them it's not for me! I don't even know why. Baring my emotions leaves me feeling very vulnerable and I don't like that.

I'm sorry that your friend has to look out for you and , no matter how much you want to, you can't be 100% happy for her ( without feeling sad too) It's an awful situation. You sound like you handled it well but I know it hurts. It really does.

Chili said...

I find it easier to let it all out online. IRL, every time I let out some sort of emotion about our situation, it seems to open the door for someone to say something completely inane that just makes it worse, so I tend to keep my mouth shut.

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

i think i am waaaayyyy to honest on my blog and a little less so in real life.

and too much in my marriage. but we're very i guess it can't be too bad.

how's the end of school shaping up???

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

hey, i just ended a sentence with a preposition on your blog. i feel very daring.