I've decided to stop writing this blog, at least for a little while.
I didn't want to just stop updating entirely. I can't stand it when people do that; just stop with no explanation.
I have nothing really new or interesting to say. Yes, I can't have a baby. Yes, that sucks. How many times/different ways/situations can I say it? It's damaged our marriage (but honestly, things were much, much worse a year ago), my self esteem, and even my outlook on life will never be the same. I just don't care to dwell upon this anymore. 2 1/2 years is long enough to let this run my life.
My mother is in remission from a cancer that could return and most likely will, given it's course. My sister has other health issues that make it impossible for her to have another child, which she was hoping to do in the new year. It puts the infertility my husband and I have experienced in perspective and almost makes me feel ashamed for all of this self centered whinging I do from time to time.
I have so many things in my life that make me happy. I think the best thing for me to do is think about those as much as possible. Which I've been doing more of lately. I still have bad days (Christmas Eve was one of these days), but you know what? Feeling sorry for myself still hasn't resulted in a baby yet. I don't think it ever will, so it's time for me to move on from this self imposed pity party as much as I can.
We aren't cycling now, and when we start, I will have more to say. So, please don't drop me from your bloglines or stop checking in. More interesting and witty repertoire will come eventually. The dildocam has missed me, or so I've heard.
I finally got good and angry at the infertility monster. I am kicking her out (or more likely, locking her in a dark closet at the back of my psyche) for good. And I am going to win this fight.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
hot mess
That's what I've been lately.
I haven't shaved my head and flashed my junk at the paparazzi (seriously, why? why? would this seem like a good idea for any reason?), but for a working girl who can't have no babies living in the 'burbs, I've done things that could be equivalents.
Such as:
- losing it (not the crying kind, the getting frustrated kind) in a meeting at work over nothing - really.
- subsequently getting chewed out in front of everyone at said meeting
- I don't think it was as bad as I thought, several people slapped me on the back and said "You've got a set!" Or maybe for this reason it was as bad as I thought? Who knows and who cares. Oh, me.
- considered walking out while humming "Take This Job and Shove It"; but realized I love too many things about my job to leave. Oh, and I need the money.
- trying to explain to D why I don't want to have sex with him anymore and actually using the phrase "It's not you, it's me." I used to have quite the desire for sexy time, so this is a tough one to explain.
- talking to myself in the car and gesticulating wildly, enough to draw the attention of several people stopped along with me at the red light. On more than one day.
- moving from the depths of despair and then to giddy happiness. All.day.long.
This IVF has got to start soon. Of course, in the true fashion of all things I still have one more test that must be repeated - a sonohystogram (spelling anyone? I don't know about this. Something doesn't look right, but you know what I mean). Which as many of you know, can only be done on certain days of a cycle, and they only had one appointment available in the middle of the day this time. I couldn't get away from work for several reasons. I know you're thinking "Priorities!" but I don't want to compromise work for this even more than I'm going to in a few weeks. So it's out and we wait one more cycle. And mine are unpredictable. Dammit.
I haven't shaved my head and flashed my junk at the paparazzi (seriously, why? why? would this seem like a good idea for any reason?), but for a working girl who can't have no babies living in the 'burbs, I've done things that could be equivalents.
Such as:
- losing it (not the crying kind, the getting frustrated kind) in a meeting at work over nothing - really.
- subsequently getting chewed out in front of everyone at said meeting
- I don't think it was as bad as I thought, several people slapped me on the back and said "You've got a set!" Or maybe for this reason it was as bad as I thought? Who knows and who cares. Oh, me.
- considered walking out while humming "Take This Job and Shove It"; but realized I love too many things about my job to leave. Oh, and I need the money.
- trying to explain to D why I don't want to have sex with him anymore and actually using the phrase "It's not you, it's me." I used to have quite the desire for sexy time, so this is a tough one to explain.
- talking to myself in the car and gesticulating wildly, enough to draw the attention of several people stopped along with me at the red light. On more than one day.
- moving from the depths of despair and then to giddy happiness. All.day.long.
This IVF has got to start soon. Of course, in the true fashion of all things I still have one more test that must be repeated - a sonohystogram (spelling anyone? I don't know about this. Something doesn't look right, but you know what I mean). Which as many of you know, can only be done on certain days of a cycle, and they only had one appointment available in the middle of the day this time. I couldn't get away from work for several reasons. I know you're thinking "Priorities!" but I don't want to compromise work for this even more than I'm going to in a few weeks. So it's out and we wait one more cycle. And mine are unpredictable. Dammit.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
how organized are you?
After realizing that I've never, ever kept track of the many doctor's appointments, blood draws, results, cycle monitoring, test dates and their results, questions for the doctor, etc., I came to the conclusion that it might be wise to start. You know, for FUTURE REFERENCE WHEN I MEET WITH MY NEW RE SO I WON'T LOOK LIKE A TOTAL DUMBASS AT OUR VERY IMPORTANT IVF CONSULT APPOINTMENT; BECAUSE HE MIGHT MAKE US A BABY AND THAT IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
I am so not a type A. And this whole process is very type A. It doesn't suit me in the least. Like planning our wedding. I just didn't care about any of the details. I literally spent about 10 minutes choosing the food selections. It all tasted good and it was a very reputable catering company, so I figured just go with it. I let the venue where our reception was held choose the linens, glassware, and centerpieces. They kept asking "Now Tipsymarie, are you sure it's ok for us to make such important decisions regarding your WEDDING DAY?" I was expecting one of them to explode, but it never happened. Oh man. So high strung and so serious.about.weddings. I tried on a total of 8 dresses over a couple of trips to various small stores and decided on one almost immediately. I ordered my veil and bridesmaid dresses sight unseen from the interweb, and I am not kidding when I tell you I ordered my invitations from Party City. I know, some of you just recoiled in horror. It's ok because those damn things just went in the trash as soon as they were opened. I'm pretty sure the only person who will frame it is me. It currently sits in our living room. The only thing I really tried to plan was the music selection, because I didn't want to hear any annoying Top 40 shit. I wanted people to dance and have fun, so I did make sure we had a plan in place for an open bar that had everyone's favorites.
It was only natural and expected I take a laissez faire approach to things others find to need more planning. I bought my prom dress the night before and decided on an engagement ring design I liked in one afternoon. In perhaps the most the most shocking display of Type B ineptitude, I lost the secret notebook girls keep between each other. The one we spent hours decorating with stickers and puff paint and glitter. Oh, I had several friends stop speaking to me because of that loss. BFF, not so much.
When I was in school, I was not the girl with the pink and green kittened out Trapper Keeper divided neatly among the five subjects. Notes and school work were always stuffed into a desk or locker or under the bed or in the car. My teachers were always beyond frustrated with my lack of organization, or more likely, my lack of motivation to become organized.
On Friday, I spent some time making some really pretty, graphically pleasing calendars in Publisher for our Big Giant IVF Binder. If it wouldn't be so weird, I would send a copy to my new RE so he knows I am taking this more seriously that I have anything else in my life. Nothing says serious like a Big Giant Binder Stuffed with Calendars and Test Results.
I can't wait to make the labels and dividers.
I am so not a type A. And this whole process is very type A. It doesn't suit me in the least. Like planning our wedding. I just didn't care about any of the details. I literally spent about 10 minutes choosing the food selections. It all tasted good and it was a very reputable catering company, so I figured just go with it. I let the venue where our reception was held choose the linens, glassware, and centerpieces. They kept asking "Now Tipsymarie, are you sure it's ok for us to make such important decisions regarding your WEDDING DAY?" I was expecting one of them to explode, but it never happened. Oh man. So high strung and so serious.about.weddings. I tried on a total of 8 dresses over a couple of trips to various small stores and decided on one almost immediately. I ordered my veil and bridesmaid dresses sight unseen from the interweb, and I am not kidding when I tell you I ordered my invitations from Party City. I know, some of you just recoiled in horror. It's ok because those damn things just went in the trash as soon as they were opened. I'm pretty sure the only person who will frame it is me. It currently sits in our living room. The only thing I really tried to plan was the music selection, because I didn't want to hear any annoying Top 40 shit. I wanted people to dance and have fun, so I did make sure we had a plan in place for an open bar that had everyone's favorites.
It was only natural and expected I take a laissez faire approach to things others find to need more planning. I bought my prom dress the night before and decided on an engagement ring design I liked in one afternoon. In perhaps the most the most shocking display of Type B ineptitude, I lost the secret notebook girls keep between each other. The one we spent hours decorating with stickers and puff paint and glitter. Oh, I had several friends stop speaking to me because of that loss. BFF, not so much.
When I was in school, I was not the girl with the pink and green kittened out Trapper Keeper divided neatly among the five subjects. Notes and school work were always stuffed into a desk or locker or under the bed or in the car. My teachers were always beyond frustrated with my lack of organization, or more likely, my lack of motivation to become organized.
On Friday, I spent some time making some really pretty, graphically pleasing calendars in Publisher for our Big Giant IVF Binder. If it wouldn't be so weird, I would send a copy to my new RE so he knows I am taking this more seriously that I have anything else in my life. Nothing says serious like a Big Giant Binder Stuffed with Calendars and Test Results.
I can't wait to make the labels and dividers.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
it's 5:40 and i've already been up for an hour
D runs in our city's half marathon every Thanksgiving (well the last one anyway), and I was supposed to run with him this year. Since I didn't really stick with the running program I started three months ago; I decided running 13.1 miles at 7 am on Thanksgiving was probably not the best idea.
It does not mean, however, that I didn't hear the alarm blare loudly first at 4:30 this morning, and then again at 4:39.
So I went ahead and got up. Lest you think getting up at 4:39 am is a bad idea, it's really great. Really.
I get to see D before he leaves.
I started the Sweet Potato Souffle so I'm not doing that at the last minute.
I might work out. Hey! I really might.
We are driving down to the inlaws later this morning so it will be nice not to rush. Everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
It does not mean, however, that I didn't hear the alarm blare loudly first at 4:30 this morning, and then again at 4:39.
So I went ahead and got up. Lest you think getting up at 4:39 am is a bad idea, it's really great. Really.
I get to see D before he leaves.
I started the Sweet Potato Souffle so I'm not doing that at the last minute.
I might work out. Hey! I really might.
We are driving down to the inlaws later this morning so it will be nice not to rush. Everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I love the smell of dehydrated algae in the morning
Cons:
1. doesn't fully dissolve in water
2. has a faint banana flavor. I think this was intentional by the manufacturer but it seems a little out of place.
3. because it doesn't dissolve fully in water, sometimes little chunks get stuck in the straw. Well, at least it keeps things interesting.
4. it tastes exactly as you would expect dehydrated greens and algae dissolved in water to taste.
Pros:
1. has several of the superfoods
2. might help with my egg quality
3. might help reverse aging in general
4. Itisgoodformedammit!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
if there was a lazy blogger award, i would nominate myself
I feel like I have nothing interesting to report, so I haven't exactly felt like writing anything.
Currently, my life consists of:
1. work. It's good because it's keeping me really busy, but on the reverse side it's bad because it's keeping me really busy.
2. cleaning, cooking, etc. You know, wifely duties. I've written about the frustrations I have with these time consuming tasks before, so no need to rehash. I don't have anyone to help with the cleaning because I am, oh, what is the word, a freak? The thought of someone else coming in my house and cleaning kind of bothers me. And what if they let the cats out? Or don't clean in the exact fashion I would if I were home to actually do the cleaning, which I am not? As a result, I mostly bitch about the perceived squalor of the house (which I am assured by D that we do not live in squalor per se, but more of an indifference to mess) and then do nothing. I am told that it is a very attractive character trait.
3. thinking about our upcoming IVF which is approaching faster by the day. Literally.
Current obsessions include, but are not limited to:
a. Should I stop drinking caffeine now and switch to raspberry leaf tea full time?
b.What about acupuncture?
c. Dairy yes or no?
d.Wheat yea or nay?
e.Metformin?
f. Alcohol?
g.Exercise that is moderate in intensity (which always feels like a waste of time to me. If I'm going to run, I am going to run, not dodder around like I'm afraid of myself).
h. Organic meats and produce consistently?
i. Yoga?
j.Meditation?
k. No artificial sweeteners?
l. A trip to Tibet to have my hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian-axis blessed by the Dali Lama?
The 90 day egg development rule states that with the exception of (l) that yes, I should have stopped or started doing or taking the appropriate measures listed above but have I done any of them? Um, no. In some ways, I really wish I'd never read The Infertility Cure. It made me too hypervigilant about things I could only fully control if I quit working and pursued getting pregnant full time. I'm not so sure that would be a good idea either.
4. The holidays are coming up. I am not feeling sorry for myself that we don't have any children because I am too busy figuring out how to convince family that we need to stop exchanging gifts and donate to a worthy cause of the recipient's choosing in his or her name. Of course, we would still purchase gifts for the kids, but the adults? It seems kind of silly and overblown. We don't really need anything. It feels ridiculous to me to ask for things just for the sake of having something to open on Christmas. With the exception of D, I think I might be the only one who feels this way. We'll see how it goes.
How about you? How do you feel about the holidays and gift giving?
Currently, my life consists of:
1. work. It's good because it's keeping me really busy, but on the reverse side it's bad because it's keeping me really busy.
2. cleaning, cooking, etc. You know, wifely duties. I've written about the frustrations I have with these time consuming tasks before, so no need to rehash. I don't have anyone to help with the cleaning because I am, oh, what is the word, a freak? The thought of someone else coming in my house and cleaning kind of bothers me. And what if they let the cats out? Or don't clean in the exact fashion I would if I were home to actually do the cleaning, which I am not? As a result, I mostly bitch about the perceived squalor of the house (which I am assured by D that we do not live in squalor per se, but more of an indifference to mess) and then do nothing. I am told that it is a very attractive character trait.
3. thinking about our upcoming IVF which is approaching faster by the day. Literally.
Current obsessions include, but are not limited to:
a. Should I stop drinking caffeine now and switch to raspberry leaf tea full time?
b.What about acupuncture?
c. Dairy yes or no?
d.Wheat yea or nay?
e.Metformin?
f. Alcohol?
g.Exercise that is moderate in intensity (which always feels like a waste of time to me. If I'm going to run, I am going to run, not dodder around like I'm afraid of myself).
h. Organic meats and produce consistently?
i. Yoga?
j.Meditation?
k. No artificial sweeteners?
l. A trip to Tibet to have my hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian-axis blessed by the Dali Lama?
The 90 day egg development rule states that with the exception of (l) that yes, I should have stopped or started doing or taking the appropriate measures listed above but have I done any of them? Um, no. In some ways, I really wish I'd never read The Infertility Cure. It made me too hypervigilant about things I could only fully control if I quit working and pursued getting pregnant full time. I'm not so sure that would be a good idea either.
4. The holidays are coming up. I am not feeling sorry for myself that we don't have any children because I am too busy figuring out how to convince family that we need to stop exchanging gifts and donate to a worthy cause of the recipient's choosing in his or her name. Of course, we would still purchase gifts for the kids, but the adults? It seems kind of silly and overblown. We don't really need anything. It feels ridiculous to me to ask for things just for the sake of having something to open on Christmas. With the exception of D, I think I might be the only one who feels this way. We'll see how it goes.
How about you? How do you feel about the holidays and gift giving?
Thursday, November 1, 2007
I'm not nauseous because I'm pregnant
It would be because I ate a ludicrous amount of Halloween candy last night; directly after consuming a delicious cheeseburger and fries covered in salt and malt vinegar.
That candy. It's deceptive. Packed in those little bundles, calling out to me from the basket near the door. If I just eat one, it's not that bad. The trouble becomes when I've said that, oh, 5 or 6 or 13 times or whatever. Those little ones toddling up to the door had no idea I was pilfering their Halloween joy for my own delight.
I think I might ovulate soon, or maybe already did, but I'm pretty sure I burned my little egg good with all that sugar. And the fries. And the real Coke.
That candy. It's deceptive. Packed in those little bundles, calling out to me from the basket near the door. If I just eat one, it's not that bad. The trouble becomes when I've said that, oh, 5 or 6 or 13 times or whatever. Those little ones toddling up to the door had no idea I was pilfering their Halloween joy for my own delight.
I think I might ovulate soon, or maybe already did, but I'm pretty sure I burned my little egg good with all that sugar. And the fries. And the real Coke.
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