Friday, March 9, 2007

the results are in

The Dr. himself called me yesterday to explain the chromosome analysis - it was abnormal, very much so, and it was a girl.



I don't think I'm dealing with this in a "normal" way - whatever normal means, anyway. I was not attached to this baby, a self protective measure I'm sure. I spent so much time analyzing pregnancy symptoms and obsessing over every twinge I left no time to feel. I'm sure this was no accident. I don't WANT to miss something that was never going to be.

What I'm most upset about is my lost sense of optomism and innocence. If I ever get pregnant again, I do not think I will be able to enjoy it, to feel an instant kinship with my little life at the first hint of a second line. I will count every day as one day closer to when he or she arrives, missing the sweet details of each day of a pregnancy. I will count every kick, hiccup, and feel tense before every ultrasound instead of heady anticipation.

And when the big day finally arrives, I will not relax and know everything will be fine, because everything has not been fine, and I am the exception rather than the rule.

When will it end? Will I stay awake staring, making sure he or she is breathing rhythmically when they're a tiny baby? Will I let them play outside, even when I can't see them every minute, assuming the worst when I can't find them after 45 seconds of hysterical name calling?

I just want to relax, and let it happen, and enjoy the greatest gift we can get. But I can't.

To me, this is the biggest injustice of infertility.

8 comments:

Melissa said...

I agree. Infertility takes away so much more than just one's abililty to have a child.

Sticky Bun said...

Very well said...

My Reality said...

I agree, you said it very well.

Thinking of you and your baby girl. It is all so unfair.

Anns said...

This is so sad but a reality I think we all with deal with the time comes. We're robbed of so many wonderful experiences but hopefully one day we will all healthy, beautiful babies and with time our anxieties will subside.

Kate said...

Oh, tipsymarie, I know exactly how you feel. IF and m/c make for an awful combination (both of those on their own are just so horribly dreadful, but combine the two--and the dread grows exponentially...). I thought of the exact same thing after my m/c--innocence lost. The stakes have changed--getting pregnant is no longer what I want--I want to be pregnant, AND carry the baby to term, AND have a healthy baby. As time passed after my m/c, I did get a renewed sense of hope. But now that I am pregnant again, those fears came back to haunt me more than I could imagine. I have tried to change my perspective, but with limited success so far.

I don't think there is a "normal" way to deal with any of this. You are dealing in your own way. And I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

Sarah said...

i feel the same way, and i wish i knew the answer to your questions. they say infertility always stays with us, but in time i guess it just becomes more normal.

Baby Blues said...

I hear you with the injustices of infertility. I also want to relax and let it happen, but I guess it's not going to be that simple.

Sorry to hear about the chromosome analysis.

peep: formerly known as jacked up said...

I know someone who suffered a terrible loss late in her pregnancy and now that she is pregnant again she just wants to get through it and won't let herself enjoy any of it. It is the way we protect ourselves from so much pain and disappointment. I am so sorry for you. If fertility was fair we would all have babies because we will make the best moms in the world!