well now that I've started I can't stop

So why didn't I update for almost an entire year? Well. Hmm.
I just felt weird writing about my pregnancy. Which was wholly uneventful and perfectly normal; despite my constant certainty things would not work out.
Once I felt him move - which happened very early - around 15 weeks - I counted movements every single day. Even when at first they didn't happen every day. And the first movements weren't these magical butterfly type movements. They were little taps, kind of like water dripping or something. So I wasn't sure for awhile it was him.
Then I rented a doppler so I could obsessively check for his heartbeat. Sometimes several times a day. I left work during planning more than once to drive home and check it if I felt like he hadn't moved enough that morning. And that happened a lot. He was an infrequent mover. He had days of crazy movement and days where I hardly felt anything all.day.long. Those were very long days.
I spent so much time worrying and fretting that I failed to notice my due date approaching with lightening speed. Maybe I was in a state of denial. As much as I wanted a baby I knew I had NO IDEA what to do with one and that scared me. So not much got done in preparation. Things stayed in boxes and wrapped in gift bags.
At the first of November I was large. But I carried him all in the front so I looked rather comical. One day at work, three women stopped me and asked when are you having that baby?? He is down around your knees!! And my mother, who just two days prior, aptly described me as a "pregnant bowling pin".
I was undeterred - my due date wasn't for three more weeks! I had plenty of time to unpack the quadrillion baby items - most of which I had no idea what they were for - wash and organize his clothes, clean the house and prepare everything for my long term sub. Oh, and pack a hospital bag.
Even though the midwife had checked me for dilation at 36 weeks because I was having this annoying cramping and pressure - it was really annoying - and pronounced me 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced - I still wasn't convinced he would be here before the due date. Even though she said as I was leaving "I'll probably see you before next week!"

Back to the day at work when I was minding my own business. I really had to pee and it was almost time for classes to begin after planning. So I sat down to pee.
And my water broke. Right there at work in the bathroom. How unceremoniously . . . normal.
Of course I freaked. Called my doctor who said get to the hospital NOW.
After quite the ride on the highway - the contractions started 2 min apart - none of this 8 min then 5 then 2 - no, I was in Labor. Transition nonetheless. I was 4 cm and completely effaced when I arrived. I'd been in active labor for a few days and just didn't know.

After a very easy labor and an even easier delivery, he was born about 7 hours later. Perfect and healthy. I remember bits and pieces but my most vivid memory is directly after his birth he was placed on my chest and I just kept repeating "Hi! I am so excited to finally meet you!" He seemed rather nonplussed by all the festivities. He just wanted to nurse immediately and be left alone. In retrospect, I would've fought harder for that time.
Maybe next go around?

oh, apron strings! she spilled the beans.

Yes, he is here. He is healthy and has a very hearty appetite - just like Daddy.
He is fond of:
1. eating
2. crying
3. crying some more
4. the ceiling fan
5. anything outside
6. sleeping on his tummy - I KNOW. Don't tell anyone. He has to, actually. He has an abnormality in his larynx that makes it almost impossible for him to sleep on his back. Which he will eventually outgrow. We have a fancy pants monitor that checks for movement every 15 sec. So I don't have to check to see if he is breathing all the time.
7. the light up butterfly on his play gym
8. smiling and cooing at 3 AM when I want him to pleeeeeasegobacktosleep.
9. grunting
10. riding in the car
11. spitting up
12. hiccuping

This whole baby thing has thrown me for such a loop. I was under the impression they bascially ate and slept and stayed awake a little here and there.
What? did I just hear laughter? Maybe that was my own. Anyway.

Sometimes (well, a lot) he cries and I don't know why although I am thinking it is from being overtired. Turns out he just doesn't fall asleep when he needs to! Revelation.
My anxiety has been ramped up to Level Fifteen. This is out of Ten Levels. I worry about everything. Is he eating enough? Too much? Does he have reflux? Actually, yes! Let's medicate! Oh wait, is it safe to give that to a tiny infant?
And on and on. Gah. I am tired of course, perhaps more from the constant and incessant worrying than the sleep deprivation.

coming to an amusement park near you - the IVF rollercoaster.* UPDATED

What a last few days. I wanted to wait to update until I had a clearer picture of what's going on in there.
Monday (9dt3dt) I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go to the drugstore to pick up my M.etformin and had to go inside to get some lip balm. If I could've gone through the drive thru I think I would've been ok. Of course, I chose to walk down the aisle where things like tampons, pads and - oh yes! those things - are kept. In a haste, I bought a box of generic tests. I thought I could sneak a test once home without D knowing (he is anti testing early) but whaddaya know, he is HOME. At like 5:00. I can count on one hand the times he's been home that early. He saw them in the bag and gave me this disapproving look. Undeterred, I tested.

It was positive almost immediately, and very visible but still light. In the afternoon. 3 days before my beta.



I didn't take one Tuesday.



Wednesday morning, it was darker, but it was in the morning.



Thursday morning, it was maybe slightly darker than Wednesday, but not by much.



My beta on Thursday (12dp3dt) was 257.

My progesterone was "well over 40, and we don't take a measurement over 40", as the doctor said when he called - I mean, WTF? I need to know that number - and my estrodiol was +2,000 which is like insane freakishly high. So, I am down to one estrace tablet a day instead of two and stay on 1cc of PIO a day.

Today, I went in for my repeat beta. It needed to be 514 to double within 48 hours. OF COURSE, in true tipsymarie fashion, it was 492. Just shy of doubling. OF COURSE I was feeling confident and ok with that first number only to get this news today. I know rationally it could still be ok, but I would just like some peace of mind if not for a little while. I go back next week for another beta.

One thing I've already considered is that both implanted and one did not make it, hence the high first beta and would also explain the almost but not quite double for the second beta.

Please, please let this be ok.

*Speaking of an IVF roller coaster, how about the trains shaped like giant sperm? And a cave along part of the tracks shaped like a uterus? Classy, no?

Updated to add:

Sorry to get all whiny titty baby on you all. I realize we are very lucky to have even gotten this far. After flinging myself about in a fit of ridiculous self pity and incessant worry all day long I came to the conclusion that it is very, very early and this is to be expected. Please.let.it.be.ok.

5dp3dt

I feel like a real IVFer with my title.

Only obsessing going on around here these days. I was doing pretty well not obsessing until I went in for a p4/e2 check this morning. My progesterone came back at 32, and they want it above 15. Of course, even though it is fine by my clinic's standards, I am not happy with this number. I found a study talking about p4 on day 14 in IVF cycles and its correlation to a successful pregnancy. It was in the hundreds, like between 350-500 or some other such crazy number. That's in 7 days.
I have read everything google has to offer, and it is mostly conflicting information or information not specific to my current situation. Did you know there are no less than 5 ways progesterone is supplemented in an IVF cycle? Or that some clinics differ on their dosage of progesterone? Yes. It is riveting reading; so much so I spent two hours at work today reading about it. The only thing I have to show for it is a crick in my back from bending over the computer and a headful of relatively useless knowledge about progesterone delivery systems in subfertile women during superovulation induction.
It was like a slipped back to almost 3 years ago - the infertile googling queen. I can quote useless information like nobody's business.
But I digress . . .on to the more entertaining parts of this post:

Symptoms (?) are really nothing that can't be attributed to the PIO, so I'm not getting too excited about them. Although I do have one that is proving to be a joy. My massive bloated abdomen that preceded me entering a room is back. It was certainly an issue the couple of days following the retrieval - it was very uncomfortable and even a little painful - but luckily it started to resolve itself by transfer day. Well, now it's back. I wore a loose fitting dress to work today because I can't get my pants comfortably fastened and I looked about 4 months along. Maybe 5 after lunch. Even my nurse this morning was taken aback - you know you've reached a new level of freakdom when you can surprise a veteran IVF nurse with your bloat.

Monday.

I got the call today that there were none left to freeze which wasn't a surprise. When 9 out of 14 arrest before day 3, it doesn't look too good for freezing.
I am hoping the two that were transferred are strong and hanging on as we speak. Healthy babies have resulted from embryos just like them, so it could certainly still happen for us. It was simply a shock to hear so many didn't make it by Saturday.

Anyway, on to more pressing details.
Today I have twingy ovaries and an achy feeling in my pelvis from time to time. I really noticed it this afternoon during acupuncture and this morning carrying groceries in the house (the twingy ovaries, not so much the achy feeling). I felt kind of conflicted about carrying something slightly heavy but I had to get them in the house. I think leaving chicken in the car on a 70 degree day (that's right, 70 degrees. Jealous? Don't be. It will probably be snowing next week. That's March in the South for you.) is not advisable.
I go back to work tomorrow and while I'm glad I took today off, I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things and put this out of my mind as much as I can until next week. I am excited and scared all at the same time, and despite my best efforts, I am already attached to those little globby bobbly ones.
Remind me at about this time next week I said I would not test early. Because I don't want to be held at the mercy of a pee stick. Right. Remind me.

transfer

Well.
Here are the stats:

26 eggs retrieved on Wednesday.
18 mature.
14 fertilized.
9 arrested before day 3.
2 grade II embryos showing some fragmentation transferred today.
3 are being watched; but I don't hold out much hope. They didn't look too good.

So now we wait.

following dr.'s orders is *usually* advised

I decided that the egg retrieval went so well that following the rest of the instructions for the after parts was unwarranted. "Drink plenty of fluids" and "don't consume many carbs and stick to high protein" did not sound at all like the self rewarding fest I felt was due once home and in the days prior to the transfer. Granted, I was bloated all to hell from the stims and have PCOS so really, that puts me in the 5% category for developing OHS.S but what does that ol' doctor know that I don't? Please. I read the internets*. My body can take some delicious carbs and dairy. Me hungry!
I instructed D to go to the store and purchase avocados, tortilla chips, doritos and american cheese once we were home from the retrieval. You know, mostly healthy stuff.
Turns out the avocados he purchased were not right - either under or overripe - I mean, gawd, I just had surgery, can't he choose a decent avocado??
So instead, I consumed one and a half cheese sandwiches with mayonnaise and mustard and roughly half a bag of doritos. That was lunch.
Dinner was Wendy's.
I know you want to get judgy right now, and if you must, go ahead. Because I would too if I were reading this.
The next morning, I got up and felt all bloaty and abdominally crampy - kind of like being constipated. I thought it was weird but I went to work anyway. I didn't want to sit around the house all day and go stir crazy.
My diet was not much better this day either.
Then came Friday, and oh my. I was soooooo uncomfortable I started to freak out that I had OHS.S. At work I was so snappy that I just stopped talking unless I absolutely had to. I was forced, out of pain and discomfort, to follow the doctor's orders.
Turns out I feel better this morning because I watched what I ate yesterday and drank plenty of water. Yeah. It works.

I've already forgotten to take medication twice. I am so type b about this cycle I can't even tell you. Like too much and not in a good way. Like as in doing it to avoid thinking about what's really happening. I forgot my first dose of estrace the other day; and forgot my antibiotic last night. That's why I am awake at 5 am on a Saturday morning. Because I woke up and remembered I forgot it and that I'd better damn take it because it says so on my lis*t of instructions, which I've also misplaced more than once.

I will leave you with some embarrassing things I said once coming out of anesthesia from the egg retrieval:
1. To the nurses: "You guys are the best. This whole experience was great. I love you." Can I get a prescription for versed?"
2. To D: "This is the best cranberry/grape juice EVER. We need to get some." (this is not that bad, except it's an open room with curtains separating the bed and I don't like strangers to overhear me sounding moronic. right, because that's what's important at the moment.)

*it turns out that reading the medical journals online is in fact not the same as earning a medical degree and doing a residency in obstetrics and gynecology; eventually many years later, specializing in reproductive endocrinology. no. it's really not the same.

versed rocks.

Just got done with retrieval and I'm at home.
Apparently, my clinic likes to ICSI some but not all the eggs . . . we went ahead with it because at this point, why not? I'm not sure that we even need it, D's results have always been great and we've been pregnant twice before so . . . yeah. I don't know.
I will post when I know more tomorrow!

smallish sigh of relief - stim day 6

This is hard to type.
Everything looked normal today - from the u/s to the bloodwork. Of course, it is still early in the stim phase so a lot can still happen.
Go back Saturday.
Eeekk!!

thursday is a long time from now!

I started stims last night and I am freaking out that it won't be enough. I don't go in for monitoring until THURSDAY. Does that seem like a long time to go for my first monitoring appointment? Why can I not relax? If there was one thing I could change about me (other than the inability to conceive and then subsequently bear healthy children - duh) would be my incessant need to go from "Hey, look at those pretty flowers and beautiful butterflies on this amazing sunny day" to "Oh my G-d, is that a giant black cloud with a giant swirling vortex coming to kill me and everything I care about in one fell swoop" in 10 seconds? I wish there was a middle ground for my emotional state that comprises a healthy response to stress. I think if this were pioneer times or antebellum times or some other time a long time ago, I would not have made it past the age of ten. I would've been one of those women constantly fainting or crying hysterically at something mundane like the washboard or the cast iron stove or something.

In other news of things that are kind of freaking me out, but there is nothing I Can Do About It Because It Is Just the Way Things Are -
At work, I got the assignment I wanted for next year, which is completely shocking to me. Mainly because I am in disagreement with some of our policies and I have voiced that - usually when you do this, it does not bode well for your future in that job, right? In fact, in a meeting in which I voiced these disagreements in a way that seemed valid, it actually was not and my head ended up several feet from my body when my supervisor took out a machete and hacked it as she called my comments "Completely wrong and unfounded." Yes. It was totally awkward, but I am sure it was only so for me. By the end of the day, fences had been mended because my supervisior was kind of cool about the whole thing so I was fine, but others who were there still talk about it and embarrass me, making me think all was not fine and I had only succeeded in making a giant ass of myself.
Anyway, imagine my shock when she took someone who has been in the assignment I wanted for many years and removed her from it and appointed me to it, which I did not know was the plan. Without going into all the logistics, which I assure you are quite boring, I said I wanted it in part so I could work with this person because we work so well together, and I love the subject matter. I never imagined I would actually get what I wanted at someone else's expense. This person is a dear friend of mine and came in my room very upset after she got the news. And when I asked her what flaming backstabbing bitch took her job, she looked at me and said "You." To be accurate, she said it with a laugh.
Silence, gaping mouth. I really did not know what to say. So I stammered on about how it was unfair and such. It was a completely lame attempt to make her feel better and I am sure it failed miserably.
I don't think she is angry with me because she knows I wouldn't do that to her or to anyone else; usually when I don't like someone it's pretty obvious and there is not any need to employ subversive screwing over techniques because I will just tell you to fuck off to your face and there is no reason to assume I would expend additional energy to make your life any more miserable. No, not something I would do.
So, I don't know.
I want Thursday to get here and to be good news, and I want my friend at work to be happy on Monday and not pissed off at me and not thinking I somehow stabbed her in the back even though I know she knows I would never do that.
I am hoping this week is a good one . . . here is to optomism! ha ha. I will try, at least.

yummy recipe I just made up

I am sure someone has made this before. But I want to continue feeling my genius for right now because this was really good and satisfied my ravenous red meat craving i've been having since starting the lupron.

Vegetarian Spaghetti

1 can Great Northern Beans, drained and rinsed
1 can no sodium diced tomatoes undrained (the no sodium thing isn't important. it's just what was in the pantry when I was hungry today.)
2 cloves garlic finely minced
1/4 medium onion finely minced
dried oregano, thyme and basil
olive oil
thin spaghetti
grated parmesan/romano/pecerino (seriously, I cannot spell) cheese

Cook the garlic and onion in the olive oil until soft. Add the beans and tomatoes. Then add 1/4 palm full each: oregano, thyme, basil. Fresh basil would be even better but i didn't have any. You know, fennel seeds would be good as well but only a very little bit.
Cook the spaghetti until soft. Make sure you salt the water liberally.
Top with a generous amount of grated cheese.

favorite quote from this week

"You know, you don't really know what love is until you have kids. It's changed my life so much and I can't imagine going through life without them. I mean, I know people do, but man. How empty."
- from a male coworker who knows I've started IVF; as we watched his kids playing. I should add I am not angry or upset at this completely insensitive and rather banal comment because this person might be the biggest idiot I've met in a long time. I don't think he can't help anything that comes out of his mouth even if he wanted to. He also added "just wait, you'll end up with twins." Ah, yes. Of course. And remember, they're implanted, not transferred.

I've started suppression for my Very First IVF. The best part is that I never really stopped bleeding from my last period - my body *hearts* to spot brown on the BCPs, and the Lupron! Oh! Even more so. It's been great being all Leaky McLeaky for the last couple of weeks. I took my last BCP three days ago and started what I believe to be a period today. It seems kind of soon, but who can judge. It looks as though I will start the big drugs this week.

In an attempt to get my anxiety under control, I began taking Z.oloft. I was told I would be sleepy for a few days, but that would wear off, and then my moods would stabilize and I would "see a drastic decrease in racing thoughts, shortness of breath, irritability, and just in general, you will stop acting all crazy and shit." The prospect of not being crazy anymore relieved me greatly, and my husband even more so. I couldn't wait to walk around in a medicated haze, stopping to smell the flowers and smiling plastically at work. Is this everyone's secret who seems so damned happy at work? Unfortunately, it was not meant to be for me. The first day I took it, I was awake until 3 am, wandering my home like a vagrant - chewing on my nails, talking to myself, swatting at invisible Crazy Bugs. It was horrible. So I stopped. I haven't pursued any additional anti anxiety/anti depressants yet, but has anyone else had this reaction from Z.oloft? I will talk to my dr. about this next week when I go in for a suppression check and see what she has to say about my reaction and what I could try instead. I've toyed with the idea of seeing a therapist. I just don't feel like I have that much to say. Maybe I have more to say than I think.
It feels good to write another blog entry again, and I am still the shitty commenter I've always been. I have 39 feeds on my bloglines so I have to excuse as I've been reading everyone's updates about once a week. As always, I vow to get better about this.
I hope I still have some readers out there - there's nothing like a blog about infertility that takes a year to actually get going with some real treatments. What can I say? I love to procrastinate. So do my ovaries.
P.S. I tried to spell check but it's not cooperating. If you see any egregious spelling errors, please disregard. Or print it out and mark the shit out of it in red ink. Whatever makes you feel at peace.

ETA: About the z.oloft . . . it was prescribed by the therapist at my RE's office. After we had our counseling appointment, she stressed that I need to be under the care of a psychatrist while I take medication. She was very responsible about it and did not call in any refills and said she wouldn't until she knew who I was seeing regularly. I really, really don't like to go. I've seen two - once as a teenager and once as a child, and to be honest I found them to be rather annoying - patronizing even. So I hesitate to go. It's also difficult to find one convenient to me, who specializes in infertility/anxiety disorders, takes appointments late in the day and who is under my insurance plan. I am thinking about asking her for a referral to someone in my area because she practices about 45 minutes away - and that's with no traffic in the afternoons. I did like her, so it is a shame.

goodbye, dear readers

I've decided to stop writing this blog, at least for a little while.
I didn't want to just stop updating entirely. I can't stand it when people do that; just stop with no explanation.

I have nothing really new or interesting to say. Yes, I can't have a baby. Yes, that sucks. How many times/different ways/situations can I say it? It's damaged our marriage (but honestly, things were much, much worse a year ago), my self esteem, and even my outlook on life will never be the same. I just don't care to dwell upon this anymore. 2 1/2 years is long enough to let this run my life.
My mother is in remission from a cancer that could return and most likely will, given it's course. My sister has other health issues that make it impossible for her to have another child, which she was hoping to do in the new year. It puts the infertility my husband and I have experienced in perspective and almost makes me feel ashamed for all of this self centered whinging I do from time to time.
I have so many things in my life that make me happy. I think the best thing for me to do is think about those as much as possible. Which I've been doing more of lately. I still have bad days (Christmas Eve was one of these days), but you know what? Feeling sorry for myself still hasn't resulted in a baby yet. I don't think it ever will, so it's time for me to move on from this self imposed pity party as much as I can.
We aren't cycling now, and when we start, I will have more to say. So, please don't drop me from your bloglines or stop checking in. More interesting and witty repertoire will come eventually. The dildocam has missed me, or so I've heard.
I finally got good and angry at the infertility monster. I am kicking her out (or more likely, locking her in a dark closet at the back of my psyche) for good. And I am going to win this fight.

hot mess

That's what I've been lately.
I haven't shaved my head and flashed my junk at the paparazzi (seriously, why? why? would this seem like a good idea for any reason?), but for a working girl who can't have no babies living in the 'burbs, I've done things that could be equivalents.
Such as:
- losing it (not the crying kind, the getting frustrated kind) in a meeting at work over nothing - really.
- subsequently getting chewed out in front of everyone at said meeting
- I don't think it was as bad as I thought, several people slapped me on the back and said "You've got a set!" Or maybe for this reason it was as bad as I thought? Who knows and who cares. Oh, me.
- considered walking out while humming "Take This Job and Shove It"; but realized I love too many things about my job to leave. Oh, and I need the money.
- trying to explain to D why I don't want to have sex with him anymore and actually using the phrase "It's not you, it's me." I used to have quite the desire for sexy time, so this is a tough one to explain.
- talking to myself in the car and gesticulating wildly, enough to draw the attention of several people stopped along with me at the red light. On more than one day.
- moving from the depths of despair and then to giddy happiness. All.day.long.
This IVF has got to start soon. Of course, in the true fashion of all things I still have one more test that must be repeated - a sonohystogram (spelling anyone? I don't know about this. Something doesn't look right, but you know what I mean). Which as many of you know, can only be done on certain days of a cycle, and they only had one appointment available in the middle of the day this time. I couldn't get away from work for several reasons. I know you're thinking "Priorities!" but I don't want to compromise work for this even more than I'm going to in a few weeks. So it's out and we wait one more cycle. And mine are unpredictable. Dammit.

how organized are you?

After realizing that I've never, ever kept track of the many doctor's appointments, blood draws, results, cycle monitoring, test dates and their results, questions for the doctor, etc., I came to the conclusion that it might be wise to start. You know, for FUTURE REFERENCE WHEN I MEET WITH MY NEW RE SO I WON'T LOOK LIKE A TOTAL DUMBASS AT OUR VERY IMPORTANT IVF CONSULT APPOINTMENT; BECAUSE HE MIGHT MAKE US A BABY AND THAT IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
I am so not a type A. And this whole process is very type A. It doesn't suit me in the least. Like planning our wedding. I just didn't care about any of the details. I literally spent about 10 minutes choosing the food selections. It all tasted good and it was a very reputable catering company, so I figured just go with it. I let the venue where our reception was held choose the linens, glassware, and centerpieces. They kept asking "Now Tipsymarie, are you sure it's ok for us to make such important decisions regarding your WEDDING DAY?" I was expecting one of them to explode, but it never happened. Oh man. So high strung and so serious.about.weddings. I tried on a total of 8 dresses over a couple of trips to various small stores and decided on one almost immediately. I ordered my veil and bridesmaid dresses sight unseen from the interweb, and I am not kidding when I tell you I ordered my invitations from Party City. I know, some of you just recoiled in horror. It's ok because those damn things just went in the trash as soon as they were opened. I'm pretty sure the only person who will frame it is me. It currently sits in our living room. The only thing I really tried to plan was the music selection, because I didn't want to hear any annoying Top 40 shit. I wanted people to dance and have fun, so I did make sure we had a plan in place for an open bar that had everyone's favorites.

It was only natural and expected I take a laissez faire approach to things others find to need more planning. I bought my prom dress the night before and decided on an engagement ring design I liked in one afternoon. In perhaps the most the most shocking display of Type B ineptitude, I lost the secret notebook girls keep between each other. The one we spent hours decorating with stickers and puff paint and glitter. Oh, I had several friends stop speaking to me because of that loss. BFF, not so much.

When I was in school, I was not the girl with the pink and green kittened out Trapper Keeper divided neatly among the five subjects. Notes and school work were always stuffed into a desk or locker or under the bed or in the car. My teachers were always beyond frustrated with my lack of organization, or more likely, my lack of motivation to become organized.

On Friday, I spent some time making some really pretty, graphically pleasing calendars in Publisher for our Big Giant IVF Binder. If it wouldn't be so weird, I would send a copy to my new RE so he knows I am taking this more seriously that I have anything else in my life. Nothing says serious like a Big Giant Binder Stuffed with Calendars and Test Results.
I can't wait to make the labels and dividers.

it's 5:40 and i've already been up for an hour

D runs in our city's half marathon every Thanksgiving (well the last one anyway), and I was supposed to run with him this year. Since I didn't really stick with the running program I started three months ago; I decided running 13.1 miles at 7 am on Thanksgiving was probably not the best idea.
It does not mean, however, that I didn't hear the alarm blare loudly first at 4:30 this morning, and then again at 4:39.
So I went ahead and got up. Lest you think getting up at 4:39 am is a bad idea, it's really great. Really.
I get to see D before he leaves.
I started the Sweet Potato Souffle so I'm not doing that at the last minute.
I might work out. Hey! I really might.

We are driving down to the inlaws later this morning so it will be nice not to rush. Everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I love the smell of dehydrated algae in the morning

Cons:

1. doesn't fully dissolve in water

2. has a faint banana flavor. I think this was intentional by the manufacturer but it seems a little out of place.

3. because it doesn't dissolve fully in water, sometimes little chunks get stuck in the straw. Well, at least it keeps things interesting.

4. it tastes exactly as you would expect dehydrated greens and algae dissolved in water to taste.

Pros:

1. has several of the superfoods

2. might help with my egg quality

3. might help reverse aging in general

4. Itisgoodformedammit!

if there was a lazy blogger award, i would nominate myself

I feel like I have nothing interesting to report, so I haven't exactly felt like writing anything.

Currently, my life consists of:
1. work. It's good because it's keeping me really busy, but on the reverse side it's bad because it's keeping me really busy.
2. cleaning, cooking, etc. You know, wifely duties. I've written about the frustrations I have with these time consuming tasks before, so no need to rehash. I don't have anyone to help with the cleaning because I am, oh, what is the word, a freak? The thought of someone else coming in my house and cleaning kind of bothers me. And what if they let the cats out? Or don't clean in the exact fashion I would if I were home to actually do the cleaning, which I am not? As a result, I mostly bitch about the perceived squalor of the house (which I am assured by D that we do not live in squalor per se, but more of an indifference to mess) and then do nothing. I am told that it is a very attractive character trait.
3. thinking about our upcoming IVF which is approaching faster by the day. Literally.
Current obsessions include, but are not limited to:
a. Should I stop drinking caffeine now and switch to raspberry leaf tea full time?
b.What about acupuncture?
c. Dairy yes or no?
d.Wheat yea or nay?
e.Metformin?
f. Alcohol?
g.Exercise that is moderate in intensity (which always feels like a waste of time to me. If I'm going to run, I am going to run, not dodder around like I'm afraid of myself).
h. Organic meats and produce consistently?
i. Yoga?
j.Meditation?
k. No artificial sweeteners?
l. A trip to Tibet to have my hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian-axis blessed by the Dali Lama?

The 90 day egg development rule states that with the exception of (l) that yes, I should have stopped or started doing or taking the appropriate measures listed above but have I done any of them? Um, no. In some ways, I really wish I'd never read The Infertility Cure. It made me too hypervigilant about things I could only fully control if I quit working and pursued getting pregnant full time. I'm not so sure that would be a good idea either.

4. The holidays are coming up. I am not feeling sorry for myself that we don't have any children because I am too busy figuring out how to convince family that we need to stop exchanging gifts and donate to a worthy cause of the recipient's choosing in his or her name. Of course, we would still purchase gifts for the kids, but the adults? It seems kind of silly and overblown. We don't really need anything. It feels ridiculous to me to ask for things just for the sake of having something to open on Christmas. With the exception of D, I think I might be the only one who feels this way. We'll see how it goes.

How about you? How do you feel about the holidays and gift giving?

I'm not nauseous because I'm pregnant

It would be because I ate a ludicrous amount of Halloween candy last night; directly after consuming a delicious cheeseburger and fries covered in salt and malt vinegar.

That candy. It's deceptive. Packed in those little bundles, calling out to me from the basket near the door. If I just eat one, it's not that bad. The trouble becomes when I've said that, oh, 5 or 6 or 13 times or whatever. Those little ones toddling up to the door had no idea I was pilfering their Halloween joy for my own delight.

I think I might ovulate soon, or maybe already did, but I'm pretty sure I burned my little egg good with all that sugar. And the fries. And the real Coke.

fun with uterine dye

I just got home from my HSG appointment.
Oh what fun.
The tech was really nice but not the sharpest tool in the shed. When she was explaining the procedure, she kept calling the speculum a "spectrum" and told me the radiologist was going to clean off my uterus with Betadine . . . I'm pretty sure she meant my cervix. Then, she shows me the camera they use and then said "Don't worry, we clean it off after every use" (as an aside, did I really need to hear that? Eeeww.) and then proceeded to swing it around and it hit the xray table. Lovely.
Then the radiologist comes in, and has such a thick accent I can't really understand him at first. He didn't want any towels under my pelvis. This turned out to be a very bad idea.
So, he threads the catheter in, and attempts to blow up the balloon and inject the dye . . . no luck. He went through about three catheters and an untold amount of dye. He kept saying "It's getting stuck on something." (??) Basically, the dye was running right out and not lighting up my fallopian tubes.
All of the poking and prodding and jerking on my cervix was pure joy as he tried maneuvers that I think he was making up as he went along.
Finally, he decides maybe the towels under my pelvis was a good idea. He put the balloon waaaayyy up at the top of my uterus and like magic, the fourth try was the charm. The cramping was very uncomfortable, but not too bad. And the best part? Everything is normal. Yay for that.